The roles we choose to play in life
Andrew Tallents
Founder & CEO - Transforming Founders & CEOs into impactful financially independent leaders with Self-Coaching Systems - Follow for Leadership & Personal Growth Tips
Many leaders choose to wear different hats in their complex relationships but sometimes the hats choose us!
At this time of the year some of us are lucky to be able to step back and reflect on the last twelve months and decide on how we want to change our lives in the coming months.
This article explores how we can gain different perspectives and insights to inform our decision making by reflecting on the roles we play in our relationships in our personal and professional lives.
One way to think about the roles we play in relationships is by reflecting on the different hats we choose to wear in certain situations at work and at home. Some of these hats we like and some of them we don't. Some of the hats we choose to wear are hats that others in our relationships should be wearing. Some feel much lighter to wear and some much heavier, giving us headaches from time to time.
External roles where we choose to wear the hats
The roles we choose to have in our lives can be classified as external and internal. External roles are roles that others know about and have boundaries that you can either maintain or ignore. Examples of external roles I choose to have in my life include:
As a husband I can choose to agree boundaries in my role and I can choose how I show up in relationship with my spouse. However as a husband I can also choose to ignore my relationship with my spouse and just let it develop without any effort or good intentions from me.
A useful exercise to do (when you have some space and time to reflect) is to write down all of the external roles that are important to you and then for each one think about how you have behaved in that relationship in the last twelve months. If you are not sure you can always ask the other person or people in your relationships for feedback on how you have been behaving in relationship with them.
Scribbling down a few notes about each role helps to create insight into the time and effort that has gone into those roles during the last twelve months.
Next, think about 2023 and what might be needed from you in each of your external roles to maintain or change the boundaries in your relationships. If you are not sure you can always ask the other person or people in your relationships how they feel about how you show up and how they need you to change during 2023. This insight is invaluable and does not mean that you need to agree to their requests. It enables you to balance the other's needs with yours so that you can decide how you want to change how you show up in all of your roles.
This exercise can be liberating as it enables you to feel more in control about the roles you choose to play in your life and regenerates positive intent in your relationships as they develop during 2023.
The final step here to really embed the changes is to speak with each person in your relationships and inform them how you want to change your role in the relationship and gain support from them as you start to behave differently. Always be aware that your behaviour will affect the relationship dynamics and that the other person may need your support as they get used to how you show up differently.
Internal roles where we choose to wear the hats
As complex living organisms we all have internal roles that we choose to play in life. These sometimes complement our external roles and can sometimes get in the way of us fulfilling our external roles. Internal roles are usually linked to some kind of emotion that we feel when we are in our personal and professional relationships. Examples of internal roles that I choose to have in my life include:
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Again it can be useful to make your own list of the internal roles that you choose to have and explore how they currently appear in your current relationships. For example, in my relationship with my 14 year old daughter she is now less interested in my opinions than she was twelve months ago so I can speak with her and choose to not offer those opinions unless she asks for them. We would both agree how we would be together when my opinion might be useful for her.
Going through the same steps as in the earlier exercise can provide some great insight into how you might want to change your internal roles during 2023. Again it is important to discuss with those in your relationships how those changes might show up in future and gain their agreement and support through the transition period.
Secret Roles where the hats choose us!
Another form of internal roles are called secret roles. These are also created from our emotions but at an unconscious level. They are roles that we are not aware of in the moment and have no choice when they appear. We only become aware that they were present after the event! Sometimes they are helpful but they can get in the way of who we are in relationships. Examples of secret roles that possess me from time to time in certain relationships include:
These are much harder to become aware of and I would recommend that you reflect on your external and internal roles first. However, if you are curious about your secret roles then list as many out as you can and try and think about the last time one of them showed up in an important relationship.
This insight in itself will be revealing and will make you more aware over time, as and when it appears. If you are feeling really courageous you could ask the other person in your relationship to tell you how it feels for them when this secret role shows up. Once you understand this it may be that you want to reduce the frequency that the secret role is present in your relationship. One fun way to manage this is to agree a secret code word with the other person in your relationship and ask them to say it when the secret role appears. Most people choose funny words or phrases to use so that it can reduce the chances of a negative response from you.
Self-Coaching can help us to assess and change our roles in life
Although we can reflect and gain insight and feedback on how we show up in our various roles in our lives, this is a short term fix. In the long term we need to learn how to coach ourselves to become more aware of when the roles we choose are not appropriate in the moment in our key relationships. We can also learn how to change the relationship with our secret roles so that they can be managed more effectively and from a conscious leadership perspective. Whatever roles you choose to take as we approach the end of 2022 I wish all of you and the important roles you play each day much success in your personal and professional lives during 2023.
The only person getting in the way of you living your dreams is you!
Andrew Tallents
Andrew Tallents has over twenty-five years' experience in delivering a wide range of leadership consulting solutions to a variety of organisations around the world. He grew up on a council estate in Manchester, and after graduating from Salford University with a business degree, he joined the utility industry and spent his early career in business support functions.?
He then moved into the recruitment industry where he supported CEOs in growing their organisations and developing their own careers. During this time, he was fortunate to work with global organisations and developed his multicultural awareness, enabling him to work with a wide variety of leadership styles.?
He established the Tallents Partnership in 2017 to support leaders who are ambitious for themselves and their organisations. He has worked with large corporate organisations to small not-for-profit organisations and has learned that in any organisation, a leader is only as successful as the relationships they develop.
Andrew is an amazon bestselling author and published his first book?“Self-Coaching for Leaders - The unique and simple approach to living your personal and professional dreams” ?in 2021. He is a keynote speaker and travels the world sharing his experiences of self-coaching as a way of living our personal and professional dreams.
He is proud of his family and circle of friends and associates. When he is not supporting his clients, he enjoys working towards fulfilling his potential on the golf course. He also supports charities in the social mobility sector. Andrew lives in the Wirral in the UK with his wife, children and Ollie the Cavapoo.