Rule #1 is "No Dying"
A few weeks ago, I wrote about "Cousin Shannon's Rules for College", but this time I want to backtrack a bit and talk about the rules (or lack thereof) I enforced with my children and their friends growing up. The rule(s) at the Brewer Household apply to all ages. The expectations at my house are the same for adults as they are for kids. So, without further delay, here is a list of the rules you will have to follow if you are a visitor at the Brewer Household:
That's it. Really. With these two rules (and a willingness to allow people to experience the natural consequences of their actions), no other rules are needed. Aside from death, any situation a child finds themselves in* is fixable. Ideally, children learn to find solutions to problems on their own - which they can do if they're alive. Let me explain how this rule came about and how it works.
First of all, I implemented this rule on account of my friend Mary, who was our first visitor to Shanghai and 70 years old when she visited. She spent three weeks traveling China with a tour group, then came to stay with us for a week. While she was with us, she fell ill with a nasty China stomach flu. She was sick for a number of days, and I began to worry. What if this did her in? I had never met her children before. What was I supposed to do, call them up and say, "Hi, you don't know me, but your mom was visiting me in China and she got sick and..."? Who wants to deliver THAT message? So as she staggered from the guest bedroom to the bathroom one time, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Look. There's no dying on my watch. Period. Got it?"
Mary laughed at me, and she did recover. We even got to go to dinner with her daughter (who happened to be in Shanghai on business that week). But the experience got me thinking - and the simplicity of the "Don't Die" rule was appealing. In a country with far fewer safeguards than the US, I needed to make sure that my children were smart enough to keep themselves alive. So I began to joke with them that they couldn't do certain things because those things could lead to dying, and that wasn't allowed. For example:
You get the idea. As parents, we don't want to see our children get hurt. But nonlethal injuries - while distressing - are manageable. The possibility of lethal injuries is what really causes the cortisol to kick in.
This rule is as effective with small children as it is with teenagers. For small children, the beauty of the rule lies in its simplicity. While a four year old may not fully internalize the finality of death, they understand at their core that death is in the "BAD" category of life events. By helping them link their actions to possible outcomes (if I run out in traffic, that car can hit me, and I might die - and that is BAD), they start thinking about how actions can lead to consequences.
For teenagers, "Don't Die" provides very little room for argument. It was the basis of the only true directive my father ever gave me (because given my obstinate and spiteful nature, I would do the opposite of what anyone told me to). When I turned 16, my father told me I was not allowed to drink and drive. Nor was I allowed to ride with anyone who had been drinking because that was a really good way to wind up dead - and he didn't want me dead. I didn't have a good argument against that logic - and I never broke that rule.
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This rule has worked with my children and their friends. Ask any young person who has spent a bit of time at our house, "What is Mrs. Brewer's number one rule," and they'll tell you with a laugh, "No dying!" But when they were here for activities like Destination Imagination (I was a team manager for my children's teams for years) and using our shop equipment, they knew the rule meant they had to be careful and responsible. If I couldn't trust them to use the table saw safely (and always with me present), they couldn't use it at all because I didn't want to have to explain to their parents that they were badly injured or dead. When they wanted to go out on the roof of our house (two of our children's bedrooms have windows that lead onto the roof of our front porch), they knew they had to:
The first two points were necessary to avoid accidental death by falling off the roof. The second point was to avoid being strangled by Mrs. Brewer for damaging her solar panels...and strangulation CAN lead to death... ;)
"No Dying" is an all-encompassing rule. For my two boys who are old enough to drive, no dying means they should drive safely. Mom doesn't want to get the call from the police that they're dead. When they go off to college, no dying underpins many of Cousin Shannon's Rules for College - especially the rules about drugs, alcohol and sex. I even use the rule on my husband when I try to get him to eat salad - he has to eat healthfully because he's not allowed to die and leave me alone with three kids!
Maybe "No Dying" isn't the right rule for your family. But whether you decide to use this rule, or others, consider keeping the rules as short and simple as possible. Simple rules are easier to follow and easier to enforce. As a parent, I need as much effective simplicity as possible.
In my next post, I will write about the difference between rules (enforceable ultimatums) and expectations (agreed upon ideas regarding behavior which have natural consequences if not met ). Expectations can be tricky if the vision you have for your child's life is not the same as the vision they have...
*Please note, these are the rules at home - obviously I made sure my children and their friends were safe and accounted for when we went out to avoid them being kidnapped or lost.