Pursuit of valued goals

• I was in my 10th standard.

It was the year when we as students had to appear for our first public exam.

I wanted to do very well, also get a rank at the board level!!

We were told this exam is a very crucial point in our lives; the trajectory of our lives would change based on how we performed in this exam.

The common notion was that this was a making or breaking point.

I prepared diligently.

I sensed that expectations from well-meaning people were very high.

"We'll see you on T.V. after the results," they said with pride on their faces. What a high it gave me to have such expectations from me!

Some expectations were from people in my close circle, some were my teachers, but by and large, I felt the weight of my own expectations, from the rigid standards I personally, set for myself!

And then .....!

I could not concentrate!

A lot of time went into 'trying' to focus but I was happier to avoid studying!

I was with books but my mind was all over the place!

I was scared of missing out on topics that were important.

I would sit for hours in study mode but I grasped very little.

I feared whether I fell short of preparation!

I was caught up in a rigid cycle of 'shoulds' and 'musts' from which, I could not fathom going down! They were inflexible rules.

I was scared to the point I wished I escaped from the exam but somehow had to be a rank holder.

I felt stuck, restless from time to time even as I pushed myself to the limit to focus on my studies.

I did not know how to manage the emotions that came up.

I wished for someone to understand how I felt but could not find a way to articulate my feelings.

My parents told me to relax and just perform as well as I could and it was okay if I did not get top marks!

My teachers told me to stay relaxed but I did not know how to!

I thought how could I set myself up for something lower than the benchmark I had for myself!

What if I did not do well in my life!

What if I don't have a career!

What if I let my teachers down!

I would go down in my own eyes!! What would my friends think of me !!

But what happened with that mindset!

I did not have enough mental space and a good physical state for preparing the way I would have wanted to!

My mind was caught up in worrying than doing what I could otherwise normally do.

Most of all, I did not enjoy that phase.

I felt bitter during the study holidays! To this day, I wish I could edit that phase.

I was not learning, I just wanted to be done with it.

I kept crying from time to time for a reason that my parents did not understand.

I wondered how my classmates who had the same exam were so chilled! And I behaved as if I was on a Warfield!

The fear and rigidity, the perfection, the association between the exam and its relationship to my self-worth, and my doing well in life turned counter-productive!!!

Fast forward to a couple of years later, in my pre-university and college, I approached the whole scenario in a very different way. I could not afford to have a similar experience to before.

Thanks to a mentor from whom I learned how to approach it. I learned not only how to study which was just the tip of the iceberg, but about the states that help, how to harness the mind, about practices that help. I also learned my lessons about the mindset that served.

I was relaxed this time, planned in advance, and studied without setting any rigid rules.

I definitely had goals for grades in the exam but did not keep thinking about the outcomes and ruminate in perceptions about the consequences of results! In fact, I did not even engage in thinking about its impact on my life!

And the results -

I not only did well but topped the college and was one among the meritorious students at the pre-university and university levels.

I was meritorious not once, but consistently through all the exams that followed.

I scored 100% in mathematics in the public exam with ease. This meant a lot to me because I was struggling to touch 80 marks even after a lot of effort in my school. More importantly, this changed my relationship with mathematics.

I loved and enjoyed the journey. I still look at that phase as the golden period of my life where I thoroughly enjoyed the learning.

I was in an amazing state inside and that feeling, my friends is invaluable, priceless!

Rigidity, should-dos, must-dos, perfectionism, and controlling the future, paradoxically take us away from our valued goals, quite contrary to the common belief.

Being relaxed, approaching goals with curiosity and love, leaning on faith rather than fear, having flexibility with persistence, and being ready to take on life as it comes are empowering attitudes that we can cultivate. Understanding what we can control and taking on the uncertainties of the future, the futility of spending our energy in controlling the future, the importance of just being in the present moment were life lessons that I learned from these events.

I hope this helps anyone struggling who is on the same boat that I was back then.

Do you resonate with this! Comment below.