RUBBERCHILD-EARTHRIDE-CH>3

 I remember my dad asking me,” When we move to Rutland, what School would you like to go to?” I told him “the public one” but after I painted his arms black with permanent marker while he was sleeping he changed his mind. I ended up going to Christ the King middle school. It was private, catholic, and strict. I had a full summer before going to this Fema camp so my brother, sister, and I were wondering what the hell we were going to do all summer? My dad’s suggestion for my brother and I was to get our bikes, and go down to the community pool. What he didn’t know was that the public pool was called Whites, and it was scumbag central. Rutland, which is in mid Vermont  is either rich or poor there is very little middle class. The DeClue’s were middle class, but this has nothing to do with scumbags. I have many poor friends and they are some of the greatest people in the world. A scumbag is someone that wants to steal, fuck, fight, and chew, sometime all at the same time!! Basically they were there to make your life a living hell. I’ll give you a little homework { go to your local Wall mart and hang outside for 15 minutes YOULL LOVE IT!} When I first moved to Rut Vegas I had no idea about scumbags but just like the redneck it didn’t take long to figure out. If you hang out on the Whites playground even to this day your going to get your ass beat a few times a day. Not monthly, not weekly, daily. Anyway, this first day at Whites I just walked around asking everybody if they were going to go to Christ the King. Not a good idea considering this was a public pool with public school kids. Surprisingly enough there was no ass kicking that day. I actually made a friend and it wasn’t a tree! It was a little kid on the high dive. He looked at me and said he went to Christ the King and then did a cannonball splashing the shit out of me. When he got out of the pool we went into the sun to formally introduce ourselves. I told him I had just moved into town but never said anything about my mom. He told me he was going into 6th grade. I was surprised because he looked so small but was really excited to hear we would be in the same grade. That whole summer we would talk about how much fun we would have once school started. His family was strict and wouldn’t let him in during the day so we would stay at Whites or hang out at my house. As we all know, kids hanging out in the summer until 5 pm is probably not a good idea. We really raised havoc! We would shoot bottle rockets in my dad’s house, put the riding lawn mower in neutral and drive it down this steep hill, steel cartons of cigarettes and re sell them, light shit on fire { This included the mailbox, and my dad’s car.} We even teed off golf balls in the back yard. They would shoot out into the neighborhood sticking into the siding of our neighbor’s houses, it was really really bad. Soon school started and the discipline began. Bring out the hooded diesels I’m ready!… Actually I had a very nice teacher. Her name was Sister Patricia She loved football and the Irish. She also must have known my problems in Woodstock because she would tell me if I needed to I could go in the hall and walk around for a break. One day I told her I need a break and stepped into the hallway. The sole of my shoe was hanging off so I pulled it the rest of the way. Then I proceeded to the office and asked for the principal, Sister Rita Marie. When she came out to see me for the first time I held up the rubber and explained that I had lost my sole. My dad was in the office 15 min later and my ass was being kicked 30 min after that. I think the faculty knew about Woodstock but not the kids so it was like walking on a thin line every day. Did they know? Would they tell others about it? Do we have to move again? It’s hard to believe nowadays that being gay, or having parents that were gay or friends that were gay was basically a death sentence. AIDS was still called G.A.D (Gay Associated disease) and people said it was a punishment from God. You wouldn’t be able to find a job, you were completely excommunicated from the community and even your church would turn there back. I remember time and time again searching the bible in religion class looking for the section on Gays going to hell. It must be in here I would think…Jesus must have said something somewhere? Guess what it’s not in the book. As a matter of fact Homosexuality was common and accepted in biblical times so you can all fuck off. And I say ALL because 99% of our community wanted us to die. It wasn’t just the Republicans, or the Liberals it was everyone. Now they are all hidden in the shadows of the new political agenda towards same sex relationships but the hypocrisy is evident. On the first day of school I saw Jason and was really excited to see him. All the other kids said he was gross and that his nickname was Boner. I don’t know why they thought he was a loser so I got a little confused. A few days later I figured I was going to like whoever I wanted and that was that. We were best friends and still keep in touch to this day. Middle school was pretty good, I became a regular kid. I walked home from school, hung out with my friends, it was the basic normal situation. My brother moved up into high school and my sister seemed to be adjusting pretty well. Jason was one of those friends that sometimes you wondered why you hung around with them not because he was gross but because of his appetite for destruction. He was constantly getting us into trouble and sometimes