Rule 12: Make a Plan to Address Unresolved Conflicts

From the 16 Rules of Fair Fighting for Married Couples, Rule 12 speaks to both the intentionality and the importance of planning to resolve issues.

"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” Eph. 4:26-27

We take this exhortation not as a law, but as a principle, that problems left unresolved give the potential for additional hurt and sin. In other words, deal with it in as timely a manner as is advantageous, to avoid making it worse.

If the process of hashing out a problem is taking too long, it’s OK to pause it for the evening with the agreement to get right back to it. Set a specific time and take notes so you can summarize and pick up where you left off. Kara and I frequently coach couples to use the "parking lot" method. Especially if in the discussion of an emotional and taxing "Problem A", "Problem B and C" also pop up requiring additional attention. It can be very helpful to pause the discussion regarding "Problem A", name and make note of "Problem B and C", and then go back to dealing with "Problem A". There may be no time in the day or energy left in your body to deal with anything else that day. The note you take is our "parking lot" and the couple, as they write it, agree to come back and address those issues.

If it feels like you don't have the skills to come to a complete resolution, consider involving a married couple or a counselor who does. Make sure they understand your rules and agreements! An older, wiser couple that’s been married longer is a great choice for this, as are pastors and professional counselors.

The important thing to remember, is if it bothers your spouse, or you, it's important to remember to set aside time to honor your spouse by coming back and addressing that issue.