THE ROCK IN THE GARDEN
How Working Parents Can Manage the Demands of School-Age Kids
As a working parent you probably already have multiple jobs, you are: working for a boss and there is always the extra work, after work; running a household with all its administration and logistics; a husband / wife, which should have been a full-time job to start with; a mom / dad, which means you also have to be a qualified paramedic, judge and hostage negotiator; trying to resuscitate your social and personal life, like what was that like; and then you also have children at school.
The Challenge: Having a child (or children) at school, comes with its own challenges. These challenges are here for at least the next 15 years (pre-school, primary and secondary school) and it can put significant strain on the children, the parents, the couple and the family. Every school day you have to face the challenges of: getting ready and to school and activities; packing an interesting and nutritional lunchbox; collecting them on time at the right place; keeping up with extra-curricular schedule; helping with homework, projects, assignments and extra-lessons; dealing with the emotional, social, psychological and educational needs of school at home; and attend parent evenings.
What we know: In these rare moments - when we have the luxury to sit back, breathe and think-out-loud - we would probably agree on three facts:
- We are blessed to have kids (in fact we can not imagine our lives without them);
- We are privileged to be part of their ‘launch-into-life’ (we are responsible for the next generation of independent adults who can adequately deal with the complexity of life); AND
- We have to find more effective ways to deal with the challenges (surely there must be some simple life hacks out there).
So there is good news: to whom much is given, much is expected. In other words, having all of this in your life, probably means you ARE a big-capacity person (you may even have more capacity than you know right now). It always helps to add a few new tactics to help us deal with the pressure of having children at school.
The Rock in the Garden:
We lived in Centurion and we had a massive rock in our garden. At first I thought we can simply remove it and then landscape to our hearts’ content. At closer inspection we realised that the biggest part of this massive rock, was actually underground. Stubborn as I am, I then decided we will just blast it and remove the smaller pieces one by one. On (better) second opinion, they told me that this will not only shatter our windows and damage the neighbours’ properties, but because we live on dolomite, we may even have the house disappear into a sinkhole.
So after making peace with the rock, I decided to work around it. I built a beautiful entertainment area behind it under the canopy of the shady trees. Last but not least, I used this rock as a central feature in our garden, incorporating it into a Koi-pond and building a waterfall onto this large rock. After planting some local wild grasses around it, the pond turned out looking quite rustic and natural. So much so, that wild frogs from the nearby stream moved into their new upmarket suburban condo, shortly after we filled it, and for the first month we were kept awake by them right under our bedroom window.
Moral of the Story: So what is the rock in your garden? Having children at school, is not too different from having a rock in your garden. The rock is either something you have chosen or something you can not change. Once you make peace with it, you are able to look at it differently, plan and get creative. Once you make it the fixed immovable thing, you can start to fit the rest of the stuff around it. Like with the rock in the garden, you discover that your tactics fit into one of two categories:
- Stop leaking unnecessary time and energy; and
- Work smarter, not harder.
Eleven simple Life Hacks: Here are some simple, cost -effective, time-effective life hacks for parents with kids at school (Why eleven? Because it is one more than 10):
1. Remind yourself of the bigger picture: We often get lost and stuck in the detail, zoom out and look at the bigger picture. E.g. while running from a work commitment to a school commitment, remind yourself why you are ultimately doing this (i.e. the real reason behind all the busyness). This makes the temporary suffering and sacrifices more meaningful and bearable.
2. Get off the back-foot: Make a conscious decision to stop reacting and to become proactive. Once you make this shift, even with things outside of your control, you will feel less at mercy of your ‘circumstances’ and more in control. E.g. go on a date night, talk about what you could stop, start, continue and change, and then agree and set it into motion;
3. Invest in what matters most: All working parents have hectic schedules, so find the 20% that makes the 80% difference. E.g. with young kids, tell them stories, read to them, teach them to play guitar or speak to your high school children about career and life choices.
4. Say no: Even in a very flexible job you can not always attend everything. Be clear about your ability to commit. Coach yourself to differentiate between necessary and nice-to-have, and then, if needs be, say no without feelings of inappropriate guilt.
5. Become a Life-Coach: There are two life-skills that will make your life more hands-free and your children more successful. Coach them to become increasingly more independent (this is always pinned against age-appropriate expectations) and to make the most of every moment. E.g. take your time to teach them properly the first few times, then encourage them to get up, get on and get active. By demonstrating how you use a ‘stolen moment’ to add value, they can copy and paste.
6. Life is what happens on the way: Don’t count the moments, but rather teach them to make every moment count. If we wait for special times to do special things, we may never get there. So work the special stuff into the everyday mix and create the balance you want. This will be more fulfilling and healthier than the current frustrations.
7. Get better at how you take time off: Explain that you need time off, but don’t just stop at when and where - also explain why. This way you will get more support and understanding from work. E.g. “I need to attend a parents’ evening, because we need to talk about career planning and subject choices. I will work-in my lunch hours and catch-up after hours if needs be”.
8. Plan and Prepare: Time is the make or break factor – you can’t make it, but it can break you. A colleague of mine said: “To juggle work and family – plan and prepare. If you sort out everything the night before, it makes a world of difference the next morning – more time and less chaotic. E.g. making sure lunch boxes are clean, setting out clothes, with preschool kids - making sure you know where everything is. It takes times for them to get it, but it is worth it.
9. Clump your commitments together: If you feel you want to commit to more, take a day’s leave to fit in with a major volunteer effort and make a fun day of it. E.g. you decide to assist with Sani2C, so you plan your leave in advance with some friends and take the day off together.
10. Introduce ‘Family Study Time’: Homework time can be soul-destroying. One of my colleagues commented that this ritual of power struggles – the nagging, pleading, bargaining and vying for your attention – is endearingly know in the moms’ circle as ‘suicide hour’. Create a set time for the whole family to be quiet and engage in work. E.g. you all sit around the dinner table so that the kids get stuck into their homework, while you are all there as a family together, you are available to supervise, support, catch up on your own work, read the news or chat to your online parent support group. This helps the kids to focus, be more time-effective, create boundaries between work and play, and creates more family time.
11. Build School Relationship: By building deeper relationships with other parents and even teachers, you can open up opportunities for lift clubs, support and greater levels of understanding. Don’t allow isolation to bully you in your busyness.
Conclusion:
Daisy Wademan Dowling is the Founder and CEO of Workparent, she says: “Parenting school-age children while making it happen in a full-time career can feel like an uphill marathon — long, constant, and steep”. So amidst this struggle, we remind ourselves that you - not only school - have the privilege of teaching your child some of life’s greatest lessons:
· the importance of hard work,
· the value of commitments to family, and
· the satisfaction that comes from a tough job well done”.