Rising From Our Embarrassment

The embarrassing moments are powerful emotional events we remember vividly after many years. We may relive these moments repeatedly till we make peace with them. These moments profoundly impact our confidence and self-esteem; if we are lucky, they can bring significant enlightenment to our life.?

I'll share a few of my embarrassing personal stories and enlightenment with you. Why not have fun with my misfortune, and laugh with me?

Fifteen years ago, the Apple employee group invited me to speak at their campus. I sat in one of those high-set director's chairs and talked about career advancement strategies to hundreds of high-achieving, very engaged audiences. In the middle of my presentation, the chair collapsed! The crowd gasped. I jumped straight up and looked down at the pile of wood. Quickly, I put the pieces back together (sort of) in the shape of the chair. "Look," I said. "I am a VP of Engineering; I can fix any problem!"?

The audience cheered for me, and many came and shook my hand and even hugged me after the event. Later that night, I felt the pain from my bruises. However, my fall never bruised my heart and spirit. It became my silver bullet to cure any future public embarrassing moments.??

I realized that event was bigger than me. Life's not all about me and my feelings.?

My action broke the spell of embarrassment that the organizer might have felt, and the fear of liability saved the audience from being uncomfortable and showed that I could think quickly on my feet–even when I was on my knees.??

In fact, audiences told me they learned how to respond to an embarrassing moment from my action. They now know how to turn misfortune into a motivating event.?

This wasn't the last time being on a stage was precarious for me. We just started to co-present to a few hundred customers in Las Vegas. I stood in the middle of my two colleagues from BMC Software at the back of the stage when I lost my footing on the edge of a five-foot dropoff with nothing behind me but a thick cloth curtain. Before I could grab the curtain, my peer grabbed my arm and saved me from falling backward.?

When he pulled me back in, and I landed safely on both feet, I said to the few hundreds of audiences, who were still full of open mouths, unsure of what had just happened, "Here is the teamwork we have demonstrated live. You can trust us to support you!"??

Instead of focusing on salvaging my own embarrassment, I focused on the emotional impact of people around me and tried to turn an embarrassing moment into an inspiring opportunity.?

We had plenty of laughs later that night as we relived the experience with attendees and each other. We debated whether my peer had saved me from just a broken leg or perhaps from a broken neck.

As with the chair collapse years before, I acted as gracefully and humorously as I could to calm any tensions or fears. This time, the good news is that I didn't even have to end up on the floor to do it!??

Sometimes as parents, we feel embarrassed because of our kids' behavior and the mistakes they will, of course, make from time to time. I have witnessed many parents become angry and criticize their kids in front of their teachers, classmates, and friends. I understand Asian culture in which many parents try to demonstrate their humility in front of their kids.?

"My kids are not so good," they say. "Your kids have much better behaved and more achievement than my kids…", or they openly scold their kids in front of others. Yes, the parents may feel better when they respond in this way, but they bruise or maybe destroy their kids' confidence and self-esteem. I strongly urge parents to step into their kids' little shoes and bring themselves back to that young age. Imagine these words if they came from their own parents, then use empathy to build their kids' confidence.???

What can you do when teachers call you in for your kids' mistakes??

Give your kids the benefit of the doubt and tell the teacher that you will talk to your kids and get back to the adults when you discover more details about the event or issue. Then get back to them.

Use this opportunity to discuss the issue with your kids privately. Come up with solutions to clarify the confusion and change behavior. That way, you and your child together can eliminate any similar event in the future. We bring our kids to this world and are obligated and fortunate enough to raise them healthy and happy young people. They should not become our emotional dumping ground for our embarrassments and insecurities.?

We can still discipline our children and hold them accountable for their actions without humiliating them in public. When you take care of these matters face to face with your children, calmly, in love, without losing your temper when others are around, they will respect you and understand your love.

As the authors of Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath put it this way: "Most of us are all too familiar with situations in which our Elephant overpowers our Rider."

When we feel embarrassed, our emotions–the big purple elephant–are jumping around, and our logical minds are in panic mode. Our audiences' elephants are jumping around too; they feel discomfort and concern about you.?

As the elephant rider, we need to calm down first and elevate ourselves from a single elephant rider to a super-powerful rider who can herd a large group of elephants.?

The truth is: if you are comfortable with embarrassment–whether on a stage, with your child, or anywhere else–others will be comfortable too. If you have the courage to become the empathetic leader who calms all parties' emotional elephants, then your embarrassment will turn into a decisive inspirational moment, setting you apart from the crowd.?

Can you be the leader of the elephant herd?

I love to hear your stories and the topics you like me to write about.

Dr. Liz