New Research on Listening

It's a game. A classroom teacher whispers a sentence to a student on the front row. That student turns to the student behind her and whispers the same sentence to the next student. The sentence is then whispered student-to-student throughout the room until the very last student is asked to say the sentence he heard out loud. The class giggles because the final message is dramatically different than the original. It is a fun exercise that illustrates the primary challenge we face in communication. 

"What is said is not always what we hear, and what we hear is not always what we remember."

It's a cute game when a group of grade school students mangles the message as it is passed along. However, in the business world broken and incomplete communication is costly and dangerous.

The most dangerous time for you in a hospital is the change of shift when your nurse gets ready to go home and they handoff your care to the oncoming nurse. 

"Our patients are coming in much sicker more anxious than ever. The importance in excellent communication in a handoff is to ensure competent, caring, and complete exchange of information for that patient."

Cathy D. Grubbs Speaker and Coach, The Studer Group 

In real estate transactions, most mistakes are made as the process hands off the buyer or seller to another department. If in your local coffee shop you order a half-caf, low fat, non-dairy mocha latte and what you receive is none of the above the root cause is usually a fault with the handoff of your order from one person to another.

"Successful handoffs require skill both from the speaker and the listener. Listening well is hard work."

Even in ideal situations we only retain about 25% of the information we've heard. In our chaotic and busy real lives, it's likely that figure is much lower. A better handoff process requires better speaking skills and better listening skills. 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." —Stephen R. Covey.

Recent research demonstrates that most people have an outdated idea of what being a good listener looks like. We imagine a person silently listening while they allow the other person to speak and speak and speak. Research suggests this model is not accurate.

Great listeners, research tells us, are actually much more active. Rather than passively sitting and listening, the great listener is actually quite busy. Here are the ten activities research says great listeners are great at:

1. Great listeners ask questions that demonstrate interest and move the conversation ahead. Asking follow-up questions gives the speaker positive feedback. You might ask, "What happened next?" or, "How long has this been happening?" 
2. Great listeners give positive verbal feedback. Simple interjections like, "That's smart." and "That makes sense," encourage the speaker to continue. 
3. Great listeners remove distractions. Turning off our cell phones is key to effective listening. Contrary to popular opinion, none of us are actually any good at multi-tasking. Turn off TV's, put down charts, and remove anything that might cause a distraction.
4. Great listeners maintain eye contact. One of the most evident signs we are being listened to is when the listener is looking at us. We've all been at the dinner party where the person we're talking to spends most of the time looking over our shoulders for someone else. The absence of eye contact feels like we are being ignored even when the listener reassures us they are indeed listening.
5. Great listeners challenge your assumptions. It may surprise you to find great listeners aren't afraid to gently challenge the speaker's assumptions. They engage the speaker by asking follow-up questions that challenge crucial assumptions. "How did you know it was him?" or "This didn't just happen, right? Did anyone know ahead of time?" It's clear to the speaker we are fully engaged when we are listening, thinking, and asking questions. 
6. Great listeners ask for clarifications. "You said he came in this morning. Was it early, like at 7:00? Or later morning?" Clarifying questions help the speaker communicate with more precision and the listener to understand clearly. 
7. Great listeners question jargon and terms they aren't familiar with. Many misunderstandings and miscommunications happen because the speaker and the listener assume different meanings for the same term. Iowa recently had to change the name of the Department on Aging to the Department of Elder Affairs because the acronym, DOA, means "Dead on Arrival" to many people. Great listeners ask for clarification whenever vague terms are used.
8. Great listeners reframe and restate what the speaker has said. Reframing produces clarity of communication. "You said this person always arrives late, right?" The speaker then can clarify. "Not always…but twice this week." Marriage counselors often advise reframing and restating because so many marital arguments end up being disagreements about what was said versus what was meant.
9. Great listeners take notes. The best way to assure the speaker you are listening is to take notes. Once when I stayed at a hotel that suffered a myriad of problems from leaky faucets to unrecognizable smells in the carpet. Explaining my frustrations to the front desk, the attendant asked, "Mr. Pennington, I want to make sure I get this right. Do you mind if I take notes while you are talking?" She then repeated essential items back to me and asked if she had it right. I felt great knowing my concerns were fully and completely heard. 
10. Great listeners follow up. When I returned from lunch at this same hotel the phone in my room rang. This same front desk person was on the phone. She went through the list of problems I had complained about that morning and checked to see if each one had been addressed. I was so impressed I wrote a letter to the hotel chain president. 

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."                                                 –George Bernard Shaw