Santa's Stressful Day ...Relax It All Works Out In The End!

Ahh .... Christmas is always a stressful time.

Mothers and chefs around the world are running around like headless chickens working out ways of making sure the turkey does not become dry and the stuffing remains as moist as possible.

Supermarket trolleys are being filled to the extent that it would appear there will be no food available to buy for the next month. And I have enough alcohol to last a decade, but still think I need a couple more bottles of something which has the potency to give a horse a hangover to remember.

Retailers want us to go to the shops but it’s much easier to order online. This does nothing to ease the stress as we are now jumping up and down and making backup plans just in case deliveries don’t make it.

At the other end business owners are burning the midnight oil trying to get all their work out the door before Santa’s sleigh leaves the North Pole.

But if you think that your life is hectic or you are having a tough time, spare a thought for Santa. His situation is far worse. Let me explain.

You may think that he is a lucky man having to work only one day a year, but on the day he works all hell breaks loose. The reality is big Mr C is quite incredible, amazing and, well, epic.

Now being a numbers man I thought I would put some figures to show you how hard his life really is.

Let’s assume he only visits Christian homes, although I know he does more than that because he hasn’t missed my chimney in the last 12 years and last time I checked I had no photos of Jesus in my house. But I digress.

That’s an impressive 800,000,000 Christian Children he visits in one night. He has to travel an incredible 341,000,000 km, give or take a few hundred thousand kilometres in 32 hours (travelling east-to-west with the Sun gives him an extra, much needed, 8 hours) stopping at 266,666.666 households (assuming 3 children to a home).

That’s about 3,000 km per second, which is a little bit faster than my Aston Martin. He also has a strong bladder too, because I assume he has no time for any toilet breaks and I doubt he has time to check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, email or Tinder.

Now everyone knows that big Mr C is a bit round and big around the gut area. There is a logical reason for this. Every household in a misguided belief of being kind will leave him a mince pie and glass of alcohol. This means his calorie intake from the mince pies is, well, a bit big.

Assuming 150 calories a pie (per Coles) that’s about 40 billion calories. No wonder he can’t work for the next 364 days. He’s in the gym working it off.

But that’s not all. I am more concerned about his drinking and flying. His consumption of 266,666,667 units of alcohol makes me think that this might be a bit above Australia’s drinking and flying limit. Now if he can drink this much and still fly, then that is impressive, but I suspect his license to fly might be at risk should he get caught. Something also tells me he might have a bit of a hangover too. I wouldn’t mind knowing what remedy he uses on Boxing Day or who he uses for travel insurance.

There’s more. His bank manager can’t be too impressed because last year all the kids wanted a Lego Star Wars Millennium Falcon and this cost $250 each which means he will need to apply for a $200bn overdraft facility.

I know we think that Santa’s little helpers make all the toys, but I think Lego’s legal team might have a say and before you know it the IP lawyers will be suing Mr C’s pants off him. Or worse, his warp drive sleigh. No wonder he drinks.

The Millenium Falcon also weighs about 500g which means Santa’s sleigh has to be strong enough to handle 400,000 tons of presents which then requires about 4 million reindeer to pull it. And remember this is all happening at 3,000 km a second. Now that is what I call stressful.

I was trying to work out what the CO2 emissions would be of 4 million farting reindeer but my calculator does not have enough digits. Look I 'm no Einstein. I’m doing the best I can here.

And then finally it dawned on me the whole thing is utterly pointless. You see if Santa tried to re-enter the earth’s atmosphere with 4 million farting reindeer the heat and resulting nuclear explosion would be enough to blow the whole world to smithereens. The man is magic. Obviously.

So calm down. Take it easy. It will all work out for you in the end as it does for Santa!

If this article has brought a small smile to your face then I know I am on the right track. This is my last article and post for 2018 and I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year. If things don’t quite work out on the day, don’t worry have a laugh and enjoy it with the ones you love around you.