if he was bored, I was his target. He would break my stuff, steal my games, and eat my cereal, it would piss me off. When I was young I didn’t understand, but dad said he felt sorry for Jason. Jason had no real family. This was true; His mother was very strict, and always wasted. And his dad was even stricter. His sister had a mouth like a sailor and they were tough, real rugged. My dad picked up on this and always gave Jason a break. One time Jason's parents were really on him so the two of us decided that he should live in my attic. Only thing was my attic had no floor. It was only insulation with thin wood beams in between. So the first night my dad is sitting in his reading chair after dinner watching 60 minutes and Jason falls through the ceiling right onto the old man. Normally this would have been the end of the world. But it was Jason and my dad just made him a bed. Now, I’m pointing out my dad’s softer side because they’re few and far between. Usually he was an ass-kicking machine and if we stepped out of line, it was real trouble. To this day I don’t know how he handled three teenagers but he did. So through middle school this was pretty much what happened. On the weekends I would take the Vermont transit up to see my mother. By now she was living in this small apartment near Thetford, Vermont. She was seeing Penny but they didn’t live together. Penny and I became fast friends. We both had so much in common. It didn’t take long before we hung out together every chance we got. She taught me about respecting nature, caring for animals, respecting women, as well as hard work. I would try to see Penny every chance I could. My brother would never come and my sister came but not very often. I was too young to understand why my brother didn’t want to see my mom. I was just too young to understand much of anything other than I missed her. People ask me all the time what my outlook is on being raised by a gay couple and I would really only have one thing to say. You have to keep it balanced. Don’t talk bad about the other gender and don’t say bad things about your ex in front of your children. If you follow these two rules you should be okay-but balance is the key. My mother made the mistake of man bashing as well as talking bad about her ex. The two biggest no no’s. She spoke lies to build her case. As a child and her being my mother my dad didn’t stand a chance. We became distant and I became angry. I started taking sides and becoming depressed. I don’t know how the whole saga got turned on my dad or anybody but it did. So high school came around, my sister went off to college and it tore me apart. My mother had left at an early age and my sister was basically like a mother to me. When she left the house I felt Clausterphobic BUT!! My brother and I finally had separate rooms so slowly but surly I dealt with it. I was now a freshman, the school was Mount St. Joseph Academy and yes it was private and strict. There is so much more I could tell you about middle school before I got into high school so I guess I’ll go through the highlights. In 6th grade when I realized Boner was cool and most of the other more proper kids were the dickheads, my life began to change. I started seeing people for who they were rather than their social upbringing and it scared the shit out of me. Why? Because most of the people that in "normal society" would be considered worthless were the kindest of them all. The downtrodden, the meek that I was hearing about in bible study. They were all around me but people just didn‘t give a shit. Even the teachers at school didn’t practice what they preached and it made me feel isolated and alone. Around this same time I met a new boy that became a close friend. His name was Chris Smirski. We met each other after another kid had given me his fake number. I was pissed and it was recess of the next day. Chris came over asking me to hang out. I thought it was another hoax so I just told him to piss off. He gave me his number and I tried it anyway and it was real! This was another kid that everybody said was bad news, it was crazy! Anyway we became fast friends; he was the very first person to ever show me real music. I’ll never forget. It was Guns and Roses’ Appetite for Destruction and I was never the same. I loved music and everything about it. I even loved the smell of music stores. We listened to every kind of music imaginable interested mostly in how many girls they had, and their destructive appetites. Both of us had come from hard families and we had very destructive sides. We pierced our ears with safety pins and started to rebel. My friends and I never really vandalized anything we thought it was just a waste. What we wanted was a band. I don’t know how Chris and I came up with this crazy idea but we somehow convinced our dads that our demo was the first Motley Crue record. It sounded shitty and we just lied and lied for weeks. They kept listening to the demo really getting excited. Finally they bought a drum set for Chris and a guitar for me. After we figured out how to set the crap up we were ready to rock. Both our dads sat cross armed staring at us as we began to panic, (We couldn’t play a note) finally the truth was out. The greatest Rock and Roll swindle ever. Now we had instruments and a band and we called it TOXIC but after kissing Smirks girlfriend Linda Mayer (What a suckass I am) the band broke up. Of course Chris hated me and the first fistfight I ever got into was with him. We kicked each other’s Asses for an hour with the