IT RUNS IN THE BLOOD

Born into a Middle-class family in the 70’s, my Parents, humble enough to proclaim as always, that they were not highly Educated (like 90% of the people who belongs to the 1960’s), All I could witness from a tender Age (which I’ve analysed), was getting into an Economic crisis from all sides. My Father’s dilemma in the Early 80’s, to begin with, was the Patriarchal property share, distribution of Finance and getting his 2 sisters married. His shoulders were already burdened, after the sudden death of Grandfather. There was practically no one to guide nor to rely on somebody who could uplift the Advertising Agency cum Printing Press.

There had been many instances in my Childhood, where, I’ve witnessed the Hard work & agony of my Parents to raise me and my Brother, at the same time making our Relatives happy, wherever they could, be it help & support during somebody’s ill-health, or be it somebody’s economic crisis and deportment from a country. Anytime for Anyone, my Dad and Mom were there with their open arms and smile, without a speck of complaint. It continues even today.

My article here, tries to reflect on, How the 21st century Parents should be? And also learning from the positives and negatives from our own Parents, we should make a mind mapping to inculcate better values, morale and mould out the best in our Children of today and for Future. My Article will also circle out experiences from certain individuals who were never fit to become Parents nor Grandparents, and at a common juncture we’ll feel ‘this should not be the way a Father should be or a Mother should be’!!

Through different Case studies shared by my Friends, and even categorically mentioning from my personal experiences in Family, I will be disclosing the painful moments and the partiality that I’ve faced through examples/factors in the past 18 years, at the same time there’ve been people here in Delhi, mostly above the age of 60 who has touched my heart positively, and being one of the finest exemplars of a Great Father, a Great Mother or even a Great Grandparent.

Here are the following Factors through which I would be narrating my story of Positive energy and events of Distress, but which has transformed my life, which many of my Relatives nor friends of past has ever imagined. Yes, these things ‘Run in the Blood’.

1.     Economic factors in family- Professional status and societal rank of a person was always a benchmark in our Family. Maybe it’s the same in many parts of South India. Hence Children were educated & brought up in the 80’s only to become either an Engineer or a Doctor. No other profession was considered decent, nor of a societal value. Since then I started a long journey of battle, trying to get into high ranks in every possible school test or board exams. Some children were forced to pursue their kin in same family, just because that person was fortunate enough to get into Colleges, be it by merit or by payment seat. You don’t need a reason for a rivalry in family, when few will fail in these criteria and will be isolated and be marked as an alien or a loser.

Why we need to do this? Why Parents force their kids to follow somebody’s destiny or ambition? That’s utter nonsense. A lot of changes has happened in the mid-90’s, where Arts, Technology, I.T. MBA and other professional courses barged in like anything. Today, we won’t see much dilemma in the hearts of Parents, as choices are many. But have you thought about the fate of the ones who survived through such a mockery in the 80’s??

2.     Bias based on Profession, Social status- Here comes the next step of community or group formation of Doctors, Engineers and the CA people in a family. They were given greater importance, praises, accolades and consideration. Others were outcasts!! EVEN I WAS TREATED AT MANY INSTANCES AS AN OUTCAST.

When did this bias started? Is there any practical significance of such a bias? Who are the people benefitting from it? Are we following the old British System of ‘DIVIDE & RULE’? And when, such weird behaviour is originating from strong religious families like ours, what can we expect from others who are un-educated and atheist?

So, the summary is that, if we don’t make it to high profession & standards we need to face the bias. Who’s going to repair the pain and hurt of those individuals suffered during this bias? Can anybody Answer?

3.     Bias based on location- Very much linked to my second point, is parallel, the matter of locality. Are you Employed in the native land? Or you belong to a Metropolitan city? Or do you belong to an organization in U.S, U.K, Australia or Germany? Yes, its not shocking to hear that our own Brothers and Sisters were given royal treatment and priority, if they are coming from Abroad. Blessed by sheer luck or using contacts and fortune gathered over for years, somebody would’ve made it, agreed! Is that a significant grade to demarcate others of same family? Who has given them a license to show Attitude in front of others, when they get a U.S/U. K/German citizenship?

I REPEAT…………WHY THIS PRIORITY DIFFERENCE?

4.     Competitions among Grandchildren- The first three factors of our Generation, obviously led to future conflicts. Now in this Generation too, we raise our kids, from day one of Nursery schooling to participate in every event possible and be the best. Here also, the one with huge bank accounts can give their best to their children. Others???

The arrival of Facebook & Whatsapp has added more salt onto the wound. The posting of pictures/certificates of achievement among groups & communities will pour in more anxiety, jealousy and pain in the underprivileged!! Why we need to do this? Why we should pressurise our kids? Just like the 80’s generation, we are pushing them into a virtual unhealthy competition and rivalry in future. And to add onto all this, if we’ve some relatives (as mentioned above in my first 2 points), who will be partial to certain kids in a family who belongs to the ‘prioritized category’, you can imagine very well, the rest of the story.

