The room should be grateful for me too | A lesson in taking up space

Remember our previous conversation about how "my whole self can be a lot" (see: Choosing authenticity instead of settling for assimilation accelerated my success )? As I prepare for my year-end performance review and summon the confidence to write about all the things I've contributed to boldly, I am reminded of a time when all of me was asked to speak on a panel about owning your career for MBA candidates. When asked to share a lesson that I wish I had learned earlier in my career the phrase, "The room should be grateful for me too.", rolled off my tongue effortlessly, as if I had believed it my entire life. That's about as far from the truth as the east is from the west.? In fact, as I heard the words hang in the air after my statement, I was uncomfortable with the boldness of it and how arrogant it sounded. But why? When I show up to a client meeting or an internal event, I am a prepared contributor. I consistently hit my performance targets, coach and mentor others, and sign up to contribute to our internal endeavors to make the organization a better place. Why shouldn't the organization want me on their team? More importantly, why do I feel guilty for wanting to be valued? There is probably a long answer to that question rooted in being the chubby kid who was always picked last for kickball and other unpleasant childhood memories alongside higher-ed and workplace microaggressions accumulated along the way that would be a great explanation as to why Imposter Syndrome continues to peek over my shoulder and often manifest as gratitude for an opportunity without expectation of reciprocation. However, I don't have the time or the qualifications to unpack all of that. So here's what I know about owning your identity in every room you enter and expecting gratitude for your contributions.

Everything including but not limited to our upbringing, popular culture, faith, relationships and much more have an impact on how we show up in the world and for ourselves. I grew up black, female, chubby, Christian, and middle class in New Orleans during the 90s and early 2000s. It would take months to unpack all the ways in which my experiences shaped the woman that I am today, but for our purposes today it is enough to know that I don't always see greatness or beauty reflected back at me when I look in the mirror and that my leadership style is that of a servant leader. My natural workplace inclination to be the peacemaker and avoid mistakes of any kind added to long-standing, constantly fueled concerns about the scarcity of opportunity, can create an interesting set of responses when it comes to negotiating the terms of my future success.

Let me start by saying that I am in fact grateful for every opportunity, experience, and encounter that I have had. Each and every person that I have met, place that have been, or thing that I have had access to has created an experience that informed who I am and will continue to evolve into for better or for worse. I also believe that the attitude of gratitude is one of the things that continues to open doors for me.? Historically, if a door or window was open, I was running through it full speed in fear that it would close and my opportunity to *insert life changing achievement here* would be gone forever. As soon as I made it into the new room, I was sure to make sure everyone present knew how grateful I was that they had made space for me, even if not at the table, and then proceeded to sit quietly in the corner, observing, learning, waiting my turn, careful not to do or say too much. After all, I couldn't risk upsetting the current balance of the room or established processes. The process worked for me. At least for a season. I learned a phenomenal amount just by being in the room. However, in hindsight, I can see that there are many rooms that I stayed in too long and some that I probably should have never entered in the first place. Under this MO I wasn't accretive, I was decorative.

It's not often that I can reflect and pinpoint the exact moment a behavior started, but in this case I can. In my first public health role, I was invited to participate in a meeting with my boss/mentor. I was an entry level employee, in what was a pretty flat organization. Our leader asked for suggestions in the meeting on how to approach a task, I listened, took notes, and even offered a well-received suggestion of my own. I was proud of myself for contributing in that meeting. In our weekly one-on-one, I was told that I should avoid speaking up so much in meetings because I didn't want to be perceived as a "know-it-all". That moment left an impact, and there have been many lessons learned from it since then. I repeat I am grateful for it and the leader that provided it. It sparked the a years-long journey of learning which advice to take at face value and what advice to filter through for useful information. I would later be able to reflect on it and dissect the influences that led this leader to make that comment and why though it may have been helpful to someone, it wasn't the right advice for me. Ability to contribute value is not based on tenure or seniority, it is a function of knowledge, awareness, and capability all of which should continue to grow alongside seniority but not always at a directly proportional rate. As a result, I only build teams with people who can contribute value, regardless of their tenure and/or rank.

At this stage in my career, I am still sniffing out opportunity and fortunate enough to be around amazing leaders who seem to create them for me out of thin air. I still often find myself to be the least senior person in the room. However, I have learned that I am a valuable contributor to my teams in every stage despite that previous coaching. Because I have taken the time to unpack that advice, work with professional coaches, and learn from strong confident leaders how to articulate my impact, I take a moment to look around before barging through a door or leaping through the nearest open window.

