The S-Curve of Adulthood

We often talk about the S-Curve as it relates to a job or a role we play but have you ever thought about it in relation to the stages of life?

It’s college graduation season, a time that serves as a symbolic marker of a transition into adulthood. While graduation is an arbitrary milestone, it is one of the concrete indicators that we’ve reached the top of the S-Curve of childhood and it’s time to leap. In my recent Disrupt Yourself podcast with Julie Lythcott-Haims, we talked about how this transition can be difficult, both for parents and children. The leap from childhood to adulthood is the culmination of many S-Curves throughout an individual’s development.

Julie identifies as someone who roots for people (don’t you love that?), specifically young adults, and she centers her work around supporting others in the navigation of this transition. In her recent book, Your Turn: How to be an Adult, she seeks to acknowledge the multitude of forces at play that makes life chaotic and overwhelming while also bringing the reader back to themselves. 

She asks readers to consider, “Who are you?” And in the words of Mary Oliver, “What is it you plan to do with your one, wild, and precious life?”

Our society has made the leap from the top of the childhood S-Curve to the S-Curve of adulthood feel seemingly impossible. In our conversation, she asked, “What have we done so that stepping from 17 to 18 to 19 to 20 to 21 now feels terrifying instead of freaking exhilarating? What have we done to make adulthood look so daunting? What have we done to make childhood feel so cushy that they don't want to leave it?”

By coddling and overmanaging our children, we have created a scenario where children reach mastery and say to themselves, "I like this plateau. I don't ever, ever, ever want to jump." We do this both out of a deep desire to serve our kids and because a lot of us have our egos wrapped up in our kid’s existence. Julie noted that at times, we act like our child is our dog that we've entered into the Westminster Dog Show, and their ability to perform is a direct reflection of our training. Wow, this analogy hit home for me. I’m guilty of that.

So as parents, what is our role? How can we be better? How do we become guides who encourage young people to see the top of the curve as a launchpad, not a cliff? Julie articulates a four-step process to help a child learn a new skill, ultimately enabling them to build the confidence to leap into adulthood.

1. Do it for them – you carry an infant across the street.
2. Do it with them – you hold your toddler’s hand and narrate the process as you cross the street. This is when you begin teaching them how to do it themselves. If you’re in a hurry and you pick them up and carry them across the street, that’s not teaching. You must be in teaching mode enough that they learn.
3. You let go of their hand – you’re still there just in case, but you’ve transferred the responsibility to them.
4. You are no longer there – they are out in the world, without you, safely crossing streets.

As she says, “we're supposed to be transferring our skillset to them, not deluding ourselves that somehow they're just going to magically learn it one day.”

Julie noted that in many ways, overparenting is equivalent to micromanaging in the workplace. So, while this four-step process is incredibly poignant for parents, it’s also remarkably relevant to your role as a leader, as someone who roots for and supports the people on your team while also seeking to build independence and resilience.

So, whether it is moving along your own stage-of-life S-Curve, supporting a child as they take the leap into the S-Curve of adulthood, or helping your team member along their S-Curve, ask yourself “am I transferring a skillset to this person, or am I hoping they will just magically figure it out?” How can you resist the urge to try to control the messy middle when you’ve let someone go but still be there to support them from the sidewalk?

 Whom are you becoming? What are you working on within yourself?

How can you show your people (children, friends, co-workers, direct reports) that you’re rooting for them?