Rise to the occasion: The theory behind challenging your child

[Commission for Acadia Mae]

You can almost feel the love. There's an intangible glow that surrounds a parent watching their young child engrossed in a picture book for the very first time. Unlike reading, which is something of a chore for most kids, pictures offer no overt challenge to even the youngest eyes. The child just drinks it all in on their own terms: this magical milestone is a peaceful one. Depending on their stage of development, they'll enjoy colors, shapes, faces, or stories – whatever is below or equal to their skill level.

Life is a series of tasks – some simple, some complex – and each individual has the capacity to do some things better than others. Perhaps the times we feel most alive are when a task is challenging but we have all the skills required to get it done. This optimal state is what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (1990) calls flow. The term has entered common usage to describe that particular kind of engrossment in a project, when the outside world just falls away and nothing else matters.

Csikszentmihalyi divides experiences into four states. Flow is one of two positive states, the other being relaxation – when we're doing a straightforward task that we're more than competent at (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Looking at picture books is one way a child can reach this state: it doesn't matter what their skill level is, as they're under no pressure to achieve.

The two negative states are anxiety, which is when the challenge is high but the skill level is low, and apathy, a condition of low challenge and low skill (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). When a caregiver notices signs of either of these, it can help to reflect on whether the child's skill level matches the task they're involved in. Children who seem sluggish or low may be brought back to life by a parent giving them something challenging to do that is within their capabilities.

Similarly, when a young person is stressed, it may be because they've been faced with a challenge they feel they aren't cut out for. This doesn't mean the challenge should be avoided; indeed, it's the role of parents and guardians to prepare youngsters with the courage and abilities to rise to the occasion. They can also suggest more achievable interim goals as stepping stones, if the end goal appears too daunting.

When we're in the midst of performing this perpetual juggling act called life, it's not always the right time to drop everything to fully investigate a child's negative behaviors. Until that time arrives, the four states provide a simple shorthand that can empower us to broadly identify where our kids are at and point to solutions we can implement in the moment.

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Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper and Row.