Romance and Recovery

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??????????? Addiction is an empty hole that is trying to be filled with anything that masks feelings of emptiness or emotional discomfort. That’s why there’s only one addiction — what I call the invisible hole. When someone stops a single addiction, that hole will be like a heat-seeking device searching for the next source of warmth. But that hole can’t be filled by a relationship —good or bad. It can be masked with emotional chaos from a turbulent relationship, or even with a momentary band-aid of bliss, but over time that only deepens the void and increases the likelihood of relapse.

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Roller coaster relationships or painful terminations trigger most relapses. The feeling of holding on for dear life might be perversely exhilarating, but also self-harming and sometimes deadly. Even in stable relationships, if one person gets sober and the other doesn’t grow, the relationship becomes imbalanced. Or if one partner dies and unresolved dependency needs are unleashed, they might find themselves in a tidal wave of unmanageable emotions. Someone who has faced their demons and psychological challenges will be able to embrace the pain knowing It will pass.

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The Invisible Hole — We’re not born with a sense of emptiness or lack; it happens through life’s painful events. Sometimes it has to do with childhood or adult trauma, but mostly through the trauma caused by the addiction. Every painful event can drill into a person’s sense of worth and self-esteem. The addiction masks that malaise but also causes further erosion. The more the dis-ease is avoided, the greater the gap between healing and a possible relapse.?

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Regardless of the cause, the hole can only be filled by working through the emotional blockage that triggers relapse. Sounds easy but very few people do the necessary work to heal their wounds. Like any other addiction, the person returns time and time again and continues getting a quick fix followed by the devasting results of finding themselves in the same emotional gutter.

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Unless someone works on the underpinnings of their addictions and returns to a sense of wholeness, the invisible hole remains and continues to drain a person’s life force and sense of dignity and respect. When that hole is filled with healing the past and learning how to be a happy, well-adjusted person, the reverse happens. The addiction is drained of all value and replaced with feelings of self-respect and wholeness.

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Acceptance of Reality — If a relationship is painful and it doesn’t continue to improve, then it’s over even if the people remain in their trauma bond. They ride the wings of crushing disappointment when the relationship ruptures. and bliss when they reunite.

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People in healthy relationships keep growing together. Through personal reflection, the ability to make amends when wrong, loving conversations about likes and dislikes, and a commitment to learn and grow, the relationship strengthens.

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?There’s no contingency for their sobriety. If anything threatens that, they will use recovery tools to stop the insanity. If they can’t get along, they’ll get help. If the help doesn’t work, they’ll choose to end the relationship. They accept the reality that it’s not a good fit, they’ll let go, give themselves time to grieve and commit to amicability once the grieving is over.

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Learning Self-Love – People in early recovery are often told to stay out of relationships the first year. This is good advice, but I’ve seen many people do just fine dating early on because they’re mentally healthy enough to do so, and they put their recovery first. They are more committed to willfulness and chaos than to expanding and growing. They gladly submit to the steps that take them from angst to joy — regardless of their relationship status. They don’t care how uncomfortable it is to face their pain, they will do whatever it takes to get well so they break the addictive cycle.

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??????????? If someone can’t love themselves, they can’t love someone else. There’s a big difference between need and love. When someone is full of self-love they want to share and receive love. They aren’t dependent on someone as a source of feeling okay. They know that their source of well-being comes from loved ones, interests, helping others, and most importantly a connection with a higher power. They take care of their body, mind, and soul. They can weather any storm with dignity and grace.

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Relationships are about sharing and receiving love. They are a beautiful gift that helps us with our blind spots and be a better version of ourselves. They embrace all of life. If a relationship causes unfixable pain, you realize you’re not with the right person. You let go, knowing that when the time is right, you will meet the right person. No amount of romance can replace true love. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You deserve to be loved and treasured, but that is the result of learning how to be the love that you want.

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If you want to connect with Dr. Donna Marks and find out about her tools and programs on how to?Reclaim Your Power Over Addiction, visit her website?https://drdonnamarks.com/.

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Dr. Donna Marks has been a licensed psychotherapist and addictions counselor in Palm Beach, Florida, for over thirty years. In 1989, she developed a chemical dependency training program at Palm Beach Community College, which has grown into a four-year degree and received the Florida Governor’s Council Award. She is also a certified gestalt therapist, psychoanalyst, hypnotist, and sex therapist. She’s facilitated A Course in Miracles for over 30 years. She shares her methods with millions of listeners on podcasts, radio, and TV shows. To learn more about Dr. Marks, her books: Exit the Maze: One Addiction, One Cause, One Solution; Learn, Grow, Forgive: A Path to Spiritual Success, and A Healing Moment: Seven Paths To Turn Messes Into Miracle of Love, her services, and free offers, check out her website at https://drdonnamarks.com