5.     Social media- Never was this fate of individuals in committing crime based on discrimination or low self-esteem, until Facebook came into this world!! Suicide rates have increased when people started comparing to others with high profile, rich, employed, or be with wealthy partners. When the adults aged above 60, use Facebook, particularly when they are ignorant of modern slangs, trolls, memes and the way the youth of today ‘comment’ on others post, instead of taking it light hearted, they make a grave mistake of putting it in the wrong way, disturbing many!!

The issues which were very silly were ballooned up in a controversial standard, whenever these oldies stepped into Facebook. It’s just because of this, many of my cousins left Facebook partially and started their own community in Whatsapp. The simple philosophy that ‘What’s seen on Facebook is not the Real life’ was not really understood by many. Instead they used it as a weapon to measure others or to corner certain family members, whenever they wanted. Are they becoming a right example by doing this?

6.     Slavery system- The above 5 points have been well connected to an Obvious phenomenon in any Family- ‘Being a Slave to the Privileged’. Here the Privileged are those, who might have financially or morally supported any member, at one stage, takes the Advantage of this member for the rest of his/her Life. When these people have the Wealth and contacts necessary to build a ‘control factor’ in the whole family, others won’t even dare to Question them!! Eventually they take over the entire control of the Family.

Now Suppose, if this person is above 60, mixed with other factors, the new generation (or the youngsters in family) will need to respect & pamper the elderly in a very robotic fashion, automatic!! Even if the person exhibits all moronic attitude and speak ‘NUTS’…. still others need to keep mum. WHY?

Why we need to be slaves of somebody? Whom are we scared? Don’t we have self-respect? Courtesy is different, being a slave is nonsense.

Listen to yourself first. Take opinion from the elders, but don’t follow them blindly.

If you think somebody’s post/joke/or a work in Whatsapp or social media is too good, appreciate it. No issue. But there’s no need to celebrate him/her, as if you are expecting a big favour from that person. That’s IMMATURE.

7.     Opportunists- Very much connected to my Above factor is the existence of ‘OPPORTUNISTS’ in a family. They are shrewd, but not mature nor intelligent. They ‘USE’ people for their targets. Its temporary. Their actions, emotions, gestures and appreciations will be Fake!! Never trust them.

It’s the responsibility of Adults in Family to advice these individuals and direct them to better pathways of life. In today’s concept, nothing can be done against these vampires. They exist all over. Intelligence & smartness lies in identifying them at the earliest and try to move away from them, as much we can.

8.     Psychological Reasons- In Indian society, young means YOU are wrong, immature etc and YOU don't deserve respect but have to give respect to YOUR UNCLES, AUNTIES, CHACHAS AND MAMUS without any terms and condition. Give respect who deserves it, not by age. This ‘OLDIES’ always have problem with young generation. “Kuch hua hi nahi , par chalu inka lecture” as if they were SHREE RAM & SATI SAVITRI in their generation. That's the problem everytime younger ones in the family are only wrong elder one are always right.  this should not happen if you are telling the younger ones to respect the elder of the family then the younger ones should also get the respect too!! everyone's point of view should be respected. This is what Indian society is all about. Young mean you are always wrong, you have to respect elders no matter what they say and do, but I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with it, that, in order to gain respect, you should give respect, you can't just give bad to expect good. All my childhood years I was taught to respect elders but presently, there are many elders in my family, who don't deserve any respect.

The point is not to prove who is rude or you have better expectations only because u r born few years earlier than me. We all should understand that we get respect not because of our age but our behaviour. Respecting elders is our culture and we are proud of it, but it would be great if we could get more reason to respect our elders rather than only based on their old age, social status or their profession. Everyone grows old, but only a few ‘GROW UP!! Wisdom has nothing to do with age. Older people have a habit of sermonising and judging and the younger generation gets very antagonised.

Other behavioural disorders, mostly affecting the poor youth are the following:

a)     EGO- Nobody has escaped it. And no one ever will. But, After 60, shockingly….. egoistic behaviour takes a rough turn and it damages the entire Family. And the person who delivers the mood fluctuation and tantrums because of this, will never admit that its his/her fault. Ego has played a very critical role in my Wife’s family side, where the Father himself has taken a dangerous decision of wiping out his own children from the Family. And the Reason: POSSESSIVENESS towards his property and his Wife. The result- He lost the love, care & concern of the children since 2013. Till today, they give more value to a tissue paper than to their own Father. Where are we storing this Ego and till when? After Death, We need to dissolute it, reveal all out in despair and say Goodbye. There’s practically no use of EGO in any areas of life.

