Satire | We are the revolutionary land optimisers, not the grabbers: Real Estate Fed assert

In the bustling world of Bangladeshi business, a group of savvy businessmen - the Real Estate Federation - has scratched their heads in utter amazement. "It's a conundrum," exclaims Hero Sooo-Hell, a prominent entrepreneur known for his ingenious land-expansion incidents.

"Ya Habibi! No one says nothing when the riverbeds reshape themselves, gulping land from us! But the moment we set our sights on some riverbed real estate, unexpectedly, we're branded as land-grabbers. It's preposterous!"

In a country where rivers weave an intricate tapestry across the landscape, these businessmen have honed their craft to exploit, ahem, harness the potential of nature's bounty.

"Why should we limit ourselves to the lands above water only?" questions Munna-Rascala, a non-Tamil-born Bangladeshi visionary in the field. "The riverbeds are like the secret vaults of untapped prosperity. We're just unlocking the potential; people should thank us for it!"

Another real estate tycoon, I'm-Running Sami, remarked, "Look at the Buriganga; it has been sunburned and has turned pure black, which is hazardous to our people. We must eliminate this river immediately to save humanity!"

The businessmen argue that their initiatives will contribute to economic growth, provide job opportunities, and stimulate local development.

"We're the unsung heroes of progress," boasts Time-your Ally, a charismatic businessman leading the charge. "We've mastered the art of expanding territories. It's like playing a real-life game of Monopoly, and we happen to be winning."

To outsiders, the term "land-grabber" might sound hostile. Still, these entrepreneurs prefer to think of themselves as visionary land optimisers.

"We're just redistributing land to where it can be better used," says Some-Error Tanzin, a businesswoman with a penchant for repurposing riverbeds into exclusive waterfront properties. "The rivers were in the wrong places, and we're correcting that. It's a public service."

Despite their noble intentions, public perception of business people remains doubtful. Critics argue that they are more interested in personal gain than communal prosperity!

"Sure, they might be creating jobs, but at what cost?" questions activists Saif Anjum and Sanjumoni, who tirelessly advocate for environmental conservation. "We must preserve our natural resources, not turn them into real estate projects. It's a matter of sustainable development goal number -- none of them seem to remember the SDG reference number -- versus short-term profits. We must boycott these land dacoits."

The business people have launched a public relations campaign to counter the negative image.

Giant billboards by the riverbeds adorned with smiling faces and catchy slogans proclaim the virtues of their riverbed ventures. "Rivers are for everyone, and so are the benefits," declares one ad, conveniently omitting the indecent environmental concerns raised by rural scientists and village ecologists.

The debate rages on, but the business people remain undeterred.

"People are lazy and resistant to change," observes Share-If Minaz, a businessman with a flair for philosophical musings. "But history has shown that progress always comes with resistance. We're pioneers in a brave new world of aquatic urban development."

As Bangladeshi businesspeople continue to reshape riverbeds, their efforts are met with great admiration and greater opposition. "In a land of 'no opposition, ' we wonder where these partisans come from," said I’m Nahid Geoffrey, a legend in the real estate business.

Whether they are visionaries leading the charge for progress or opportunists exploiting, ahem again, optimising nature for personal gain, one thing is sure – the rivers of Bangladesh will continue to be a battleground where economic aspirations clash with environmental concerns.

Only time will tell if the tide turns in favour of sustainable development or if the land-grabbers, aka land-optimisers (self-proclaimed), emerge victorious in their quest for riverbed dominance.