The root cause of invisibility: intergenerational trauma ????
Hey, {{ subscriber.first_name }}! The psychology of online presence is taking a deep plunge this week, with the realization brought by a huge fight with my parents: ultimately, the struggle to start, maintain, and innovate your very own unique personal brand, stems from intergenerational trauma. Let's dive right in ????
?? ANNOUNCEMENT ?? Starting next week, the newsletter will be published still on Wednesdays, but at 3 pm CEST (German time)! This is to also take the readers in the Americas into consideration ??
Personal story
My parents came to Germany a week ago; it's their first visit to this country I call home.
I felt quite nervous before they arrived. After all, we haven't seen each other for a while, and now in a completely new environment and a new setup. I'm suddenly the host, showing them around, familiar with all the rules and customs; they're suddenly looking around at all these foreign words, trying to do groceries among all the foreign products, and dragging their suitcases taken around by me.
New experiences come with new questions, new discoveries, and new dynamics. For many years I took my relationship with my parents for granted, since they're always happy for me to live wherever I want, do whatever I want, and date whoever I want. Since I started therapy and coaching 6+ years ago, the relationship with my parents was never at the forefront of my self-work - it just looked less acute than the relationship with my boyfriend, and less exciting than career and business.
But in the past week, I saw that there was so much. SO MUCH from my childhood memories that affect me until today. So much they had no idea of from a psychology perspective, that I now know very well because of years in therapy and coaching. So much we have not spoken about openly, but I thought it was about damn time that we open it up, even if it means temporary discomfort - but in my perspective, long-term growth and trust.
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My first attempt at it was shouted at by my father.
“Why do you have to bring it up??? We were so looking forward to visiting Germany. And now you don’t make it nice for us! Do you want us to book a flight and leave immediately?”
I was so familiar with such behavior, since I grew up seeing him shouting at my mother. As a child, I was helpless and could only call my grandparents to come to rescue. As an adult, I shouted back.
“What do you mean? Am I wrong for just saying stuff? Don’t think you can tell me what is right to do! Don’t tell me I should just stop saying things to ‘make it feel harmonious’ for you! Talking about things and going through discomfort is way better than shutting up just for peace!“
My mother was crying on the side. “I have made all of this food for you! And nobody is eating now. Can anyone be considerate of my feelings? Can you just all shut up and eat my food first?”
I refused. My father and I shouted at each other for a few more minutes. I ended up eating while crying and shaking and speed-typing everything to my boyfriend. My father turned to scroll his phone on the couch with a frozen face. I left after I finished the food, and told them that in Germany, it's illegal to scream at each other after 10 pm. ??
Personal development
My problem with this whole conversation was not even that we had disagreements, or that discussing touchy and reflective topics is difficult.
My problem is that I was literally told to shut up.
Or else, I was not "upholding family harmony", "making the much looked-forward visit nice", or "considering the feelings of a woman who just cooked for her family".
But was I intentionally making them feel bad? Hell no! It didn't even cross my mind. I just wanted to say things and express myself, with no intention to harm others. But it was obviously triggering to both my parents enough, that they were like "You CANNOT bring up sensitive topics - whether sensitive or not, it's at our discretion - while eating, which is also a timing at our discretion".
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As of now, things are calm with my parents. My father apologized for shouting at me. My mother said look, your father had an even hotter temper when he was your age. We went out a few times, I ate at theirs a few times. They met some of my friends, everyone liked each other.
But in my opinion, this big fight had to happen. It was needed to release the energy in the old and new dynamics, and to learn about each other again in a new country.
Plus, it is a big realization for my work in personal branding. The problems I often encounter in my coaching, are 1) not having a personal brand, 2) having a personal brand but not being authentic, and 3) being authentic but not being revolutionary. I see now clearly the root cause of all these problems: intergenerational trauma.
Personal branding
When we were just born, we cried out loud, to announce our existence to the world.
That's our first time expressing ourselves!
We were born wanting and knowing how to self-express. We needed to self-express to survive, when we needed food, water, or attention from our caregivers. We wanted to self-express to create and enjoy, which is the driving force of art, science, and philosophy: not dire survival needs, but desire for fun.
But in our childhood, we're often conditioned in one way or another to shut up.
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Reasons vary. In our parents' generation, most people have never been to therapy. They did not attend a course or get a certification before they became parents ??. They had kids because the majority of the people around them did. And therefore, they wanted us to be like the "majority", or their idea of what is "good", or things they didn't have when they were kids...
Personal experiences. Culture. Religion. All of these spill into how we were raised: Maybe shutting up is better than speaking up. Maybe saying what other people want you to say is better than what you actually want to say.
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My father grew up in a chaotic household. Therefore all that he wanted for his own family was "harmony".
My mother was brought up by parents who often didn't respect her boundaries. Therefore her own interpretation of "boundaries" was distorted.
Born naturally introverted, I was often praised for being quiet. But when I was playing in the mud and got my hands dirty, I was escorted away by my grandparents, and criticized for bringing too much hassle. I got a whole lot of attention for being smart and aceing the best grades, but had my diary opened by my mother, because whatever secrets in the diary could distract me from studying.
I stopped writing diaries when I was 15, and practically stopped writing until 27.
I learned very well that I was loved because of some things that I did, certainly not all things - and not because of who I am either, but because of some "persona" I played well in. I went on to put all my energy into professional achievements, barely had other hobbies, and barely had friends.
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This is the root cause of invisibility, or visibility but through people-pleasing.
If you have been shamed at an early age for saying what you wanted to say, you probably have learned to just shut up to make your life easier.
If you have been told that other people's feelings were dependent on your behaviors, you probably learned to guess how other people might feel - and then change your own behavior, so that you get other people's feedback to your optimal benefit.
So now if you ask me, why I stopped writing for 12 years until I HAD to show up for my business 1,5 years ago, even though I loved writing since I was 6?
If you ask me, why I meet so many people who knew they needed to start a personal brand, but just felt cringe at the thought of making any post?
If you ask me, why people with way more followers than myself come to me, to tell me how they feel they already know me, ask how I write content, and find out that even after years on social media, they still struggle to talk about all that they want in whichever way that they want?
We were conditioned to stay invisible to be safe.
This conditioning is not even yours: it started so many generations ago, and your ancestors had to work through it or reinforce it with their own knowing - and whatever that's passed on to you, was done when you were a child who couldn't even give consent.
But now you're an adult who has full awareness and responsibility to see what's yours, choose what you want, and say no to what you don't want.
Now that you know the root cause. Are you ready to do the work? (I show you how to do the work in the newsletter next week ??)
How about you?
Is your online presence affected by your childhood trauma?
Very much ?? To some extent ?? Maybe ?? Not really ?? Not at all
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Last week's poll results:
Your post got 3 likes. Will you still post tomorrow? ??
100% YES ?? Likely, but maybe I adjust my content ?? Not sure ?? Likely not, but if I have content in stock I might ?? No way
(Good job, everyone!)
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Thank you for reading! See you next week - we'll discuss how to work on the root cause - at 3 pm CEST on Wednesday ??