SACRIFICE or BETRAYAL?

I always wonder if those without faith—like myself—are just lucky. Lucky in manifestation. Lucky in having a loving family. Lucky in having a support system. Lucky in financial security. Lucky in following their dreams. Just lucky.

I say this because—what if the ultimate sacrifice is simply being grateful for the little things, even when you know you’ve settled for less than you deserve? And is settling just a way to cope with trauma? The trauma of being blindsided by life, of having to adjust, and keep adjusting, living in that constant fight-or-flight state. The trauma of feeling like an imposter, no longer the person you once thought you’d be.

These are the questions that keep looming in my mind. In the midst of this reflection, I am reminded that I deserve more. Not in the clichéd sense—but because the proof is there. I know my worth. I see it in the impact I have. I feel it in the feedback I receive—the recognition for both my physical and mental strength, even when it pushes me to my limits.

So why call this piece “Sacrifice or Betrayal”?

Let’s break down the main subject matter, which is SACRIFICE:

Merriam-Webster defines sacrifice as

to suffer loss, give up, renounce, injure, or destroy, especially for an ideal, belief, or end.”

Vocabulary.com adds that it’s usually

for the sake of a better cause.

How does this connect to my story. . . you may ask?

“To suffer loss of.” If this is sacrifice, then yes, I am suffering a loss—financially. After years of work, service, and knowledge-building, I’m not receiving what I should. It’s a sacrifice to my material happiness. We all know money doesn’t equal happiness, but it sure plays a role in living the life you want, starting a business, or having the freedom to dream. How can you build anything without the financial backing—or without someone to fall back on?

So, in that sense, this loss is settling—settling for what I don’t deserve.

And the definition also speaks of “destroying for an ideal, belief, or end.” That’s a deeper concept, one that requires more unpacking. But how do we view sacrifice on a personal level?

Here are the questions that surround me:

1. Are sacrifice and settling the same?

I’d say no. Sacrifice is giving something up. Settling is staying where you don’t belong.

2. Can you gain and lose in sacrifice?

Yes. Since moving to Korea, I’ve gained connection and appreciation for my work. But I’m losing my integrity in what I’m willing to accept financially. My work and the compensation don’t align. As a foreigner in a male-dominated society, there’s no room for advocacy or financial equity.

3. Am I betraying myself, or are my trauma responses protecting me—helping me cope?

4. What do you do when you find joy in the little moments, but anxiety swells because you know you can’t support yourself financially? When you can’t travel back to America—impoverished?

Sacrifice is a looming concept, one we all interpret differently. For me, it’s a tangled, complicated process: Helping others brings me joy, makes me feel alive. But financially, I’m settling. I’m betraying myself, left with no support system, no other options.

My ultimate sacrifice? I’m more than confident that I deserve so much more. But is the universe putting me through this suffering, this grief, just to reveal my breakthrough later on?

I’m CONFLICTED, between being authentic and staying professional, between staying true to myself and accommodating others.

~deeply