The rollercoaster is real.

First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for going on this ride with me. It didn't really occur to me that people would read this. LOL And now that I have received buckets of support and cheering me on, I am even more grateful that I started writing again.

This is truly therapy for me to write out this experience and this journey. I think so much of this is brushed under the rug and not spoken about openly. However, if you get the guts to say something or reach out to someone for advice, you immediately understand that riding the rollercoaster of life and business is real for everyone.

So why have we normalized glossing over it? That Instagram-perfect life isn't real. It looks nice, but fake. And I am in for the real, real. I love going deep in a conversation and uncovering so much connection in sharing our deepest thoughts and finding connection among them.

When you layer on starting a business - of any kind really - that rollercoaster seems to get even more intense. You know the one that you looked at as a little kid and thought "no way, no how" and then as a teenager couldn't wait to ride? Yeah that one.

Is it exhilerating? Absolutely.

Is it terrifying? 100%

Do you get off of it and scream, "That was amazing!! Let's go again!!"? Every. Single. Time.

That is what building a business is. Waves of emotions, motivation, despair, triumph, and questioning why you are doing it. And yet, as we ride them, we inevitably get to those moments of "That was amazing!! Let's go again!!"

My last post was one of those real big rollercoaster drops. Where you find your stomach in your throat and you aren't sure you are going to make it. It can be big and intense. And after years of working on my self-development, I know that it is a moment, a wave, a drop in the overall ride rather than a persistent feeling.

I have worked hard over the years to develop the tools to navigate those very moments. To trust them as a way of clearing out the clutter and allowing the clarity to come in. Those moments evoke deep feelings that then show me where I might be inadvertently sabotaging myself.

Because I am on a mission. And I have lived in this world and cultivated a ton of conditioning and core wounds that can creep on me unexpectedly.

For example:

• When I think I am being generous, I can find I am actually projecting people pleasing and therefore lack of confidence.
• When I think I am being collaborative, I can find I am actually giving away my power and not giving myself credit for the value that I bring.

So now, when these big waves or drops in the rollercoaster come up, I dig in.

• What hurts?
• What memories are flashing through my head?
• What am I fearing or expecting will or won't happen?
• Who do I want to reach out to for support during this specific wave?

The week that I shared last, here is what my process looked like to move through the emotions and uncover what I was feeling so that I could learn from it, grow into what it was asking me to recognize, and ultimately take the next best step.

1. I woke up feeling the intense emotions and pain in my left shoulder and arm. So before even getting out of bed, I meditated. I found calm and stillness allowing my body to speak to me. As I listened to what came up as I lay there, I felt shame, guilt, and fear.
2. After getting the kids to school, (#momlife) I wrote Part 2 of this newsletter. Just allowing myself to let everything in my head move through me onto the screen. I do this with journaling almost every day. It can be WILDLY surprising what will come out when you just write without an intention or goal. You can become your own coach.
3. Despite every urge in my head to jump into work and PUSH, FIX, DO, I went to my Wednesday Circle. This powerful group of women hold space for each other just as we are. I knew that it would be healing and helpful. Even if I was just quiet. I was right and so much more. They held space for all that was coming up for me, validated my feelings, and helped me process them. Without judgement or pushing me. I left feeling infinitely better and yet still knowing so much was raw.
4. From that clarity, I approached a business communication to part of my community in a totally different way. Instead of sending a message with a lot of fear of abandonment unintentionally anchoring the email, I recorded a voicenote of exactly what was coming up for me in this moment. It felt really important to me that they hear the person behind the email and the energy that I wanted to convey that just can't come through in written words sometimes. So we birthed a new communication method of half voice message and half written. We put the feminine (values) in the voice transmission and the masculine (structure) in the written. That felt HUGE in so many ways.
5. I connected with a friend who asked me about life and also to share an update on some personal family health things. His questions in a loving supportive way allowed me to relive a moment that I already felt good about and open up another layer. We should never underestimate the power of sharing and resharing stories. As Donkey says - onions have layers.
6. That layer gave me the proof and confidence I needed to take the next step. Our brains like to look for examples from the past to keep us safe. This layer was a proof point for my brain that stepping out and being me, doing this "different" or "weird" is actually my comfort zone. In that story I found safety in a past experience that gave me just the motivation I needed to regroup and soldier on.
7. I then caught up with a co-worker and friend. Even before connecting, she shared something that she thought was important for me to hear from her tarot card pull of the day. She had been at the morning circle and found the meaning of this pull to be supportive for me based on what I was experiencing. We talked, laughed, and played and everything shifted. Business things didn't feel like questions or ambiguous, it all just clicked into place in minutes.
8. Finally, I spent the rest of my day with my kids and family. My kids fill my cup and are always a huge motivation for me. They are so wise. I glean so much insight into my own experience just from watching them or interacting with them. They have so much love to give and want to share it far and wide. And that gives me hope, fills my cup, and drives me to create the world that they already hold in their hearts.

I share this in great detail because for the first 40ish years of my life, this wasn't common practice. I would have pushed forward. Tried to force things to happen. Exhaust myself and push things down inside of me.

Or if I had taken the time to break away to find clarity, I would have had nagging guilt or shame in not working hard enough. Perpetuating feelings of unworthiness or not good enough. While I may have pushed through it many times, those feels would ride just below the surface. Building. And everything would have taken longer, been harder, and caused more burnout than success.

Now I move with what moves in me. Knowing that if I lean in to what is coming up, I will uncover the root so much faster. Getting to the other side, the clarity, of what is the next best step.

This rollercoaster is real. And instead of riding it in fear of when the next drop is going to come, I buckle my seat belt and raise my arms. Enjoying the ride is what it is all about. And no doubt as this section of the coaster comes to a close, I am ready to scream "That was amazing!! Let's go again!!"