whole school in the background. I broke my hand in the fight, but Chris was tougher. The next day he wanted to fight again but my right fist was the size of a watermelon and I just couldn’t. Him wanting to kick my ass lasted through 7th and 8th grade so my nice walks home became backyard sprints of sheer horror. Christ the King was really the first place I got to know people for a few years, and graduating was very emotional. By this time change, as well as abandonment, started becoming an issue for me. By the summer of eighth grade I was wild as hell and my dad decided to send me to camp. But this was no regular camp, no coed lets see if we can steal braws and panties in the night kinda camp this was Holy Cross. An all boys’ Catholic camp from hell! Before I left I told my bother to give me an eraser burn so if needed, I could peel the scab off and bleed all over the place. In camp I found out quickly that we went to church every day. I had been going to church all year, plus bible school, and now camp so I was a little holied out. I made e myself bleed every day just to get through the nightmare but I still couldn't take it. So what did I do? I ran away. But before I did, a friend of mine one grade lower at Christ the king made a better escape. He was in the same position as me. School, camp, church etc, going crazy with all the bible study. One day he was on the beach and I see this speedboat pull up, it was his dad. He jumped in the boat and took off into the sunset and that was it. I mean THIS WAS A HIGHLY THOUGHT OUT ESCAPE PLAN LIKE IN THE MOVIES AND I REALLY GOT A LAUGH OUT OF IT. His mom sent him there so his dad bailed him out. I took this idea and went with it. I broke into the adult barracks and called my mom. She picked me up at a flower stand down the road. My dad was pissed AS HELL; it was in the papers and everything. Because we didn’t call for a while, we could have gotten in some serious trouble but Penny smiled and said it was like a real break out, and I thought it was awesome. This leads to the summers being spent at my moms. By this time she was living with Penny. They had this beautiful house in Thetford with a lake and a river. It was on a dirt road with no one around. The backcountry looked like Ireland with rolling hills and sudden jagged peaks near the waters edge, it was beautiful. Jason and I spent many days on that farm. So now you have a little better idea of a back round as I headed into freshman year. I’m spending more time at my moms. My dad and I are getting more distant. My mother is telling lies about her relationship with my dad and her feelings towards men and I was just trying to keep the balance. I had to blame someone for the divorce, for all the bullshit that my sister, brother, and I endured and for some reason at the time I started BLAMING MY DAD. The universe felt like it was shifting. Finally freshman year had arrived and I was scared as hell but excited as well. One reason why I was nervous was that Chris and Jason were going to the public school so it was back to the drawing board. The second reason why I was scared was because I was fresh meat. That means I was a boy and a freshman so I didn’t stand a chance. The freshman girls at least had something to offer… (Punanny people come on pay attention) but we were screwed. I got my ass kicked on the first day, as well as I got a solid apple hurled at my head in the cafeteria by a senior. Even though my sister had graduated it looked like she made a few silly friends during her high school career. They said LA LA made their life hell and now it was my turn. I told them they didn’t know what hell was and to bring it on. One thing for certain about old Kevo by this time was that I had no problem getting physical. I had been working on a farm, as well as getting my ass kicked my whole life so soon people left me alone. As a matter of fact, they thought I was a drug addict. Mostly because of the dark circles under my eyes but my slouched posture didn’t help. (Goddamn Jelly ball) I had never even tried drugs by this time. As a matter of fact I was highly against drugs, and more interested in sports then anything else. But everyone carried on about how I was some drug addict. I played football, hockey, and baseball my freshman year. I also ran the newspaper and started getting interested in drama but I guess I was doing H-bomb on the side….. Dumb fuckers. To be honest I can’t believe I even craved the stage. The first time I was on the stage was when I was nine. We were doing a Christmas recital and the curtains were about to open. I had decided to pop a cinnamon candy in my mouth about 15 seconds before curtain call and started choking. My teacher must have noticed I was turning blue and began to run towards me awhile the curtains opened. As the audience got ready to enjoy the little drummer boy, sitting pretty in there best Christmas clothes I was getting the Hymlik from sister Ann as I proceeded to hurle all over the front row. The second stage trauma was during a ballet recital. HOLD ON HOLD ON let me explain myself geeeze. The reason I decided to join ballet was because Mandy Schultz was the main girl and in the recital I would be able to lift her up. What I didn’t know was the teacher was from Russia. Her name was Mrs. Stein and she was the toughest frosty top you ever saw. Anyway on the night of the recital I forgot to wear my underwear under my tights. When I went on stage to do a lay plea which is kina like a squat my tights ripped in the crotch. I remember my mom