The sanity of Thank You

Mentor-coaches get many versions of thanks from people we have helped. It is one of the most rewarding aspects of the job. When we do get thanked, what do we look for first in the expression of gratitude? The answer is a sign that the person we have been helping has ‘got it’. Any words or gestures that say the client understands what we were trying to do are more than enough to make us go on, even with people who are occasionally stubborn or resistant.

Of the thousands of thanks I have received over the last thirty four years, the most rewarding arrived recently. The flowers with it were beautiful, very acceptable but not necessary. The inscription on the card was simple, generous and revealing. It said:?

‘WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH?

TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE.?

THE CHANGE HAS TO BE?

MADE WITHIN.’

If I never receive any other thank-you in my life, this one will be enough. Why?

Because it is thoughtful. I can’t tell you who wrote it because we work under an oath of confidentiality. If I could tell you I think many of you would be surprised. You almost certainly wouldn’t have heard of the person but you would still be pleasantly interested. What it says comes from the mind but is polished by the heart on the way. All great ‘thanks’ are.

There’s an industry of ‘thank yous’ and an autobot of charming phrases. We all dip into them from time to time to express our gratitude for kindnesses shown, affections acknowledged. It is right that we should do so. ‘Thank’ you is fast becoming a forgotten pleasantry just as ‘please’ has fled politeness. Too busy making money to worry about another person's feelings. When efficiency rules, kindness sinks without a trace. Not for everyone but for many.

It’s about time we corrected it. Just as a pause to appreciate something beautiful rewards us with balanced, functioning minds, so a thoughtful word or gesture makes the drudge that some people suffer in life more bearable, and our own view of ourselves more acceptable. It’s important that we pay attention to that. Much of the mind disorder we are observing in people of all ages today is a reflection of the poor images they have of themselves. We don’t want a society of narcissists but we do want adjusted people living around us.

Gratitude is a big subject. So big, in fact, that I believe appreciation - the precursor to gratitude - is at the root of all sanity. We teach appreciation of the arts and sports but fail to do so for more mundane things. When I consider what I have truly appreciated in my life it mostly comes up as people. Who I have known, loved, worked with, been helped by and helped. Even people I have been hurt by or disliked appear before me for appreciation.

Do they have a common feature? Yes, they are thoughtful. About themselves for sure but mostly about other people. They think about what makes things happen, what causes joy in people’s souls, what tastes last long after the source of them has been forgotten. Recent work with some of our clients suggests that when someone appreciates an experience their memory holds it longer and is spurred by the effort to remember other events better as well.

There are no swift solutions to mental derangement and dementia. The balance between coping and not quite coping is very fine. We can all tip over the edge. If our behaviour is mainly steady and our aspirations are reasonable we may not reach Venus.

But our feet will remain on the ground.

That’s the best way to stand,

Good morning

John Bittleston

What’s your experience of pressure making people insecure? We'd love to hear it at [email protected].?