The Road from Performative to Transformative Requires Putting In the Work

Just when you think you have been pushed to your limits, you're pushed even further. That's what 2022 has been like for most of my clients.

This year has been challenging in every area of their lives. If you are anything like me and are on a path of true personal development, consider this a blessing.

Would you purposely ask for all you endured this year if you were given fair warning ahead of time? Most would not. Growth is not easy, but once you've committed to the path and have done the work, it's well worth the effort.

Life happens. And when it does, it doesn't allow you to choose when you would like to "schedule" challenges.?

Something transformative happens when you face a truth you've been running from or had locked away deep inside the recesses of your mind.?

The more you peel back the "layers of the onion" of your life's experiences, the more experiences rise to the surface to be cleared.?

I am not always excited when this happens to me, nor do I immediately recognize the lessons when they show up, but as I make time to do the work, the lessons and, eventually, life-long transformation takes shape. This is how you go from just performing the actions to transforming into the person you truly want to be.

If you are serious about growth, this is the work that needs to be done, especially if you are (or desire to be) a powerful woman of color; you will only move forward by doing the work required in business or love.

So take my hand and keep reading as I take you on tour through this year's challenges, triumphs, lessons learned, and how they have impacted my work and my transformation. If it worked for me, it will work for you too.

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I started this year, deciding if I wanted to continue doing the work I'd dedicated my life and business to over the past twenty years as a dating, relationship, and marriage coach. But this year, something didn't feel right, and I was curious to know what that was and what I needed to do to change it. So you know what I did instead of going through "performative action"? Nothing!

If you know me, you know that I am always doing something. People have often asked, "How do you do it all? Where do you find the time? When do you sleep? How can you do what you do with only so many hours in the day?"

Questions like these made me feel invincible, like I possessed a superpower that no one else had, until I finally realized it no longer worked for me. This particular superpower was draining the life out of me, and I could no longer keep up the pace.

So early in the year, I decided to reduce the number of clients I worked with one-on-one, courses, books, masterclasses, and speaking engagements so that I could tune in to what my spirit needed and prepare for whatever lessons came my way. And goodness, did they come fast and furious.

For example, I was put in the most uncomfortable position with my largest client, forcing me to re-evaluate my work at that time against what I felt I should be doing in my spirit. You often hear, "What would you do if money was no object?" I had asked myself that question over the years, I knew the answer, but I kept fighting to step into that arena because it was safer not to.

As I progress through my coursework leading to my Metaphysical Psychology Ph.D. I am challenged, forced to go deeper, answer the tough questions, and uncover what truth lies beneath the "lies" that I have told myself over the years just to be seen as others need to see me.

As things continued to come up for me throughout the year, I took the necessary time to work through them. I didn't push myself to perform, to create sales, programs, or workshops that were performative instead of transformative.

Picture this...

You decide to make 2023 your year; the year you stop playing small, stop letting your past dictate your present and your future, the year you ask for that promotion, that raise, to lead that specific project. Or the year that you put more energy into attracting the love of your life or shifting the energy of your current relationship into one that makes love to your heart.

As a result of doing the work, your personal and professional life changes, and you feel like a million bucks. Things seem to fall into your lap, and when things don't go as you had hoped, you are no longer gripped by fear, insecurities, or disappointments.

You have found your voice and can stand in your power without being aggressive or shrinking. You decide what you want, and you go after it. All while having the support and accountability you need to keep you headed in the right direction.

When you find yourself in those "tight situations" where you are bound to fall back on your old ways, you now have someone to reach out to that will get you "back together," in the moment, so that you can continue to walk the road on the way to your dreams.

You have worked through your grief and anger, and you exude a quiet confidence, one that is rooted in having the best relationship with the "self" that you have ever had. And even when you are no longer plugged into this system, the tools you've learned during your time in the coaching program are helpful to you for years to come. You know what to do in the heat of the moment, and you do so with grace and ease.

In short, you are transformed!

No longer performing your daily grind mad at the world, but instead you journeyed down the road less traveled, and have emerged a more confident woman, leader, lover, mother, sister, daughter, and executive.

This year, I did the hard work with my coaches and therapists, pushing through the discomfort. Did I always do it with a smile on my face? No. But I kept going, as understanding my insecurities, trauma, and fears would help me be a better coach at helping my clients do the same.

As I continued to do the work, I saw how I was giving my power over others.

• "I can't do this because they won't do that."
• "If only they would do X, I could then do Y."

And I realized how exhausting it was.?

I saw how much time I wasted pointing a finger, a finger that had every right to be angry, upset, or disappointed in the behavior or actions of others. I saw how my clients were doing the same and not standing in their power due to excuses and lies they had told themselves for years.?

Somewhere along the way, I found the courage to speak my truth in every situation. I know, I know, you thought I had it all together, I do not, but I will always continue to show up and do the work necessary to be the woman I've always wanted to be.?

This year, I decided that I would no longer expect others to speak for me, shine a light on my accomplishments and then be angry, disappointed, or hurt when they don't.?

I surrounded myself with people, coaches, and even therapists who would challenge me to be better in everything I do. I channeled the energy that I had put into fighting to be seen or acknowledged into identifying WHY I needed others to do this for me.?

On my 57th birthday, it was like something clicked. A switch flipped to the off position, and I decided I would no longer be a "performative person." No more performing for those in power that didn't look like me. I was no longer available to allow other's opinions of me to dictate how I felt about myself. Enough was enough. I AM enough!

Instead, I got clear on whom I wanted to be in this world and the legacy I wanted to leave, personally and professionally, and I started walking in HER shoes. The woman I want to be, and guess what? Life wasn't so hard anymore.

Did it ruffle a few feathers? You bet it did. Did it make others feel a bit uncomfortable? Absolutely! Was that my issue to deal with? Absolutely NOT! I do not owe anyone else the courtesy of playing small so that they can feel big or better about themselves. And neither do you.

Are you "performing" for others or "transforming" into the woman you want to be? Are you playing small? Are you afraid to speak up for fear of angering others? If so, there is a reason for that. How do you fix it, then?

The key is to do the work to understand the "why" behind certain feelings and behaviors. You cannot transform your past negative experiences into positive ones if you do not know the reasons for them. It may not feel like it, but there is a lesson in every experience, and you need to understand how to identify it.

What will 2023 look like for you? Will you continue to "perform" for others, or will you steer the direction of your ship to "transform" into the woman, relationship, or career you've always wanted to be, do, or have?

The choice is yours. What will you choose?

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As an Executive Coach for Women, Professional Speaker, Corporate Metaphysician?,?Author of??The 5 Phases of Dating - The Grown-Ass Woman's Guide to Attracting and Maintaining Authentic Relationships, and the Creator of The Happy Executive Woman?

HIRED BY Powerful Women of Color who Need to Heal from Corporate Trauma & Improve Their Leadership Skills | TRAINS & CONSULTS with DYNAMIC Organizations to Strategically Create Sustainable, Conscious DEI Programs.

She is a board member of the Women Impact Network and Women In Technology, where she focuses on coordinating and creating professional development training for the members.?

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For all coaching, media, or consulting inquiries, don't hesitate to contact Anita at?https://anitacharlot.com/contact.

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