Running Away from 'Fat Ed'

Yep, when you see the image above, I bet you'll be thinking, 'Who ate Ed?'. That was me in my early teens. In many ways, that version of me has absolutely shaped who I am today. I was very overweight with severe body shame, chronically shy, OCD and had constant low-level anxiety. This was also a time I was deep into several years with ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which meant I was too exhausted to go to school and missed out on the usual social development you get at that age.

Having said all that, I was very lucky in many ways. I had incredibly supportive and very loving parents, and before this time, I had tasted a life that revolved around sport and adventure. Many people have it much tougher.

Literally and figuratively speaking, running away from this has been one of the greatest motivators of my life so far. However, that 'away' motivation has not always been healthy. It's largely been driven by fear and that feels heavy (excuse the pun). That 'fat kid' is always lurking there, sneaking up on me, be it slowly and out of breath.

I crafted a career in outdoor sports and that felt like progress. I became a world-class whitewater kayaker which helped build my confidence. But, I was still 'big' inside and ever paranoid about taking my t-shirt off in public. I did the Great South Run. Still felt fear and body shame. I did the London Marathon. Still felt fear and body shame.

My relationship with my body and health has taken decades to shift to something I can run 'towards'. The tipping point when I think I started to hold 'fat Ed' a bit more lightly was my first Ironman in 2015. I can still remember, during the final 200m, something clicking in my brain, 'maybe I can give myself permission to feel like an athlete'. I think I'd racked up so much evidence that my mind finally started to be more convinced. Since that time, the emphasis has rebalanced to some degree towards running 'towards' something I can be excited about. I've learnt to genuinely love the process of building strength, fitness and skills towards a daunting goal.

There will always be echoes of 'fat Ed'. That's fine. It's part of my personal history, and I wouldn't be the man I am, or be as good at the work I do, without that more vulnerable part of me. It's more like curiosity and excitement now though, rather than critique and fear.

So, what's driving you? Are you running 'away' from something you don't want, or running 'towards' something that excites you? Or a bit of both.

IDEA

In its simplest form, we have 'away' motivation (escaping what you fear) and we have 'towards' motivation (striving for something you want). You could argue that they're both essential in creating the energy for any goal or change in your life, but they feel very different. I've used health and sport as an example above, but you could apply this to anything.

Some examples.

Is your desire to seek wealth motivated by not wanting the financial insecurity, stress and feelings you had when growing up, by the excitement of the life you could lead with more money, or a mix of both?

Is your desire for success motivated by the not-enoughness you picked up as a kid, by the excitement of having a greater impact on the world, or a mix of both?

Is your desire to be influential motivated by having no influence as a child, by the excitement of inspiring others, or a mix of both?

Is your desire to be liked motivated by not feeling great about yourself as you grew up, by wanting to form deeper connections with others, or a mix of both?

Is your desire to be competent and self-sufficient motivated by feeling out of your depth and unsupported when young, by the excitement of what you could create with that competence, or a mix of both?

The past influences your present. But it does not dictate your future. Awareness brings choice.

Whatever your existing motivation emphasis, I'd suggest that running towards something exciting, with open arms, a smile on your face, and recognising when you arrive, feels pretty good.

Running away from something you don't want, being chased by fear and probably not even recognising when you've 'escaped', feels pretty stressful.

'Away' motivation is not bad. It's just not much fun.

EXPERIMENT

Your experiment:

1. Reflect on areas of your life where you're striving for something.
2. What's the ratio of 'away' vs 'towards' for each one?
3. What would need to change to reach 'escape velocity' and leave the fear behind?
4. What would be the required evidence for the above?
5. Is this aspiration still even important based on your present-day reality?!
6. How could you approach the process differently with some lighter 'towards' energy?

It's just an experiment. It doesn't need to be right. So long as you learn something.

Big love, Ed

If you'd like to subscribe to my email newsletter and guarantee receiving ideas and experiments 1-2 times a month, pretty brief, hopefully useful, simply SUBSCRIBE.