Romance: Is it Realistic or Just a Fantasy

A few years back I was a guest panelist at a relationship summit. During the Q&A, I was asked "What do you think of romance? Is it embedded in reality, or is it more of a fairy tale concept that no one can ever attain?"

I found this question so interesting. It got me thinking about what seriously searching singles might think about the idea of romance. Does the notion, or idealism, of Romance help or hinder someone who is looking for lasting love? Is Romance realistic? What does it mean to be Romantic? And can romance really thrive in long-term relationships, or does it fade with time?

First off, I think it’s important to understand that there are different degrees of romance.

• There are the everyday little things you do like not neglecting the kiss goodbye, saying I love you and making sure the other person knows you mean it, sharing quality time and listening to one another, or making a point to look lovingly at each other in the midst of busy environments.
• Then there are easy romantic gestures such as giving him a foot massage, sending flowers for no reason, or bringing her a box of her favorite chocolates.
• Finally there are the grand gestures such as the romantic dinner you planned, the surprise getaway trip he booked, or even the airplane proposal, flying by with a "Will you marry me?" sign at just the moment.

If you are still looking for lasting love AND romance, it’s important to realistically look at what you expect to receive from a partner as well as what you are what you are capable of giving. A little bit of self-awareness in this area will serve you well.

As you are looking at the romance potential of your dates or relationships, here are a few things to keep in mind…

Romance is a state of mind. It’s a way of being, the way you look at life, and the actions you take to show care for your partner. It’s about seeing opportunities for connection and intimacy in everyday life, and acting upon them, rather than waiting for special occasions to express love. For instance, simple gestures like texting your partner "good morning" to touch base daily or making time to plan a special occasion are both rooted in romance. These small acts, though often understated, create a sense of emotional closeness and remind your partner that they are a priority in your life.

Romance, when seen as a state of mind, is realistic in a long-term relationship and can be a valuable tool to measure the lasting power of a new relationship. It’s not about grand gestures that wow you once but fizzle out quickly. It’s about consistently finding ways to bring joy, comfort, and affection into your relationship. These actions speak volumes about one’s love and commitment to the other and stand in stark contrast to showy love-bombing gestures that hold no lasting sincerity.

Romance is giving special attention to someone you care deeply for. What does that special attention look like? Spending one-on-one time together where you are delighted to be in each other's presence, no matter the other demands on one’s life. It’s paying attention to the little things: her favorite coffee, his favorite Italian dish. It’s knowing she is working late and bringing her dinner to make her time a little easier. It’s looking lovingly at your partner as if they were your whole world.

The fairy-tale version of sweeping gestures and constant passion is rarely sustainable for long. Couples who build their relationship on that ideal are often disappointed when life’s challenges get in the way. When work, children, or family have to take priority for a time. However, a realistic romance is one in which, even amid the boring day-to-day, each person makes a point to consider and give attention to their partner in practical, everyday ways.

Romance is making a greater effort. Gestures like giving your sweetheart flowers, writing poetry or love notes, or buying gifts make someone feel special and valuable. The effort and time spent considering your partner and planning something special is just as important to romance as the gesture itself.

This is where the fantasy and the reality can get tangled up. The entire relationship can’t be based on a barrage of high-effort gestures. But every so often, taking initiative or going the extra mile to do something a little extra is a reminder of the value you place on one another, above all others.

Fantastical Romance can be as real as you want to make it IF you are both committed to it. There are some people who strive to live a romantic life and design their lives to make it happen. They just need a partner who cares about romance as much as they do and has the desire to arrange their lives accordingly. For these people, the romantic fantasy is something they aspire to both offer and receive.

However, this kind of life can’t be one-sided. There is a lot of sacrifice that goes into a fantasy romance lifestyle. You can’t go into it thinking that your desire for romance is enough to satisfy both partners. It has to be a mutual pursuit or disappointment and resentment will eventually set in.

Personally, I think that in order to support a realistic romance in your relationship, it requires TIME.

This is what many couples are missing with one another – quality time to be romantic and think romantically. Romance takes time and space. Time to ponder and dream, time to be intentional, and time to create romantic opportunities. We have so many demands on our time. There are so many competing disruptions and have-tos. So it’s important that both people put time and attention into being romantic. Whether that looks like small stolen moments or grand gestures, realistic romance thrives when couples carve out intentional time for each other. That is when the magic happens!

If you are still searching for true love, look at potential partners who place a strong emphasis on creating space for connection, whether through date nights, weekend getaways, or even simple, daily check-ins. For couples who are serious about building a lasting relationship, time spent nurturing romance isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity.

For marriage-minded people, there is no one-size-fits-all to being romantic. Different people respond to different gestures. Realistic romance involves ongoing learning. As relationships evolve, so do the ways couples experience and express love. It’s important to stay curious and flexible, always seeking new ways to keep the romance alive, even in the busiest stages of life. Sometimes, romance may be as simple as sharing quiet moments together, supporting each other through challenges, or building a future as a team.

So how do you see romance in your life? How do you want your partner to be romantic with you? How can you add some romantic spice to your life?

Romance is not just a fantasy, nor is it something that happens effortlessly. It’s a blend of intentional acts of love, consistent communication, and an investment of time and effort. Realistic romance means accepting that not every moment will feel like a scene from a Rom-Com movie, but with dedication and care, the love shared between partners can grow deeper and more meaningful over time.