Be on the same page

Money is complicated.

It can be stressful, and it can be comforting.

It can be factual, but it can also be emotional.

One of the biggest obstacles that I have seen when it comes to financial planning is for spouses not to be on the same page.

For the most part, lucky people grow up being taught how to spend, save, give, and invest. They learn how to budget, how to manage debt and learn all kinds of things about money that are also very subjective.

The unlucky people grow up not being taught much of this and just grind it out and hopefully figure things out on their own.

The crazy thing is that these people end up getting married and have very few people to guide them through learning and talking about money as a couple.

Even in the ideal situation where a financially educated person marries another financially educated person, they have different backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences.

So how do we make sure we are on the same page as our spouse?

We communicate.

But we can’t just talk about it once and be done with it, we have to communicate well, in-depth, and often.

By no means are my wife and I perfect at this,

Just recently we had a situation where I didn’t communicate my thoughts about how we were going to spend money on something, and her ideas and my ideas didn’t line up.

We talked through it after the fact and made sure that we were on the same page going forward, but if I had communicated my intentions first, it wouldn’t have ever been an issue.

Now I know it’s easy to just tell you to communicate, but I want to help you communicate well.

Here’s what I recommend:

• Be thorough. When you sit down and talk about everything, that $1,000 bonus check that is coming in counts towards the conversation. I know you’re planning on using that to make upgrades to your house, and I know you’ve figured out exactly how much those upgrades will cost but does your spouse?
• Be honest. This is a big one. If you don’t have honesty in your marriage, you likely have more problems than I can help you through, but please, please, don’t ever lie to your spouse about money, or anything for that matter. I’ve heard horror stories of people thinking their spouse bought something in cash, and instead financed it, and invested the cash in crypto. Being honest is such a huge part of communicating well and I can’t express the value of it enough.
• Be objective. As I’ve mentioned before, money can be very emotional. It’s easy for tempers to flare and arguments to ensue over things that may not even matter much. Do the best you can to keep from jumping to conclusions, and let your spouse fully explain their point of view before you start talking. And I’m speaking to myself here, actually listen to what your spouse is saying and stop trying to think of a rebuttal before they’re even finished. No, you’re not the only one that does that, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.
• Make it as fun as possible. When you are having these conversations with your spouse, don’t make it at the end of a hard day, right after you’ve had an argument about money. Make it relaxed. Stay in and sit on the couch with some desserts. Go out for drinks and appetizers, just to have a different view. Find what works best for you and your spouse and make it as stress-free of an environment as possible.
• Make it consistent. In the same way that you (hopefully) haven’t stopped “dating” your spouse after you got married, you need to also have what I like to call “money dates.” Depending on the complexity of your finances and/or life in general, this may need to be weekly, or you may be able to schedule this monthly, but just make it consistent. By all means, have dates that don’t revolve around money, or you might start having other issues, but it’s also ok to have dates where the primary focus is finances.

So, what do you talk about?

Well, it depends on what season of life y’all are in, and what your goals are.

If you’re trying to pay off debt, you may need to talk about how you’re making progress and how much room in your budget you have to pay extra towards it.

If you’re more focused on investing heavily for the future, you may need to talk about if y’all are funding your retirement enough and how much money you have in your budget going to that.

If you own a business, you may need to discuss different things you’re planning to implement and how much they will cost.

One thing that I recommend talking about on every “money date” is the budget.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your budget is, it’s something that needs to be reviewed regularly. Not necessarily to the penny, but just checking in on things and making sure your spending still lines up with your priorities.

Action items for this week:

1. Schedule a money date with your spouse this week. Make it something enjoyable but let them know you want to talk specifically about money. Don’t say, “We’re terrible with our money and we need to fix it.” Instead try something like, “I just want us to be more intentional with how we use our money and I want to make sure we’re on the same page.” If you just spring the money conversation on your spouse after you get to the restaurant, you may run into some issues.

Yep, that’s it.

This is so important that I don’t want you to be distracted by anything else to do this week.

If you’re in a bad place with your money, go into this date accepting that the position y’all are in is likely at least half your fault. Be humble.

If you’re in a good place with money, go into the conversation with gratitude that your spouse has supported/led you well in your family’s financial life.

P.S. An objective third party can be of great benefit in conversations like this. No, don’t have someone be an awkward third wheel on your “money date”, but it may be helpful for someone else to walk you through some conversations you could be having.

If you want me to be that person for you, as always, my calendar link is below.

https://calendly.com/spencer-reed-barefoot-financial/virtual-coffee

LFS-6468826-031124