The 'Ruined' Date that Changed My Life

The date was set, the venue enthusiastically agreed upon, the anticipation was electrifying, and the long-anticipated day was here! Naturally, to make a good impression, I dressed the part and was on my way to a first hot date. We made reservations in a special section of the restaurant where we’d enjoy the spectacular view of the stars, once I got to the restaurant, I was courteously ushered to our table. Every step seemed to elaborate my heartbeat, evidence of being nervous. I was intentionally early and wanted a few minutes to ease the excitement before my date arrived.

Alas! When the waiter showed me our table, reserved for 2, there were other characters. “Are… you sure this is our table…?” I asked the host hesitantly, to which she responded with a smile on her face, “yes, they called ahead and said it was a surprise for you…” and she left. My heart quickly moved from the excited heartbeat to adrenaline state as soon as I identified the familiar faces. As the thought to turn back and run from what was promising to be an awkward moment and a disaster of a date crossed my mind, one of the 3 familiar faces noticed me and called out loudly. I cringed! There was no turning back. My Weaknesses somehow got wind of my first date with Strengths. And here they were, un-invited guests to my date.

Before this, I had dated Weaknesses for the better part of my life. I know them too well, unfortunately, better than my Strengths. The reason for the date was to change this situation because wallowing in the drama Weaknesses has wrecked in my life is no longer appealing. Any minute, Strengths would walk in and here I was at a crowded table with Weaknesses mocking and taunting me. And while I was trying to decide what to do, Strengths walked in, with such splendour and delight in her demeanour. I froze for a while admiring her, and at that moment, time froze. That special moment was rudely interrupted by a burst of laughter, “is this your date? seriously, no wait” them Weaknesses looked at each other for a moment and unleashed another hideous laugh. At this point, I wished the ground would open and swallow me. To my amazement, Strengths gracefully saluted Weaknesses, said hi to me and joined us at the table.

The date was a disaster, Weaknesses interjected our conversation and were?all over our food. I was disappointed, but Strengths didn’t seem as bothered as I was. In fact, she agreed to another date.

On the next date, I made every effort to ensure Weaknesses did not know the address. And finally, it was just the two of us, Strengths and I, laughing as we explored possibilities together. We ordered starters, oh how it appetized the idea of starting a new business. By the time we got to the main course, business was picking up, customers were becoming more aware of what we are doing. As I slice the steak, I accidentally drop the steak knife. And… opps, that draws the attention of Weaknesses. Just as I know them, so do they know me. They know my movements; they know my favourite hangout restaurants. Before we know it, they have joined us and made the table crowded, again! With little table manners, they help themselves to our meal. What was a pleasant conversation now becomes a messy affair. Here we go again! Competition in business, rough waters, financial upsets, go slow in the market. Weakness reminds me of 'past performance', like these:

Growing up, one of my ambitions was to make dad and mum proud. I saw them invest blood sweat and tears to ensure we made it through school and enjoyed a decent life. Now that we have 1 daughter (just 1 and it feels like climbing 2 mountains with rocks in a bag pack), I see how raising 5 kids was a heroic task for mum and dad. So, my goal was to make them proud. I chose academics since they highly regarded it. The peak were the final KCPE and KCSE exams for primary and secondary school, respectively. I did not pass nor fail; it was an unexpected result. Average. Mum and dad were not happy, I felt I had let them down. In self-pity, I glorified my inadequacies. Labeled myself according to the exam results. This disappointment stuck with me and I dearly held on to it until making mum and dad proud would free me. THE RESULTS.

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Then I started working, and my ambition was to make my employer proud, and by extension show mum and dad that I may not have made it in academics, but I can do it in employment. I had moments of exemplary performance at work, even recognized several times.?But if mum and dad didn't acknowledge it, I fell short of my ambition. THE PERFORMANCE.

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He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favour from GOD. The LORD Blessed me with a Beautiful Woman! Excuse me as I take a minute to smile… eh hem. I did what I could to man up to my role as a husband. You thought the results were bad, you thought the performance was pitiful, this was ugly! In my eyes, I was nothing close to the kind of ‘good’ husband I imagined. In multiple instances, I failed and hurt my wife. Of course, marriage is a journey that includes hurt, pain, healing, joy, tears and camaraderie in a cocktail. But for the longest time, it felt like my inadequacies were more concentrated in this cocktail. THE VALIDATION.

At this point, Strengths suggests we go for dessert, an idea I gladly jump on. On our way back to the table, I see them Weaknesses laughing out loud and creating a scene as they make a mockery of our attempts (Strengths and I) to know each other.

Another disappointing date. On the way home, Weaknesses touch a nerve. Validation. And it awakens the wild heart in me. My response to them was, "thank you for bringing me here, to this place of pain and frustration. For now, this is the turning point. I dated you for long because you were part of me, but you are not me. And this is the battle you have kindled". I am not defined by my Weaknesses, no matter how well I know them!

Today, I no longer date Strengths occasionally when the coast is clear of Weaknesses. Every day, I date Strengths, even in the presence of Weaknesses. Sometimes I invite them along, to which they are surprised. I do that which I have never done before when I let results, performance or validation stand in the way. I initiate that difficult conversation, while Weaknesses throw mocking dares at me. I design new concepts that Strengths has been suggesting but her voice was faint due to the loud backlash of Weaknesses. And I realize that on every date, I need to learn Strengths' voice because Weaknesses will keep talking, more like … shouting! The choice is whom to listen to.

On our date today, Weaknesses reminded me of the people I had let down, which I acknowledged. But I also listened to Strengths who reminded me of the testimonials from people who have benefitted from my coaching and training sessions. Our dates are not perfect, but I'm learning a new skill. To listen to the sweet voice of Strengths, right in the blast of Weaknesses' mocking reminders, intimidations, and belittling. I’m training my ear to listen to what sounds like a whisper from Strengths. And the more I do, the better I get at distinguishing the voices.