Romance Scams Are as Addicting as Heroin

On this Valentine’s Day, I want to talk about something that is not so romantic – romance scams. Starting a few years ago, I wrote a few articles on romance scams and how to fight them, including:

·        https://www.csoonline.com/article/3400082/how-to-stick-it-to-linkedin-romance-scammers.html

·        https://www.csoonline.com/article/3327129/security/how-to-end-a-romance-scam.html

·        https://www.csoonline.com/article/3254984/cyber-attacks-espionage/how-to-prove-and-fight-online-dating-and-romance-scams.html

Many friends and family members of romance scam victims have read those articles and sent me emails asking for help. The average victim that contacted me had lost well over $100,000. These aren’t all well-off, rich people. Many are normal, average people of limited income who were tricked into sending everything they had, then selling their house, sending that money, and then taking out more loans, to the point that the victim is destitute, and the scammer just wants more. The victims have often cut off access to friends, family, and the people that love them the most. They have sold their art, cars, and even stolen money from friends. I’ve come to believe that the emotional void that these romance scammers take advantage of is as strong as heroin.

I have been involved with many cases where I was able to prove to the victim that the person who is claiming to be in love with them is not who they say they are. I have found the pictures of the real person the scammer has copied the scam pictures from and proven to the victim that the scammer they are interfacing with is not that person. I have proven that the scammer has a different name and is a different person than they said they were. And…it has never changed a thing. The scammer is ready for this reveal and they simply change tactics. They say they had to lie because of some other reason, such as their current evil wife will take all their money or their dad will not let them inherit the family fortune, or whatever…and the victim stays entrenched in the scam.

Granted, I’m only hearing about the worst cases, but I’ve only known one victim who didn’t absolutely lose everything. And that courageous, strong woman and her daughter made her experience into a great podcast called Fool Me Twice (https://www.foolmetwicepod.com/). She actually met her scammer in person and got physically beaten before she was able to barely escape with her life. It’s a must listen if you want to get into the psyche of the victim and what they were thinking. They even have a great quiz that anyone who thinks they may be in a romance scam can take. It’s pretty spot on regarding the signs and symptoms of romance scams. I can’t recommend the podcast enough if you have the time to listen to it and just take the quiz, even if you aren’t being romance scammed. It’s a great security awareness tool. It’s possibly the best security awareness tool for romance scams I’ve come across.

Romance Scam Defenses

I’ve got good news and bad news. I’ll start with the bad news first. If your loved one is deep into a romance scam, I’m not sure there is much you can do. I used to think that if you got heavily involved and showed them the facts…including that a true loved one would not be asking for money before you met them in person and that any normal relationship would develop into a talking conversation and actually meeting in person (instead of all the prematurely interrupted trips that never lead to anything). But it doesn’t work. I’ve never met a person who when I told them the facts or proved that their relationship was based on verifiable lies that actually broke out of the romance scam relationship. I’m sure there are people who do, but I’ve just never met them.

A few years ago, I had a woman write me to ask if I thought Yanni, the famous musician was in love with her. She said that her and Yanni had been carrying on a hot love affair for many months, although they had never spoken. You see, Yanni was wanting to end his marriage to his evil wife, Linda Evans. And Evans suspected something was up, and had her husband, Yanni, constantly followed and watched over. He couldn’t even use his cell phone unmonitored. But if this woman sent him money, he could free up his charity money…many millions of dollars, and break free of Linda Evans, end his marriage, and finally get up with his one, true love – the romance scam victim. “Yanni” had even written her a romantic song. Never mind that the lyrics were nothing like Yanni’s other 200 songs. She was in love and "Yanni" was in love with her. When I mentioned that Linda Evans and Yanni had broken up in 1998 and never married, this did not phase her. Yep, Yanni was telling her he needed to divorce a wife that he never married, and this had no impact on her warped reality.

 I’ve heard from a woman whose older mother attempted to have her arrested because she would not let her send multiple gift cards to her multi-year lover who she had never met. This woman and her brother had successfully taken over their mother’s finances to prevent her from sending more money to the romance scammers after being taken for many hundreds of thousands of dollars. You would think that would fix the problem, but the mother just borrowed money from friends and family, which she sent to the scammer.

Intelligence is not an indicator of whether someone will become a victim. Many of these people have high IQs and have been greatly successful in life, both financially and in raising a family. The common thread is that the victim has been lonely for a lot of years and badly wants to hear sweet nothings and feel loved again. The need to have someone say they "I love you" and are greatly attracted to them and that they trust them more than anyone in the world…it’s emotional heroin.

 The romance scammers will try to get the victims to send compromising photos of themselves or ask the victim to reveal something they have never revealed to anyone else. It could be that the victim stole money when they were young, hurt someone, did something bad to someone close to them who does not yet know, or had an affair that would shock the whole family. Whatever the say, that information that is so incriminating that they have never shared it with anyone else. And it will be used against them if the person ends the romance and doesn’t want to send anymore money. The scammer does not care what they need to do to get more money. They don’t care what bad things befall the victim, or where the victim ends up. They are simply people without a conscience.

So, what is a defense? What works? Education. If you see signs that your loved one is participating in online dating or starting online romances, you need to educate them about the signs of a romance scam before they fall in love. Once they fall in love, every fact you provide will be explained away and ignored. Remember, you are dealing with a love addict. It’s heroin. It won’t kill them, but it will financially and emotionally bankrupt them. So, what are the signs and symptoms of romance scams that they need to know about ahead of time (i.e., security awareness training) to avoid a romance scam in the first place? Here are some common ones:

·        Scammer has quick, aggressive conversation as soon as the victim shows interest

·        Scammer is quick to move the conversation off any dating or monitored site to personal email and phone numbers

·        Early, quick profession of love…way too quick for a normal person (note the first request for money usually comes directly after the victim professes love…that’s the hook the scammer waits for)

·        Scammer never speaks to the victim or video chats…lots of excuses why they can’t do it

·        Scammer is almost always portrayed as someone who travels a lot, who was born in a country not of their family origin and not currently in the same country as the victim (this is pretty consistent because they can’t actually have a chance of really meeting the victim…and purportedly traveling great distances to meet the victim is one of the most lucrative parts of the scam)

·        Scammer promises to travel, but on the day of the expected arrival, something happens, and they need more money right away to make it happen

·        Scammer sends very attractive photos as compared to what the person could usually be expected to date

·        Scammers often claim to have been scammed by other people or burned for money by previous “scammers” as a way to make the victim feel confident that they are not a scammer

·        Sometimes a scammer says they had a spouse that died or left them unfairly, and they are single-handedly raising a kid (what a great person they are)

·        Scammer claims to be highly successful but do or say things that a highly successful person would not do or say

·        Allows the victim to reveal their interests and likes first before telling the victim about themselves, which not surprisingly, shows they have many common interests

 The two biggest keys that a victim is in a romance scam are: the scammer will never meet the victim in person and asks for money all the time for various emergency reasons.

The only possible defense is to share the common tactics of romance scammers and hope that the victim sees the commonalities and makes the connection before they are in love and sending money. It’s easier to do this if you share this information with lonely friends before they get caught up in a scam. Once they are in love, the drug addiction starts, and it becomes a much harder fight.

To everyone helping a loved one to get out of a romance scam, you’re doing the right thing. You’re a good person. And good luck!

 I know this is not the cutesy, little Happy Valentines message some of you might have hoped for, but if you save someone from a romance scam, you’re the real Valentine.