Rock and Roll to Fatherhood

A large pile of white powder sat in the middle of the living room inside a lavish low lit suite. I surveyed the room scattered with skinny pants, fancy hats, and white tennis shoes. Some of the attendees were completely naked off in the distance, doing things I can’t write about here. Others were carrying on meaningless rants, huddled in conversations about the next big thing. It was a cesspool of excess. And it was filled with some of the top record labels, artists, and booking agents in the world. This was where I thought I was suppose to be. It was the inner circle of the rock music business in the 90’s. As a young man and artist, I was working my way up the chain. I had resorted to doing whatever I thought it took to become successful. Sacrificing anything required to make it. I’ll never forget the first time I saw my music video on VH1, or played a festival in front of tens of thousands of people. I was willing to slay any dragon in the way of my success. I was dangerous. I was determined. I relentlessly pursued my goal. But I was a warrior with an empty cause. I fought under a flag of ego and pride. And the spoils of every battle won, were ultimately incredibly dissatisfying. They disappeared into the wind as soon as they arrived.?I was left even more empty than before.

John Wayne said “A man’s got to have a code, a creed to live by, no matter his job.” My code was to find success for myself, no matter the cost. Maybe because I felt unworthy. I needed to prove to myself and others that I was valuable. That I was strong. That I was powerful. That I was a man. But everything changed when I became a father.?

They say that men often don’t connect to their children until later, but for me it was different. When my first daughter Weston was born, I immediately fell for her. It was as if my entire mission in life had changed in an instant. I no longer was fighting for me. For my worth and value. I was fighting for hers. It was the same experience with Rose. Now don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with being present. Playing children’s games feels like pulling teeth sometimes. I could easily become a workaholic, and a part of me still wants to prove my worth to the world. But they are my daughters. And my mission now is to help them slay their dragons. Teach them to be dangerous. To be determined. To be warriors…but for others.?

This is what being a dad has brought me. The gift of turning my inward need for value and success, to an outward desire to defend the innocent. To fight for a higher purpose than myself. The spoils of these battles have far surpassed any amount of money, sex, drugs, or power that I had relied on in my past life. I think being a dad brings every man a gift, should he choose to accept it. It’s scary. You will fall. It’s hard. You will fail. And you will never measure up. You will never arrive. But my belief is that it is in the “trying” that changes you. Quite possibly the single most important challenge we men will ever have in our lives. It certainly has been mine.?

Today I celebrate this gift, and the effort of trying to measure up to something I most likely will never achieve. So to all you pillow fighters and tent builders. All you diaper changers. All you trust makers and wisdom wanters. To all you rare disease warriors. You Sunday kiddie pool swimmers. All you listeners and lovers. Happy damn Fathers day.?