"Rules" for a flourishing marriage

The following rules are derived from what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, applying the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.

While I call them rules, they are not cast in stone. Decide with your partner on the rules collectively or separately.

Let's dive in and look at each of them.

1. Be a safe harbour to each other

What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. You feel free to be your authentic self and there is intimacy shared. Decisions are made by thoughtful consideration of mutual needs. There is strong effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on how to engage with others. You cherish the relationship and put in effort to nurture and protect it.

2. Adopt a #growthmindset

Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn to deepen your relationship and connection. Entertain the possibility of re-discovering new things about each other instead of having a fixed idea of who he/she is. Work on being the best version of yourself and cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.?

3. Listen, summarise and validate

If you're talking at the same time then no one is listening. The first rule is to take turns to listen and speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you've heard each other's side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of communication.

4. Practise #gratitude

Much research has shown that gratitude is a critical component in the formation of a new relationship, the successful maintenance of such bond and it enables one to feel closer. Naturally this leads to a greater satisfaction. A grateful partner is less likely to compare oneself as he or she focuses on what is good in the relationship. Express your gratitude frequently as this will lessen the feeling of being underappreciated and fortify the connection.

5. Do small things often

Show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture on special occasions. When you do small acts of service and/love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins, you strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you. Identify your partner's love language and show your love accordingly. Express your thanks regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in him or her and be willing to be the first to apologise to repair any regrettable incidence.?

6. Build a healthy love bank

A love bank is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank where there is deposit and withdrawal. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account is flourishing. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a "withdrawal" (for example, a small argument), it doesn't feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in there that it won't end up in the red.

When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered, chances are there is an overdraft. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner's inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bid of

connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparison is made on who's done more.

7. Approach conflict with curiosity

Conflict regulation skill is critical to the success of a relationship. Differences that are addressed adequately are less likely to snowball into massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious to ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. Avoid making the assumption that your partner is being oppositional or disagreeable to make your life difficult. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other.

Those who are conflict avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflict. It's important to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, it becomes less daunting.?

?

8. Be playful and laugh a lot

Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress in the different stages of relationship, the responsibility and burden will increase. As such it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedy, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be more severe when we take everything too seriously.

9. Support each other's dreams

Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have a dream in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner, it is easy to be consumed by the day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out your partner's dream regularly. Initiate such conversation when you'd like to take a new direction in your life. Enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that's meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.

10. Accept influence and compromise

It is impossible to always find an agreement between two individuals. Thus, the skill in accepting influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship. Accepting influence is finding a point of agreement in your partner's position. It is not about insisting that you're right or finding evidence that your partner is wrong all the time. In accepting influence, it doesn't mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else.

If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preference some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.

Try out this rules and see if it will lead you to a greater satisfaction in the relationship.