Of Rules, Exceptions, and Grey Areas: Are There Truths Not Worth Telling or Knowing?

Our Family Strengthening and Securing a Friendly and Protective Environment for Children? Premium Leadership Coaching Program has always been a space for vulnerability and meaningful conversations. Recently, a particularly thought-provoking discussion emerged: Are there truths not worth knowing?

This question arose as we explored the complexities of family relationships, and it struck a deep chord within me. I’ve often pondered this, especially in light of my belief that human experiences are shaped by rules, exceptions, and grey areas. Could it be that some truths are better left unsaid?

I remember a profound conversation with Mr. Ademola Adeshina Ogunlana of blessed memory. He shared with me a story about truth, love, and the fragility of relationships. A woman, unable to conceive children with her husband, was advised by her friend to seek children outside her marriage and raise them as her husband’s. Over time, she bore six children this way, all of whom her husband lovingly raised as his own, unaware of their true biological origins.

Years later, after the man had successfully raised these children into adulthood, the friend who had given this advice, now estranged, sought revenge. She approached the man and revealed the truth: "Your six children are not biologically yours." The man, a father in every meaningful sense, listened quietly and replied with a question that speaks to the depth of his love and wisdom: "Who else do these children know as their father?"

When the friend admitted that they knew no other, he said, "Then I am their father. Please do not destroy my family. For me, this conversation never happened." With that, he chose to let the truth remain buried, prioritizing the stability of his family over the cold, objective reality of biology.

I also recall another story told to me years ago. A man had an affair with his sister-in-law, which resulted in a child. The brother raising the child believed it was his, and life moved on peacefully until the man who had fathered the child became a person of faith. Believing his faith required restitution, he revealed the affair to his brother. At first, the brother dismissed it, saying, "Your wife is my wife; my wife is your wife. Don’t worry about it. Everything is fine."

But everything was far from fine. The elder brother later attacked and killed the younger brother in a gruesome act of revenge. The question lingers: would it have been better for the man to have made his peace with God quietly, sparing his brother and family from this devastating truth?

?Rules, Exceptions, and Grey Areas

These stories, like so many in life, exist at the intersection of rules, exceptions, and grey areas. They invite us to question our understanding of truth. In a world where the pursuit of truth is often held as a cardinal virtue, are there times when truth becomes a burden best left untouched? Are there truths that, when revealed, unravel the very fabric of our lives?

The law itself acknowledges this paradox, particularly in matters of paternity. Across many jurisdictions, the best interests of the child often take precedence over the establishment of biological truth. Under doctrines like equitable estoppel, a man who has acted as a father to a child may remain the legal father, even if genetic evidence suggests otherwise. This is because the child’s emotional, social, and psychological stability is considered far more important than biological accuracy.

?Truth Versus Stability

Consider the legal principle enshrined in the Uniform Parentage Act, which gives courts the authority to reject even valid evidence—such as DNA tests—if proving the truth would disrupt a child’s sense of family or emotional well-being. The law prioritizes stability and continuity over genetic facts, reflecting a profound recognition that some truths, though scientifically accurate, may not serve human values or justice.

The man in the story understood this deeply. His fatherhood was not defined by biology but by years of love, sacrifice, and responsibility. He chose to preserve the integrity of his family over the need to "know" the truth, embodying the essence of love that transcends biology.

The Greater Truth

These stories leave us with a challenge: in our relentless pursuit of truth, how do we weigh the costs? How do we balance the desire for facts with the higher calling of love, peace, and stability? Perhaps, some truths are best left untold, not because they lack significance, but because knowing them might unravel relationships, identities, and lives.

As we reflect on this, let us embrace the wisdom of grey areas. Silence, in some instances, is not deception; it is grace. The man’s choice, and the legal principles that echo his decision, remind us that love and responsibility often transcend biology. And in that, perhaps, lies the greatest truth of all.

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