A sarcastic how-to guide on writing a terrible resume

I've heard a lot of feedback from candidates that the hiring process takes too long, and I agree!

Here are some quick tips on how to write a terrible resume and get rejected or ghosted as soon as possible:

1. Apply at random. Take one generic resume and apply to any job posted online as quickly as possible. The less relevant and tailored your resume is, the quicker a recruiter can screen you out.
2. Only have one resume, and use it for every posting. Applying for mostly Software Engineer jobs? Feel free to go ahead and use that resume for IT support jobs. And Business Analyst Roles. They have the same skill set anyway, right? The IT team will be super interested in the front-end design work you did and not at all interested in your eight months of customer service experience, which you took off to add to another coding personal project.
3. Don't ever read the job description. Job descriptions are written by recruiters (icky), and because you are applying to as many roles as possible, you won't have time to read and figure out whether you are fit for the role.
4. IF you read the job description (terrible move, btw, see point 2), do not ever look for the KEYWORDS, and add them as bullet point starters to your resume. That would make it way too easy for recruiters (icky) to see your relevant experience.
5. Write huge paragraphs containing vague descriptions of your past work. It's important to keep recruiters guessing regarding the results and achievements of your previous roles.
6. Include a lot of subjective descriptions and stale buzzwords. The great thing about buzzwords is that recruiters hear them over and over and over. The less creativity, the better, especially for a go-getting outside-of-the-box thinker like yourself.
7. Address it to the wrong company, and have many spelling and grammar errors in it. You want to ensure your potential hiring manager knows that you are not detail-oriented and too technologically inept to download Grammarly.
8. Reach out to recruiters randomly and ask them to find you a job that fits your resume. This is a lot of extra work for them, with almost no benefit, so they likely won't even respond to you. Add this to your ghosted tally on your spreadsheet!
9. Don't follow instructions. I see many job postings on LinkedIn with instructions to send resumes to a given email address with a specific email subject. However, it seems everyone just posts in the comments section, "I'm interested; please see my profile." This is a great technique and will ensure your application never even reaches the recruiter
10. Only take one person's resume/interviewing advice. The less connected they are to the hiring process, the better. Following multiple active recruiters from different backgrounds and companies? Bad move (they're icky). Is someone on LinkedIn selling you a course? Pretty good. Your weird uncle who got a job in 1970 by giving a great handshake? Perfection.
11. Apply without meeting any of the qualifications in the Job Description. This is key.
12. Submit an unreadable resume. Recruiters already have a headache, so the more eye-straining, compact, neon-coloured and wall of text your resume is, the quicker they will click away.
13. Spend money to find the "perfect" resume template. The millions of free online ones are fine, but we want to maximize your suffering.
14. Be boring. Recruiters talk to hundreds of people and look at thousands or resumes monthly. The more you think and act like everyone else, the more forgettable you will be to them.

I hope this guide helps, and good luck!