A Run That Changed My Relationship with Alcohol Forever

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The sun was shining. It was a beautiful May day in Michigan. I was running — one of my happy places — along a gorgeous trail I frequented near my home.

Just 16 days prior, I had what many refer to as a “bottom.” I was at an event and drank way too much. I doubt anyone knew I was drunk, but I knew, and I was mortified.

I don’t know if I thought the audiobook I was listening to,?The 5 Second Rule: The Fastest Way to Change Your Life?by Mel Robbins, would make a major difference in my life … but I never made it past the second chapter.

Running along that gorgeous trail, listening to Mel read her own book, I heard her say, “No matter how bad your life can seem, you can always make it worse. I did. I drank too much. Way too much.”

I’m sorry,?what?

My ears perked up.

This woman was talking about drinking.?

An accomplished author and business coach was talking about?drinking too much.

She continued her story.?

She was doing all she could to look like she had it together. Her husband had started a successful pizza business, but tried to grow too fast and they were losing money hand over fist. She tried her hand at a media career, but ended up with an unsuccessful attempt as a reality TV show host and a contractual bind that kept her from pursuing other work.

Then I heard her say:?

“Every night, I’d have a few drinks to take the edge off. I’d climb into bed drunk or buzzed, close my eyes, and dream about a different life - one where I didn’t have to work and all of our problems had magically disappeared. The moment I wake up, I have to face reality: my life was a nightmare. I was 41, unemployed, in financial ruin, struggling with a drinking problem, and had zero confidence in my or my husband’s abilities to fix our problems.”

I stopped.

I just stopped running.?

Breathing heavy, sweating, and in total disbelief.

This woman was talking about drinking.

I don’t know if there are words available to fully convey how powerful this was for me.

As I sit here now, I’m filled with the feeling I had almost five years ago and I want?so badly?to be able to transmute it into each of you so you can fully understand how life-altering of a moment this really was.

Mel Robbins wrote this book to talk about her 5 Second Rule that changed her life and changed the lives of her readers, but she changed my life by telling the unflattering story of what it was like to rely on alcohol during an excruciating time in her life.

Looking back, I’m blown away by how little she actually talks about it.

The memory is so heavy for me — so big — that I remember it as a long, drawn-out story that took up an entire chapter. But it’s just the two sections I quoted above. That’s all. I even used the search function on my Kindle to see if I was missing a part of the story.

I wasn’t.

The truth is that all it took for me to feel less alone … less of an outcast … less hopeless … was eight sentences made up of 107 words.

It wasn’t even the focus of the book.?

It was a small story.

A small anecdote.

But it helped me feel?seen.?

Understood.?

I went home and took to Google. If Mel Robbins was talking about this, were others talking about this? Were there others I could relate to?

There sure were.

Google sent me Laura McKowen.?

This amazing woman was writing about her struggle with drinking and it was a pretty big struggle.

I don’t remember the exact post that stuck with me. It may have been?Two Years, in which she talks about her drinking with such transparency.

The post begins, “Two years ago today, the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, I woke up in a jail cell. I got my first DUI. It was coming. I’m not sure how it didn’t happen before. I’d driven buzzed or drunk dozens – hundreds – of times.

“The fact I got one is less remarkable than my reaction, which was almost nothing. It wasn’t until I was standing in the Salem court room two days later, shaking from the weekend of drinking and nerves, listening to the police report – which sounded like a dramatic story about someone else – that it started to settle in that I might be kind of f*****.”

I was transfixed.

This woman was sharing her unflattering story and I felt such love and admiration for her. It’s as though she was looking out for me, telling me what lay ahead if I continued down the path I was going.

A couple weeks later on June 11, I emailed Laura through her website. I don’t have the original email, but I do have a reply I sent to her a month later on July 12.

I write, “It’s important to me to express how critical it is that you share what you share. I don’t remember what I initially wrote to you the night I wrote an email of appreciation, but I truly believe that — had I not changed my behavior that I am still in the process of changing — it would only be a matter of time before I became chemically dependent on alcohol.”

My sobriety date is June 18, 2017.?

The event I refer to as “a bottom” was May 13, 2017. The day I heard Mel Robbins speak about her drinking was May 29, 2017. I wrote to Laura on June 11, 2017.

I consider all of those dates “the end” of my drinking, even though they span a full month.

Recognizing and acting on a drinking problem - especially for those who look like they have it all together on the outside - can take years. I “knew” for years that I should quit drinking. I just didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. And I thank God that nothing catastrophic happened while I wasn’t ready.?

You never know what will be your tipping point.

For me, it was a lot of little things that finally added up to the big decision to stop.

Now I can say that I haven’t had one sip of alcohol in 1,683 days. More than 4 1/2 years.

My hope in sharing my story is that it may be one of those “little things” to move you toward the choice to quit. To give yourself a chance to heal. To know that you?are?strong enough to handle what you are trying to forget.

Today may not be the day, but it might be.

I hope it is.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own,?please reach out for help.