coming to the front of the stage saying, “They’re not laughing at you baby!” as my little Minnie man pathetically tried to scrunch back into my black tights. But I still loved the stage and still do, especially acting. Ok back to high school, the first group of friends I made were of course considered a little crazy, a little wild but I just couldn’t relate to the kid with a solid family that had been living in the same house since they were born, so I stuck with my pack. I was very social and had many friends but outside of school friends were more specific. Billy Babb, Jason Budd, and Jason Haynes were some of my closest friends. By middle freshman year we were all drinking together as well as smoking and chasing GIRLS. We all played sports but liked the arts as well and we all came from tough homes. That is except for Jason Budd, his parents were together and wonderful. They played a big part in my upbringing. So how did Bud fit in the group? Well he introduced me to pot of course. The beginning of my long love hate relationship with mind-altering substances, some earthly some not. I’ll go more into that later. As for now we were just trying to get through our freshman year. We were the scum of the pond and we did the best we could. Studies were okay; I always liked English and Science. Math was always hell what a surprise! About this same time my dad had started dating again. Little dinners here and there but he gave it a try. We were not as close as we used to be but not really bad off. The house was always full of the hockey team or the football team. My dad said he would rather have them at the house than somewhere else so our pad was the stomping ground. The neighbors called the house a fraternity. Anyway, one day my dad brings over this really nice lady, Linda Austin. He’s walking her up the stairs into the living room when they notice Jason Stone (Boner) stuck in the wall. One of the football players had actually picked him up and threw him into the wall. It was like a Tom and Jerry show. I can’t imagine what Linda was thinking but they started dating regularly nonetheless. Before Linda as you might imagine my dad was pretty bitter. He had a very rough divorce and was a scorn man. Linda was just what he needed. Number 1 funny enough was she was a therapist, but she also was very warm, and kind. She really helped him resolve a lot of his anger issues. At least when they were together. I started liking school, Linda and I got a long very well and it seemed things were starting to smooth out. My sister was doing well in college and I was very good at sports so the alumni liked me so it was all good. Now there had been smaller incidents in my life where I was able to use my experiences to help my friends but the next lesson really set me on the path I'm on now. Up until high school most of the crazy things were happening to me! Or I was so young the only problems that I really thought existed were my own. To be fair to myself a lot of kids hadn't gone through what I did but my good friend Jenny Lundergin was about  to go through much worse. As I said before we lived in a small community. It was the early nineties and many many people were very cruel. Jenny and I had been good friends since we were in 6th grade. She was Jason Stones first girlfriend, and was a friend of the family for years. Her brother Brian graduated with my sister. As my sister went off to St Michel’s in Burlington Vermont, Brian Jenny’s brother went to Boston to pursue the arts. My sister and Brian became friends in high school Drama. They did a piece of Phantom Of The Opera that people are still talking about today. Anyway while Brian was in Boston he realized like my mother or maybe not like my mother that he was gay? He had lovers and he didn't take the precautions. He had a double life and hid his sexuality. One week Brian came home to visit Jenny as well as the rest of his family and he came down with a terrible flu. The flu turned into pneumonia and it looked as though he was just deteriating rapidly. Soon it got serious and the doctors ran some more advanced tests. It turned out Brian had AIDS. Not only did Brian have AIDS but also he had gotten AIDS as a gay man. Jenny and I would sit together in class and talk. She would give me a play by play as he disintegrated into the disease and all I could do was hold her and tell her it was going to be OK. But it wasn’t going to be ok and we both knew it. The worst part about this situation was that the community was berating Jenny and her family for Brian being homosexual. They were making fun of Jenny while her brother lay sick at home, and it changed my life forever. Brian died within a year of his diagnosis and we lost a beautiful person that day. Mrs. Bagley the drama teacher built a new stage at the school and before Brian's death  she asked him if he could come see it. This was about two weeks before he passed. When he got to the school she told him that she was dedicating the new stage as well as the new theater in his name. He was deeply moved and this proved to me the kind of people I wanted to be around. People who actually cared, people who didn't follow the cruel destructive crowds of normal society. Mrs. Bagley didn't care what people thought; she didn't care if she lost her job. All she cared about was saying good buy to a good friend. It changed my life forever. Jenny and I stayed good friends throughout high school but lost touch when I moved away. Things never really went back to normal after Brian died but the change