The Santa Interview

A one-on-one exchange with the ultimate Christmas subject matter expert.

Maybe it’s not the interview of the year, but I do think this was somewhat of a coup. Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with Santa Claus (d/b/a St. Nicholas, Father Christmas, Olde St. Nick) for a video interview. In a wide-ranging discussion, Santa shared his unique perspective on everything from supply-chain issues and AI to building a team to win, or fly.

Interview edited and condensed for clarity.

Santa, thanks so much for taking the time to be with us.

[INAUDIBLE]

Santa, you’re on mute.

Oh, sorry about that. Metal fabricating day here and it can get pretty noisy. Good to speak with you.

As the weather has turned cold here, I know that means your busy season kicks in. What’s the mood like this year? Can you offer any forward guidance on your year-end?

Well, it’s always cold where I am and busy is part of our culture.

As you know, Q4 is critical for us, and while I can’t share any numbers – we’re a closely held private enterprise – I will say we’ll hit all our goals, at least with the Nice list. The Naughty list is whole different story; more of a question of governance rather than fulfilling customer expectations. Our compliance and HR teams always have their hands full on that front.

You’ve had to overcome so many challenges through the years. How did the pandemic affect your operation? Have you recovered from supply-chain issues?

Supply chain has never been an issue for us, really. We source globally through our own proprietary network, so we’re pretty resilient. We have partnered with parents from time to time, but they’ve proven pretty unreliable. We’ve had too many Christmas mornings ruined by parents who failed to get the right batteries in the house. It’s not our fault of course, but it’s not a good look for my team.

Speaking of your team, many retailers have faced overstock issues of late. Has that been a challenge for your organization?

Inventory hasn’t been an issue for us for a while. We have a ton of data so we can model out pretty accurately. We learned our lesson back in the 1970s when we got caught with a large overstock of portable 8-track players. Demand was not quite what everyone projected. We’re still feeling the pain from that one.

While you don’t seem to have any direct competitors, are you concerned at all about Amazon as a long-term challenge?

An understandable question, but the short answer is no, not at all. Remember, around here, our institutional knowledge goes way back. We’ve faced so many past challenges that were supposed to render us obsolete.

I remember back in the 1880s when railroads were going to be the end of us. Then, the first cameras arrived, with a real fear I would be photographed at work – something I’ve been able to avoid for over 150 years. Even the phone was deemed a threat, especially if people got a hold of our direct number.

I like where we’re positioned, and I see us outlasting Amazon. For starters, as people are increasingly skittish about sharing personal data, our Naughty or Nice list is a real strategic advantage. Keep in mind, I see them when they’re sleeping, I know when they’re awake.

Good point. Pivoting for a second, analysts have been impressed with your ability to predict emerging trends. Yet, you persist with the “coal in the stocking” approach to the afore-mentioned Naughty demographic. Any pushback on that from an environmental standpoint?

I’m glad you asked. We know coal is a hot button issue. We take a regional approach to that. In our coal-rich GDZs (gift delivery zones), we continue the practice and it still has plenty of traction. But we’ve also introduced a new solution using bio-waste from our transport team, coated with an organic powder for color.

You mean reindeer droppings?

Bingo. Covered with organic crushed dry kelp for color. We’re really excited about it as a powerful incentive for our customers to get off the Naughty list – one of our KPIs.

Interesting. Staying on the innovation front, what impact do you think AI will have on your operation?

I’m actually a big fan of AI. Remember, we’ve been crunching massive amounts of data for generations. On the production side, we’re exploring ways to streamline things and our core production team (formerly known as elves) thinks it has a role.

On the consumer end, some of my team were worried about kids taking AI shortcuts in their Letters to Santa. But I can tell an inauthentic voice when I hear one. That's worse than the whole pouting thing.

You play your finances pretty close to the vest, but clearly an operation of your scale has serious capital requirements. What’s your take on cryptocurrency?

While I can’t speak about our capital structure in detail, I will say we are debt-free. As for crypto, as much as I’m a free-market guy (I have an original, signed copy of Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations), I’m skeptical of a store of value that’s illiquid and so poorly understood. And another thing: since Burl Ives recorded “Silver and Gold” in 1964 it’s had real staying power, even beyond the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer soundtrack. I can’t foresee a catchy Christmas tune entitled “Bitcoin and Ethereum.” I don’t think even Irving Berlin could solve the rhyme challenge for those lyrics.

Santa, I know the clock is ticking on your big day. One final question. You’re such an interesting, unique guest. Have you ever considered hosting your own podcast?

I appreciate the kind words, but I don’t see a podcast as a fit. Sure, if I was to divulge all that I know, that would be something – the ultimate tell-all book. I do live in a fairly content-rich environment. But we also have a host of confidentiality policies. Think HIPAA on steroids. Besides, I don’t really need the exposure. We have pretty high brand awareness. And what would I talk about? There are only so many ways you can say, “You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry…”

Good point. Thanks Santa, and safe travels.

Same to you. My compliments on last year’s plate; homemade chocolate chip cookies were a nice touch.

Least I can do.

Tom White is a business communications consultant, content writer and President & Creative Director at The White Agency, Inc. A copywriter by training, he assists clients in all aspects of creating a better message, from strategy to copy to speechwriting. "I say what you'd say, only better."

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