The Road to Authentic Relationships: My Story, My Experience, and Your Guide

Relationships are a vital part of our lives, often serving as either sources of happiness or stress. Unless we consciously focus on building and nurturing our relationships, they could erode our quality of life and inner peace, leaving chronic stress to dominate our lives.

In this newsletter, I will share the insights I have gained and the framework I have created for cultivating authentic relationships in all areas of my life. Some might feel that developing a strategy for relationships seems somewhat mechanical or calculated. However, I argue that it's not mechanical, it's intentional.

Without living with intention, we are merely sleepwalking, missing out on opportunities for fulfillment and peace.

If you desire inner peace, a sensation where you no longer run from your current reality or pursue an unappreciated future, becoming the CEO of your own life is necessary. Taking responsibility for where you are, whom you share your time and energy with is crucial.

The framework I utilize, revising it several times a year, is a circle. I begin with a small circle, symbolizing the most important relationship you will ever have – the relationship with yourself. I then draw a slightly larger second circle encompassing those in my inner circle, representing my roots. A third circle illustrates relationships close to me, yet don't experience my full self, I'll further explain why I'm intentional about energy sharing later on when I share these reflections. The fourth circle represents my professional relationships with clients and business partners. The final, fifth circle, reflects relationships others have with me based on their perception from online interaction and social media, sometimes referred to as your online reputation or your brand.

Over the next five weeks, I will dedicate each newsletter to discussing each circle.

I hope this framework or strategy helps you evaluate how fulfilled you feel in your relationships, what you can do to improve them, invigorate them with fresh energy, or make the tough decision to prioritize your mental peace and depart with love. You might not be able to act immediately or walk away, but awareness is the first step towards feeling empowered to take the next appropriate step in your life, a step that aligns with your interests and those of the people you love, work with, and interact with.

The Foundation of All Relationships: The Connection with Self

The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself. Though we intrinsically understand this, we often forget. If we neglect to nurture this fundamental relationship, we might fall prey to dysfunctional behaviors such as people-pleasing, gaslighting, or narcissism, which are indicative of deep-rooted insecurity.

The Cambridge dictionary defines relationship as the way in which two or more people feel and behave towards each other. Alternatively, it's about how two things connect.

For me, a relationship is all about how I perceive and feel in relation to my external environment, including people, situations, and objects.

It starts with how we view and relate to ourselves, our personalities, our thought patterns, and our behaviors. This is not a static process; it continually evolves. Unless we become aware and conscious of how we relate to ourselves, we risk reacting from a place of unawareness, sleepwalking through life.

Rediscovering Our Roots: Journeying Back to Innocence

When we're born, everyone loves babies because of the purity they represent. They feel enough, and they're treated based on their innocence. So how do we lose this innocence? How do we lose our sense of self-worth?

Life happens. Parenting happens. School happens. Social and cultural conditioning happens. Our early life experiences shape our thoughts and beliefs, which form the foundation of our self-image and identity. Often, we grow up with a fixed self-image, based on a distorted lens that doesn't truly represent us.

Unless you embark on the necessary inner work, including the challenging shadow work, you will continue navigating life with a distorted self-image that doesn't reflect the real you. You will continue seeking validation from others, accolades, and achievements to feel that you're enough.

Liberation from Approval: Escaping the Disease to Please

But here's the catch: unless you see and accept yourself for who you truly are, nothing and no one can fill the void inside you.

I speak from experience, having grappled with the disease to please for many years. I felt incomplete and unaccepted in a society where I consistently felt excluded and misunderstood. I strived harder, sought tangible achievements, needed others' validation, and felt whole only when acknowledged by others.

This stemmed from an internal void. I had put so much effort into building relationships with others, yet I had overlooked the importance of cultivating the relationship with myself. I was pouring into my relationships with others from an empty cup and a distorted self-identity.

Filling the Inner Void: Steps Toward Self-Actualization

When we continually strive for success or external factors to make us feel whole, complete, and loved, fulfillment levels tend to be short-lived. The sensation of winning a prize, receiving praise, or being put on a pedestal always fades away. People are fickle, one day they adore you, the next day they ghost you. The joy of receiving a prize or award is ephemeral, soon the praise and celebration cease, and we start seeking the next accomplishment to fill our voids.

Some might think: Nadja, aren't you being a bit too sarcastic? What's wrong with feeling accomplished and celebrated?