was just an add-on to my character. I was proud to be able to help Jenny with at least the gay issues her family was dealing with. Soon there were tryouts for Drama and I was ready. The play was called Rotillio Grande. It was about the assassination of a Venezuelan priest. The first day I entered the room and saw Mrs. Bagley and all the other actors I knew this was for me. It just felt a certain way, like when I walked into music stores or the smell of new books. Some people I knew in the class but most I didn't. The first thing Mrs. Bagley said to me as I started goofing off on stage was “There are no small parts only small actors” I took this saying with me from then on. To me it meant no matter how minimal you think your part is, Its just as important as all of the other parts because only together is everyone whole so you must go 100% every time. The students in class seemed to be more positive.They were colorful and animated. I really liked the vibe, and felt like maybe- just maybe I was starting to fit in somewhere. As school got better my home life got worse. Even though Linda and I were close my dad and Linda weren't doing so well. Soon they broke up and my dad became madder then ever. He was going through some shit and I was too young to understand. I was also too selfish to care. With Linda gone, my dad and I really started to get into fights. My mother was filling me with a whole bunch of crap, Linda was gone which pissed us both off, and my friend just lost her brother. None of these happy bonuses were a good combination for us and the third one put us all over the edge. My dad had been working for Vermont National Bank. It was the job that got us all out of Woodstock, and I was grateful. It also paid for everything because my mom did not help financially. In fact my dad paid alimony and had all three kids! So what happened? They laid my father off. Now he had no job, no girl, no wife, it was bad. Soon he was just pacing around the house and he seemed too busy to even get out of his robe. Friends came over to tell us that he had had a mental breakdown and it would take some time for him to become normal again. The only sickness I knew of was physical, I had never heard of breakdowns, or mental illness, or any of that, so this was very hard for me to understand. All I knew was he was in bad shape and they took him to a hospital. I remember the doctors telling us that if we hold onto the pain that was in our insides emotionally we could get very sick. I thought this was crazy talk but knew that if it was true I was in some deep shit! It took a very long time for my dad to get back to the way he was. I don't think the job alone put him over the edge. It was just the last straw. Around this same time I noticed that my dad was hanging around with this colleague of his. I had known her for a long time and was really close with her husband Doug. We use to all go over to Doug’s house and go swimming, play ball stuff like that. Anyway the women’s name was Sandy, and it turns out my dad and Sandy had a sick old person romance going on. You know like a “lets do it behind our friend Doug’s” back kinda thing. I didn't understand when I was young but I did know that something was not cool at all. It reminded me of my excursion with Linda Mayer which led to me getting my ass kicked. It started off as a Chinese torture trickle. First she was on vacation with us, and then I noticed her hanging around the house. I kept thinking what the hell is Sandy doing here without Doug? Soon I found out what was going down literally! Doug and Sandy were separating and my dad was moving in for the kill, well kind of. He was more like a distraught wounded deer being taunted by a 36-year-old hottie. She grabbed onto him like the parasites that climbed up my but in Bougen Villa-- it was dominatrix’s at its best. At the time Sandy seemed fine, we got along ok, and she seemed to be nice to my dad. I had forgotten my ancient wisdom ways of the pheromones, the same lethal combination that brought my mom and dad together. Once the concubine had permission to enter the dwelling the true monster would emerge. I finally remember Sandy asking all of us what we thought about her moving in. She was still putting on her pre vampire fakeness so I was all in. Soon she was at the house and it seemed again like things were maybe getting back to normal. Laura would come to visit from school, my brother was a senior and on his way to Clarkson University, and I was very into drama as well as sports. One day I was hanging around the house thinking no one was home when I heard Sandy having a conversation with somebody on the phone. As I came around the corner I heard her say that once she got rid of all the kids the house would be hers. I knew from that point on that she was dangerous and I prepared for the worst. First the fights started with my sister. She would come home from college and Sandy would get in her face. We would go to my dad but his response was that he had no job and she was helping with the bills. Soon Laura stopped coming home at all, and Brian became the target. First he was eating too much, then he was around too much, and I could see the pattern. We were totally screwed and my dad was under the 36 year old punnanni mind warp. The day my brother finally left for school was very emotional for me. He had been my big bro for my whole life and even though he kicked the shit out of me, I was going to miss him very much! It seemed like everything was changing so quickly. Nothing was