My statement is not one of arrogance, but one of awareness. Gratitude from the room is not about constant praise or public recognition. My expectation of gratitude is my personal expectation to be respected as a professional, compensated fairly for my time, and given adequate resources to perform the task at hand. These sound like simple asks and they are. They should be things that come with every opportunity, yet somehow women on average earn 84 cents on the dollar when compared to men in 2024, with black women earning even less. Add to that the fact that phenomenon like the glass cliff have been persisted for over 2 decades and you can start to see why intentional expectation is necessary.

I've been honest with you all this far and that won't change here. I wish I could say that I had never compromised on these three principles, but that isn't the case. The expectation of reciprocated gratitude is a relatively new tool for me. Everything in life has a cost, nothing comes for free. My expectation of gratitude is not a demand list but a resolve to intentionally decide what terms I am willing to accept and not simply take whatever is thrown my way.? No one will ever be able to pay me what I am worth. I, as a human being am priceless (so are you). However, there is an amount of money that we can agree is fair for the service that I am being asked to provide. No one team or organization is perfect but an organizational culture of respect, integrity, and accountability doesn't seem like an exorbitant expectation for a working environment. Funding and resources are always limited; however, expecting a dedication of resources (finances, talent, political capital, etc.) commensurate with the communicated level of priority and anticipated impact seem within the realm of reason. So when I say that I expect gratitude from the room for the efforts that I contribute, what I mean is that I am willing to evaluate an opportunity and even say, "I appreciate the offer, but I respectfully decline.", if I don't think that we fit well together. My decline does not diminish the gratitude that I have for the opportunity. Even in saying no, I am still honored that I was a part of the consideration and invited to participate. However, I have learned that communicating gratitude can happen through both an enthusiastic acceptance accompanied by exceptional performance and a gracious and thoughtful decline. Since I have chosen to prioritize performance over simply being in the room (aka proximity) I need to take the time to ask the questions that will reveal the true nature of a situation.

This concept has gone through many phases for me. There was a period where I was more arrogant that I would like to admit, several phases where I only wanted to exist in the shadows and everything in between. It has taken many years to come to terms with the fact that I may not be everyone's cup of tea and that is ok. For example, there is probably someone reading this right now who doesn't enjoy red velvet cupcakes. While I will never understand your choice, I will still respect it. I am finally ok with being red velvet, or even escargot. Loved and highly preferred by some but not of interest to others. My goal is to show up authentically and lead loudly in every space that I enter. Not every space will allow or appreciate that. That is ok, it simply means that those spaces and I are not compatible. I am grateful that those spaces exist for people who prefer not to be a part of the kind of culture that is conducive to ideas bubbling over and constant change, because it makes room for those of us who want that to create it in a safe space.?? There are circumstances and situations that make desirable outcomes inevitable and those that make it nearly impossible and everything on the spectrum in between. Taking the time to know which is on the other side of the door, gives me the opportunity to decide if it is in fact a room that I am willing to enter, specifically one with mutual excitement for what we can accomplish together.

I often reflect on who might be watching when I make choices. Not from the perspective of what authorities may be looking over my shoulder, but from the perspective of what impressionable minds have their sights trained on the example that I am setting. Being a role model isn't really a choice. People, of any age, will decide on their own if you are worthy of emulating and when they do, whether you are intentional about setting an example or not, it will have an impact on them. In my case, I have living, breathing, visual reminders that there is someone coming behind me who is directly impacted by my decisions. In addition to the hungry young human you here about frequently, over 1300 miles away there is another little human who is a spitting image of me. She looks more like me than anyone I've ever met and despite never having lived closer than 600 miles away, she is a mirror of my mannerisms, speech patterns, and attitudes. She's my niece, my mini, a spitting image of me and yet so much of her own person at the same time. I admire her fearlessness the most. She believes in her abilities and never backs down from a challenge. Unfortunately, I know that life experiences have a way of smothering that fire. My niece inspires me more than she will likely every understand.? Her big heart and fearless personality, remind me daily of all that can be accomplished when fear is kept in its rightful place. It is a lesson that I have continued to learn the hard way.? My prayer for her is that she never loses the courage to be unapologetically great, because I honestly I need the reminder. Here's to being confidently capable of tackling the week ahead. Until next week, love hard, live well, and be great!