Nothing at all. Celebrating achievements and receiving recognition for our accomplishments is wonderful and necessary for motivation, inclusion, and feeling seen.

However, the real question lies in your intrinsic motivation.

Does it stem from a meaningful goal, passion, or pursuit? Or does it originate from a need to feel recognized, validated, and appreciated by others?

Do you appreciate, recognize, and validate your amazing self, independent of external factors? Or do you need external validation to feel like you are someone in this world?

When you dive into these questions, you might feel discomfort or even avoid them. You might dismiss these thoughts as too deep or philosophical.

However, unless you heal your emotional scars, you will never feel a sustainable sense of fulfillment in your life, a fulfillment that eradicates the sensation of void you may feel.

Masterplan for Authenticity: Strengthening Your Relationship with Self

Now that we've examined the negative outcomes or consequences of not having an intentional relationship with oneself, you might ask: where do we start? This process may seem daunting, especially if your entire life has been viewed through a distorted lens, or if you've been told repeatedly that unless you possess X, Y, and Z, you don't belong. However, it's crucial to start small, taking one step at a time.

For me, it was helpful to understand the dynamics of my self-perception and my self-assessment. We all have a creative goal-setting mechanism. We tend to focus more on what we want than on what we already have. It's okay—our brains are goal-oriented.

The problem arises when there is a gap between where you are and where you want to be. If you continually focus on where you aspire to be, you may perpetually feel inadequate, experience a void, and compare yourself with others who appear to be ahead. The gap will continue to widen, potentially leading to feelings of misery and underachievement.

The first step is to be crystal clear about your goals. What is it that you wish to achieve? How would achieving it make you feel? What does the most radiant and exceptional version of you look like? Devote time to reflect and envision. We humans, unlike any other species on this planet, have been gifted with imagination. So, use it.

The second step is to define your standards and core values. Knowing what matters to you in relationships, goal-setting, leadership, and other aspects of life can help you live with clarity, rather than confusion. Think big, start small. You deserve to be your best and feel your best. If you don't believe you deserve the best, it will inevitably be mirrored back to you by others.

The third step is to stop comparing yourself with others. Remove others from the pedestal you've placed them on and start becoming your own hero. No one else is coming to save you, and no one else is responsible for your happiness—you are. Others can only add or distract from your happiness. The moment you take responsibility for your life, feelings of resentment and jealousy towards others will diminish. The more self-love you cultivate, the more meaningful your goals will become, thus enriching your life with purpose and meaning.

The fourth step is to celebrate your progress rather than fixating on the journey ahead. Imagine the negative energy you create when focusing on the distance yet to be covered instead of feeling energized by your accomplishments. Don't gauge your achievements based on societal standards—base them on your character. People may forget what you said and what you know, but they will always remember how you made them feel. Celebrate how far you've come and observe how far you will go.

The fifth and final step is to routinely visualize your future self. We humans function primarily based on memory and past experiences. We are comfortable with what is familiar to us and what we've mastered as behaviours. Adopting a growth mindset involves embracing the discomfort that comes with change and adaptability. This allows us to transform into newer versions of ourselves, capable of achieving and living the goals we've set.

For instance, many people aspire to fame and a large following. But are you prepared to handle the consequences and discipline that come with fame? Are you emotionally resilient enough to ignore hateful or ignorant comments or anyone disagreeing with you? Are you ready to be faced with ‘cancel culture’ when those in power decide you represent a liability to their agenda?

Many people aspire to wealth, aiming to make millions. But do you have a system that allows your money to work for you rather than the other way around? Do you possess budgeting skills to prevent you from losing money the moment you receive it? Do you derive more pleasure from saving or spending on experiences, rather than on material things to impress people who don't truly appreciate or know the real you?

Others aspire to promotions, aiming to become managers or leaders in their companies—an excellent opportunity. But are you ready to handle the responsibility that comes with it? Can you manage higher workloads, be responsible for those you guide and lead, possibly spending less time with your family initially in your new role? Do you have a support system in place?

Unless you can clearly envision yourself developing and mastering the habits your future self needs to realize your goals, you may still achieve those goals, but possibly with less clarity and more confusion, with less ease and more struggle.

I hope these reflections inspire those who resonate with these ideas to become more aware of their self-relationship, building a blueprint that helps you become the best version of yourself from the inside out.

I look forward to writing next week about the second circle of relationships—your inner circle with the people who represent the roots in your life.

With love, Nadja??? ?? ??