The Rungs of Power

I always have time to sit and chat if you drop by my desk. But I don't go to others' desks as often. But that's me. I've had bosses who thought I was wasting my time and those who didn't mind. Many a times a good refreshing chat was had with whoever had come over. Over two decades of observing smart fast track people zip zap zoom in their careers has taught a few lessons.

There are the people with a plan. They will ensure that you receive a schedule of when to meet them and what slots are open and till when. Unless imperative, I avoid these people at work. I prefer laid back relaxed people like myself. Not long back, i was trained in the arcane arts of personal productivity management. Am the first person to admit my productivity can do with a lot of improvement, but on the flip side I don't want to undertake all it takes to achieve a super productive state. I have over the years observed many people, who in their professional and social life have risen high on the basis of their dedication to the following practices. But I have to warn you, while you may be wildly successful in terms of your career, what you become as an individual cannot be predicted. But yes, you will love yourself. As regards others, as a well adjusted individual of the self-absorbed sect of the human race, you won't care what they think of you.

1) First names: call as many people who above you by just their first names. Important device to exhibit your American mindset. Esp if your company is a dyed in the wool traditional sir madam company. After all, thats what their parents named them for, right?

2) Jargonise. Unjargonsie. Repeat: be a slave to the jargon of the day and field. No no no, not Think out of the box and all that. I dont know the jargon of the day, so I wont pretend to know. Stage two is when you loftily announce renunciation of usage of aforementioned jargon and spend considerable time outlining the benefits of simple straight talk. Till the most uncool person in the office also does the same. When that happens, start again. Works well when you have a large team under you. Gyaansaagar-ish possibilities are manifold.

Actually, big risk of sniggering colleagues. Who cares? Social media is a good source and a big headache when it comes to this, hiding sources is much more difficult. But due to it, the latest global jargon jetstream is always within reach.

3) Pretend to be rich. If you pretend and believe to be rich, you will become. Magic. You will become many more things, but rich you will become. Travel by buses, but never be seen traveling by them. And if with a colleague, never travel by buses or trains. And for god's sake don't take pillion rides on their bikes. And if somebody catches you taking a bus or a train, make sure they think you are doing this as a novelty. Clothes have to be branded. Make fake brands a second nature, but never dally with them and el cheapo indian brands like Titan, Blackberrys, etc together. No no no. They are not good brands. Similarly do not mention the cheap dive you go for your booze at Dadar stn. Ever! Its always to be the newest place in town that you will speak about. NONCHALANTLY.

Actually, it is a terrible inconvenience you put yourself through, but it works.

4) Never be single. You are never available. Do not have pictures of your attachment shared. Just need a name and someone who calls you and messages you while you are at work. Serves fine till someone better comes along. Then dump, And repeat the whole thing. Its perfectly alright. Its not like you are married right?

5) Office people may want to go out as a gang. But you hanging out with the crowd should be a treat for them. You have consented to be with them for one evening in many. and when with your office gang. Have one drink. Make it a top one. If everyone is having Smirnoff, you will have a glass of wine. And if the place doesnt serve wine, have water. Mineral water only.

Actually, people will be quite certain you are a snob. Your team will give up on you at some point but management will at that same point start feeling love growing in their heart for you.

6) ABS. Always Be Scheduling. Grocery purchase of Rs. 250? Schedule it. Falling ill? Schedule it. Preferably on a Monday. Never a friday. A schedule is the primary proof that you are ready to take the toughest and most lucrative post. Of course you have no actual idea of what you are going to do. But show that you know how you are going to do it.

Actually, your schedule won't mean jack. But it is a great thing to say that you have a slot post lunch on Wednesday and you can fit someone there. They will not say it but they will be relieved. You boss will ignore such papers. Till you share it with him or her. Then he will be convinced you are a liability and move you somewhere else but upwards.

7) Make lists. Not laundry lists, but evolved derivative mind maps (yes...latest jargon) of things that need to be done. What in your schedule is important and what isn't. This is stage two. After stage 3 your schedule will completely substitute work and finally make you in charge of your life.

Actually, the lists will help. But remember, do only things that are upward looking in nature. As it is not more than 20 percent of it is actually ever going to happen.

Never sit late at work! Its a sign of the loser. The day of the workaholic is so passe! He or she sits late because: a) doesn't have a life b) cannot finish work in time allotted c) has nothing better to do d) is waiting for the 7.30 Ambernath local. All signs of the slow track worker.

Actually, work will never be over in time, so leave. Not because some business leader gave a lengthy speech whose transcript is all over social media, but because when you leave before your colleagues, you are a person who is not seen as needy. Needing this job. And the truth is when you are out meeting other people chances of another job are much much better.

9) Never pick up the phone immediately. This we all do. We will look at the number. But only the truly busy person will reject the call with a message that 'Im in a meeting, please call back at 2.45 pm'. Or 'Hi! can I call you back in 35 mins. Am in a meeting.'

More on this later, but you are busy, have to reschedule meetings and coworkers to avoid.

And if you think this is too much, remember the alternative is doing much, much more Work! And it will not guarantee success like this above will. Do you really want to do that? This is way easier.

(Rehash of an old piece I had posted on facebook)