b)     Frustrations From Past- A quick Rewind to one’s bitter experiences in past, be it from Anyone, and From Anywhere, be it Workplace, Family or to your own Kids, It all comes out as PAYBACK. And the vengeful attitude takes it satanic form, when a man or a Woman peaks after 60. The person wants everything back, fulfil the desires lost somewhere in the 30’s or 40’s……and the GREED for Money for more accomplishments in life, which once got blocked. I’m not saying, that Dreaming Big is bad or not to chase our Dreams. WE SHOULD. But not on the cost of the love, care and sharing mentality to our Dear ones, particularly when we hear news of someone’s Tragedy. Are we really helping others? Why we need to flush out our frustrations at old Age without thinking of the consequences in other’s lives. Who’s mature here? We expect that to come from you, Grandpa, We expect that to come from you, Dear Father. Do it, let it be a positive Revenge, but not the one to Harm anyone!!

c)     Insecurity & Selfishness: This feeling comes from a very poor EQ. (Emotional Quotient). Our high profile life, our intelligence, social status and the degrees we’ve earned……..all becomes just another piece of shit, when we don’t SHARE!! Why are we reluctant to share our Fortune? Who is deciding the amount to be given to a Beggar or even to your Relative, when in Need? Is there any criteria at this age of 60 to decide, How much to be Given? What are you going to do with this millions of currency in your Bank savings after your bloody Death? Your children doesn’t need. Your Parish doesn’t need. Your Dogs doesn’t Need. So for whom? Are you planning to take all this in your coffin? Why this selfishness?

Let it be a part of the needy. GIVE IT. So that their Prayers will be more than enough to get you pass the gates of Heaven.

d)     Miscommunication and Lack of Transparency between Spouses: The problems at Old Age, actually roots from the middle age or 30’s, precisely after marriage. There are a lot of complications in decision making, adjustments, adaptability etc between the Husband & Wife. The aberrations that happen during the relationship are ‘irreparable’!

The consequences of such non-rectification will be reflected only when the same people reach a life After 60, when, mixed with other traumatic experiences & hormonal issues can be a fatal weapon of destruction.

Having a good life partner, who listens, helps and dream together, will LIVE for longer, happier years with their Children and Grandchildren. It’s a Blessing, it’s a God-given Gift.

A lot of Problems and issues which build up like a volcano, and later erupts miserably, are always laid upon the Woman in the family. Reason they say: “She didn’t make the Husband understand the consequences. She didn’t love her Husband. She always poured OIL INTO FIRE, instead of calming him down.”

 Why this age-old philosophy is stamped on the poor Women? Can’t Men alone stand for his aggressiveness and decision making? Does He Always need a fuel to get things to put into action? Are wives the real culprit of changing their Man negatively? If its YES, my dear Old Man, have a Glance into your past too. You too, been a similar victim in the hands of your Wife. Change yourself, then change Others.

9.     Biological Reasons: Many of the case studies which I collected from others and my own personal experiences are mostly Hormonal too. IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME (IMS) is common among male population after the age of 60. Its initial effects start after 40, but it takes a peak at 60, and the dangerous repercussions will be evident at a very later stage.

And hence the common troll by Youngsters of today: My Grandpa……. lol, he’s a bit NUTS sometimes!! Why this tag? Why? Do we have a solution?

Other major Factors related to Hormonal deterioration can be clubbed together with the Death of one’s Life Partner or Divorce at an early age. The problems & frustrations resulting from such unhappy and unfortunate events in Life can make the later stages tough and miserable.

You might have come across many Oldies with such comments:

“ Oh God, you look Dull in this dress. Where did you get it”? “O Lord, you’ve become really fat. What happened? Is everything alright between you and your Husband? Why you people dont have a child yet? Its been 2 years!!! Is there any problem?

Aren’t you eating well these days? Are you Fine?

Such questions really provoke the Devil in us. Really. But what we can do? Our one arm thrash can lead these miserable creatures to Death. So we cant raise our B.P. too.

What can be done? Just we need to understand that the above Hormonal issues rooted from Jealousy and frustration has changed the GRANDMA!! Just ignore the comments and move forward. The World is Helpless.

As a Ray of Hope, in my profession, I’ve come across few Angels who were motivating, inspiring individuals above 60 who has touched my Life. They still stand as a great contradiction to the experiences I shared above. I’ve met some really loving Mothers, Fathers & Grandparents who literally inspire us to lead a happier tomorrow. Their experiences are worth to share with my Students. They are the examples. They are the case studies.

They are having a ‘GIVING MENTALITY’ and have lot to share with the younger generation. They LIVE after 60, not just SURVIVE.

It’s the conservative philosophy and attitude of the Old in South India, that they are ‘completely dependent & useless’ after a certain age, which is being contradicted by the Old from North India. For that people need to Travel. Develop open mindedness. Explore. Learn from others. Imbibe good culture. Spread the Word. Complement Each other. Appreciate.

LET THESE VIRTUES RUN IN OUR BLOOD.

Then our Life will find a meaning and our Children will have Amazing and Inspiring stories to tell to the future Generations.

Acknowledgements:

My sincere Thanks to:

Jayesh Pillai, Samson Puthenpurackal, Anita Yadav, Arjun Sharma, Ganesh C, Sreeram Natarajan & Anto Kuriakose for the case studies from your Families and Friends.