Rules Were Made To Be Broken...BUT

By John R. Nocero, Ph.D., MBA, CCRP, GCP, CC, ACB & Katherine J. Pryor, MPM

  We have seen people make huge mistakes by not realizing that happiness and success are their own choices. Think about it – where you are right now, professionally and personally, is influenced by every choice that you have made up until this point. You are in a place of your making which also amazingly means that where you are going is also within your control. If you don’t like what is happening in your life right now, change it. If for some reason you cannot change your actual circumstances, adjust the way you see them.  

  We contend that there are simple answers to some of life’s most confounding issues related to success and happiness. When you focus on making tweaks in a few critical thought processes, you will see significant improvement in your life. Those areas include your inner circle; your propensity to care about what others think of you; and waiting for others to bring change to you.

   Take a moment to think about who you spend the most time with - Jim Rohn said that you are the average of those five people – they are your life influencers. Who are these people? Do they represent the best of you? Are they going in a direction you want to go? Hopefully, the answer is a resounding yes. However, there are times when the people closest to us don’t believe in or encourage us. They don’t bring out the best in us. Or are just around because they always have been. If this is the case, then change is necessary. When you change your life influencers, your inner circle so to speak, for the better you dramatically increase your chances of happiness and success.

   Do you constantly worry about what others will say, if you’re making a good impression, or if others will like you? For some reason, we get so caught up in what others think about us that we change our entire persona to fit an idealized notion created out of thin air – wear uncomfortable clothes, create a false personality, and chase online likes – until we don’t even know who we are anymore. We can get caught up and spend our whole lives trying to please others we lose ourselves which leads to an inner circle not aligned with our “real” selves. Understanding who we truly are and ensuring our inner circle is simpatico with that person is a fundamental element in successful living.

  Certainly, we care what our inner circle thinks, our real influencers, confidantes, and friends. The others? Well, Jimmy can crack corn, because we don’t care. Spoiler alert - not caring is the power of 20-40-60 Rule. 

Originally espoused by actress Shirley MacLaine — and adhered to by Silicon Valley legend, entrepreneur and investor Heidi Roizen — the rule goes something like this: “At 20, you are constantly worrying about what other people think of you. At 40 you wake up and say, 'I’m not going to give a damn what other people think anymore.' And at 60 you realize no one is thinking about you at all.” The most important piece of information there, Roizen says: “Nobody is thinking about you from the very beginning.”

And that’s the beautiful, freeing thing because it is true. We are all so busy and consumed with our lives that we falter by creating self-imposed fears, either from the genesis of a limiting belief or a feeling of unworthiness. Danger – such as being eaten by a mountain lion – that’s real. Fear? Well, fear is real too. It may be False Evidence Appearing Real, but it still feels real. This feeling is painful and unnecessary. According to Robbins (2017), we’re all running around assuming the worst, feeling afraid, and suffering in small ways. An overwhelming yet guiding fear for many is that acceptance is out of reach.

  Wayne (2013) says, when people start to fear an undesired outcome, it often clouds their judgment, causing them to become emotionally unglued. This feeling of being unglued leads to anger and suffering. An angry person is often overwhelmed in a fearful state. Combat this by learning to resist any irrational desires to take extreme reactionary measures to anything you perceive to be unpleasant, and instead, slow down and only respond when you are in a peaceful state. When you take action in a more relaxed state-of-mind, you tend to get outcomes that keep you in that mindset. Decisions made in a fearful state bring results that manifest more unbalance, fear and panic, leading to inefficiency.  

Being afraid…that’s natural. Letting fear box you in, that is a choice.

The moment we begin to assume the worst and feel fear taking control, stop. Recognize that your boss is not constantly thinking about you nor are your colleagues; your significant other is not thinking about you – well, they might be, IF you didn’t do what you said you were going to do for them then you let them down; that’s a whole other ball of wax! On the whole, it just doesn’t happen. Ain’t no one care enough to make it all about you EXCEPT YOU. Of course, this is good news and bad news. The bad news is that no one is constantly wondering if you're okay, how much money you’re making, or whether your life is fulfilling.

The good news is that you are empowered to become your own best advocate. You can change your life if you don’t like it. Sitting and waiting for someone else to make a difference for you is going to end in disappointment. In Dr. Seuss’s book Oh, the Places You Will Go (1990), he writes about a “most useless place. The Waiting Place.” You do not want to be stuck there especially when the limits and fears are self-imposed.

As Dan Kennedy points out, we are faced with two kinds of limits, “there are real and self-imposed limits masquerading as real limits. You have to be able to tell the difference and refuse to be governed by false limits. Further, others will attempt to impose limits by their opinions. Screw’em - your opinion of you is far more important than anyone else’s or even everyone else’s.”

If you get stuck by perceived fears about what other are or will think of you are holding you back – remember the 20-40-60 Rule and free yourself to move forward.

References 

Bazin, C. (2016) 8 Things Successful People Never Waste Time Doing. Retrieved September 7, 2017, from https://www.success.com/blog/8-things-successful-people-never-waste-time-doing

Robbins, M (2017). Feeling Fear Is Natural. Listening to It Is a Choice. Retrieved September 7, 2017, from https://melrobbins.com/fear-natural-listening-choice/  

Seuss, Dr. (1990). Oh, the places you'll go! New York: Random House.

Wayne, C. (2013). "An Unresourceful State of Mind." Retrieved September 7, 2017 from  https://understandingrelationships.com/an-unresourceful-state-of-mind/1456