sacred. Not marriage, not family. I was very hurt and didn't know were to turn. Winter came around and I was starting to really get depressed. My sickness developed into a very strong case of Hypochondria. Not the average fear of dying, or once in a while thinking you had a disease but serious OCD Hypochondria. I had sores on my neck, and in my mouth  from feeling for bumps. I didn’t wash myself because I thought I would discover a bump while applying soap. I thought I was dying every day and I was going crazy. For some reason and I still don't remember why, Jason Budd one of my only close friends asked me to go ice-skating one day out of the blue. For some reason I went for it because I knew he was trying to make me feel better. We ended up going to an outside rink in a small town called Proctor. After skating for a while a kid came up to me with a very weird haircut. It was just long bangs in the front and he called it a devils lock. I didn’t give a shit what he called it I just wanted him get out of my face. He said I was skating to close to his girl and instantly I was ready to kick ass. This would have been a very dangerous situation because I was really unstable at this point and had no problem defending myself. But like a guardian angel another boy came over to try to cool things down. Out of nowhere He asked me if I could sing. I didn't write about this before but I could sing, I practiced everyday in the mirror like some kinda idiot. I said yes, and a big smile came over both of their faces. I swear they both looked like the Grinch looking at me with their giant winter hats drooped to the side. They said there names were Trevor, and Sean and they had a band. I couldn't believe my ears. They said they wanted to me to try out next week. The Budd man was really excited for me; he was a huge music lover and promised he would get me ready for the tryout. I went over to Budds that whole week learning the cover songs and trying to emulate the singers. At first I really didn't like the music. It was different then I was used to but it didn’t take long before I couldn’t get enough. As I read about the bands I realized that they were exactly like me. The singers had broken homes, bouts of depression, and serous things that had happened in their lives. To be honest it kind of scared the shit out of me. It fit into place all too well and I hoped destiny wouldn’t lead to disaster. Within seven days I was ready for my tryouts and I'll never forget the day. A guy named Jon picked up Budd and me at the McDonalds around the corner from my house. He was Trevor's cousin, and the guitar player. It was snowing as usual and the roads were pretty slick so I was nervous. Once again Sean and Trevor were smiling at me wild eyed and crazy. I remember thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with these guys?” I almost didn't get in the car that’s how unstable these two looked. I had never taken any drugs and these guys looked whacked! But I said fuck it and got in. Budd jumped in on the other side and WE WERE Off. First thing I had noticed was the radio was playing classical music. Then I noticed that Trevor and Sean were all sitting like schoolboys. I remember thinking “what the hell has gotten into these guys? And then they busted out laughing and hitting each other like little girls. It didn't take long for me to realize that these were good guys. Both had come from broken homes and life was hard, we were peas in a pod. My audition sucked really badly, but the guys said I would get better. They said my voice was good but I just needed to loosen up. Sometimes I would just sit back and watch them play, or wrestle Buudd man as he tried to rap on the mic. Bud knew every lyric to every song known to man but had the voice of a screeching owel or the seagull in Little Mermaid (Oh stop bullshitting! We all saw it) so it was terrible when he got a hold of the mic. Sean and Trevor had already been playing together for about 3 years and they practiced everyday. They were incredible musicians. Both could have gotten scholarships and were far better then any adult in the area…. it was awesome! And not only that, my Sickness started to dissipate. I stopped worrying as much about disease, and dying, and I started to feel really good in the mornings. It didn’t take long for me to realize music may be what saves my life. Now the next phase in my life is in no way written to endorse drugs. Not legal or illegal. “You little pill poppers! This is just what happened in my life. I do not recommend anyone doing drugs ever! Budd was not only one of my only friends but I soon realized he was a pothead. At first I was really upset with him, and I would go to his locker and bitch him out. He was a very softhearted guy and this would make him really upset. One day we were all hanging out with a new guy Dave Murdock. I met Dave through Trevor and Sean so inevitably we all started to hang. Anyway Dave and Budd decide to light a joint in the car and I went for it. My novel excuse was that everybody already thought I was doing drugs so I mine as well start. It did nothing to me at first so I thought it was just a hoax. A few days later I tried again but still nothing. Maybe I was immune to pot? What a thing to be immune to! Dave was determined stoner and gave me a little bag. He told me to take a hit once in a while because sometimes it takes a few tries. Well I smoked and smoked like a damn Cheeba in the woods but got nothing. I had one bowl left and Dave and I were hanging out behind the Proctor Library. I remember saying “well I guess I'll pack this last bowl,” Thinking that after that I wouldn't try this bull crap again. I took one huge puff and held it in and Dave did the same. Soon some thing happened I couldn’t describe it. I felt like I had a hat on. Like a big furry hat tight around my forehead. