RUOK Day is exhausting for many of us who aren't OK

RUOK?

You may have asked one of your colleagues this question today. You may have been asked. It’s a question – and a movement – borne of good intent. It’s important to check in with the people you care about, and we could all undoubtedly do with more empathy - in the workplace and more generally. But as a person who has a long and difficult history with not-so-great mental health, something about the question – and the day – doesn’t sit right with me. Here’s why…

In 2008, I moved out of home to study. My family life at the time was a bit of a mess to say the least, and between that, the stress of Year 12 exams the previous year, and the prospect of working and studying full-time (because of the financial impacts of those aforementioned family issues), I was out-and-out clinically depressed and anxious - a classic combo! Off to a great start, right!?

I managed my way through my degree with the support of a few close friends and have been supported by those same friends and more on and off through periods of depression and anxiety ever since (as well as regular sessions with a wonderful Psychologist). But here’s the thing: none of them have ever explicitly asked me if I was okay. They?knew?when I wasn’t, and their manner of checking in was softer…

It was a phone call to talk BS about bands while I was bored out of my mind on night shift at the roadhouse.

It was having a coffee ready for me when I rocked up late to my lecture for the 10th?time in a row.

It was realising that I seemed a bit checked-out from a conversation and giving me space for the afternoon.

Lecturers, colleagues, bosses, acquaintances; those who have seen me on a bad day/week/month have asked explicitly if I am okay. I give a big smile and a nod and a “yeah mate, I’m all good!”, and that’s the end of the conversation. They are asking out of that intersection where being a generally good person on one hand, and the perceived social obligation that a National Day of Exhausting Questions puts upon them. My response is one that won’t bring them down a rabbit hole they have neither the time nor the expertise to navigate. And that’s fine – I don’t have a relationship with those people that lends itself to that level of vulnerability or trust on my part, nor responsibility on theirs.

What comes of me answering honestly? I don’t know how well-versed in neurochemistry my colleague is, or how far back into my life story I’ll have to go to explain my current state to their satisfaction. There’s a good chance that this person – someone with whom I have a good, functional working relationship – will be as ignorant as the general populace on this specific subject, asking me if I’ve tried keto, or yoga, or exercising more, which is a conversation I am not willing to have for the 300th?time.

I have colleagues who have become friends, sure, but at the point where that’s the case the relationship is such that the question – the ‘RUOK’ of it all – becomes moot. They know without me having to say as much when, no, I am not OK.

So if you want to support your colleagues on RUOK Day, don’t ask us RWEOK. Just…don’t be weird about people who are having an off day, or an off week, and give them grace when their output isn’t at 100%. Make normal, pleasant conversation with them. Act in ways that make them feel included, and give them opportunities for small wins. Encourage them to take a long lunch, or a day off – don’t put them in a position where they feel obliged to have a conversation neither of you are ready for. One of the biggest predictors of successful self-management of mental illness is perceived agency, so give your colleagues and employees the time and tools to look after themselves, and contribute to a culture that normalises?using?that time and those tools.

And if you want to?really?move the needle at a systemic level, put your efforts into implementing or advocating for flexible hours, and for personal leave where employees don’t have to explain?why?they need to take the day off. Advocate for job security and fair, equitable pay. Call out racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of explicit AND systemic discrimination and inequality that exacerbate mental health issues for those marginalised within the workplace.