The Role of Personality in Marriage

As a counselor, I've come to realize that one of the most important factors people fail to consider in marriage is personality differences.

Our personality is made up of characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make us unique. It's important to remember that our uniqueness is embedded in our different personalities.

When a couple gets married or begins a relationship, they know they're different, and they even celebrate their differences until those differences start to grate on them.

Sometimes, personality differences can drive a wedge between couples because of the expectations placed on partners to act or behave in the same way. That usually leads to disaster. It can often seem like partners are from different planets. One person may be slow to speak, while another speaks a mile a minute; one person may be detailed, while another lets things go; one person may be extroverted, while another prefers their own space. One person wants things done now, while the other takes their time.

Is there a way to deal with these differences? Is happiness possible with such glaring differences? The answer is "yes," but the first step is to accept that your partner is not you and will never be you, so adjust your expectations. With that in place, here are other things that can help:

1. Take a personality test: You can't understand what you're ignorant of. Find out what your personalities are. Some good ones are the Gary Smalley Animal Personality Test and the 16 Personalities.

2. Discuss your personalities with your spouse: This is usually eye-opening when you realize you're just different, not crazy.

3. Discuss the necessary adjustments needed to accommodate each other. No one can stay the same and expect a happy marriage.

4. Don't try to make your spouse like you. Accept their differences.

5. Our personalities are not an excuse to be badly behaved, so treat each other honorably at all times.