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something was definitely different. I looked over at Dave and we both fell to the ground laughing for hours it was a beautiful experience. The next day something triggered in me that really wasn't there before. I mean my mind was always creative but this was different, I started looking at things more clearly, which made me act out on my beliefs. I finally think I know how to explain it. You see I already had a premonition that the world was all backwards. The poor seemed to be the kindest. Jason Stone and Chris Smyrski were supposed to be the scumbags. My mom was being destroyed because she loved someone. But now after taking Pot which is actually a hallucinogen not a downer  it all became very clear and once I knew for sure I pushed the limits all the way. Budd said I changed overnight but it was always inside me. As the band kept practicing, Penny and I kept getting closer and my dad and I were falling a part. He was now fully consumed by Sandy the dark lord and it just kept getting worse. This made me get really wild! I started growing my hair long, and I pierced my nipple (Don’t try it trust me”) I always had dirty clothes on because I had been doing my own laundry since 3rd grade and now I was getting defiant. As I told you before my father was brought up the old school way. If you stepped out of line you were going to get it  except now I was bigger and our fights became more heated and violent. As this was happening I was seeing how the state and the country were dealing with Gays when it came to AIDS and soon I was all unbalanced again. I was smoking weed maybe twice a week and drinking on the weekends but I still was playing sports as well as drama so I hadn't gone down the tunnel yet! Around this same time around THE END OF MY SOPHMORE YEAR I met a girl named Lisa Dicer. Lisa was very similar to me in that she lived with one parent but was by herself all the time. I was never attracted to her physically but mentally she was the world! She had such amazing abstract thoughts and a no rules policy. You could think, paint, dance, scream it didn't matter who cares. Love life and be yourself. She read me a poem called making love to nature. I had never thought in such abstract terms. Nature being a women, things having energy, she was so beautiful and colorful. We were very close and then she moved away I never saw her again but I think about her often. Music was one of her main things. She liked punk and really way out bands that at the time I had never heard of. The stooges, the violent femmes the cure, The Damned, the Cramps and many many others. The punk just made me sick when I first heard it, but the melancholy stuff really took a hold of me. I had been fooling around with the guitar for a little while now because of the great rock and roll swindle so I was writing a bit, as well as going to practice everyday. I started to smoke pot more drinking more you get the picture. School said that my hair was too long so I grew my bangs instead, I just didn't care. I felt like the teachers didn't believe in what they were teaching and that almost everyone else was a fucking idiot. A herd asking no questions just walking aimlessly into the slaughterhouse. Thank God for music and my band during this time because it could have been much worse. This is why you don't talk about your ex in front of your children. It effects them because they are not old enough to make there own decisions so they HAVE TO CHOOSE AND ITS SUICIDAL. One day we were all hanging out at the practice spot and Trevor came in holding a piece of paper. He said he had our first gig. I grabbed the paper and couldn't believe it. There was a talent show and it was at my school. I was ready, just as I was getting grungier and grungier alternative bands came out. Grunge was the thing to be and luckily enough I was already dirty! Any way we get to the show with an arsenal of great material. Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, everything that was just starting to take notice. There were a lot of people in the crowd and I should have been nervous but I just fell into the part and it felt good. As Bob Marley says ‘when the music hits you you feel no pain”. It was better then anything I had ever felt before and I was in love. Soon the whole crowd started rushing the stage really going crazy. I was worried that they thought these were our songs and the Motley Crue scam was finally coming back at me. But then I saw a few kids singing the words and I stopped panicking. Music just made people go wild. Like some kind of mystical spell or something. We were really good and I was happy. This was the first time I had gone off stage. People were rushing towards me wanting to talk and hang out. Girl’s even one's that were just friends were looking at me a little crazy. I started feeling overwhelmed. I started scanning the room for my band. Soon I saw Trevor looking right at me. He had a shit-eating grin on his face and I knew that he loved it. Trev didn't care who got the attention. As long as there was a reaction he didn’t care. He also knew what a hard time I had been having and he actually cared about me, we were becoming brothers.