Rise!

A story is told of the phoenix that when it’s about to die, it sets itself on fire and is consumed by the flames. From these flames, a new phoenix rises. What do you do when you get another panic attack? What do you do when you don’t know what trauma to heal? What do you do when your doctor tells you that there are journeys that are spiritual that we can only walk alone and rise again like the phoenix.

?Since I had the last panic attack, I immersed myself wholly in self-discovery. Knowing self is very scary but immensely rewarding. I was doing well, got off medication, was meditating well and had joined group therapy. It was quite refreshing time I must say.

In December 2022, I had gone back to the therapist and psychiatrist because I had been triggered by a death of a church member. I was perplexed and I couldn’t understand it. I had tried fighting the negative thoughts and I have come to learn that fighting negative thoughts hurts us more than we may think. I came to learn that I have a fear of loss of people around me. The fear of the unknown. Perhaps this explains my controlling behaviour, maybe not. It dawned on me that I had not fully processed the death of my father-in-law. This explained why anxiety and chest tightness was back.

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As we were beginning to explore what was going on, my mum in law passed on 17 January 2023, this was one year, five months since the passing of my father-in-law. Usually, I never react during a crisis, I go on Ferrari mode. I act and process later. I am sure psychologists would prefer the later but that’s how my brain works, I guess. Maybe I processed a little. I started asking myself why I sacrificed two holidays with my mum-in-law? Never in my married life, did I sacrifice two Christmas holidays with in-laws. This time I did, with open arms. We drove to our in-laws with the girls over Christmas, came back to work and drove back again for New Years eve. Earlier on Huduma day (or whatever it’s called nowadays), we had resumed the annual mbuzi at my father’s place since the passing of my father-in-law. It was a great family celebration where we were all back together celebrating after a long time.

Well, fast forward to 23 January 2023, we bury our mum in law. It was one of the saddest days and best days because we gave her a befitting send off. Before we could even breathe, my eldest child had to go back to school the following day. I cannot even begin to explain the pandemonium, it was a like a day in Jerusalem. All this time I was functioning on adrenalin, anxiety was there which I ignored like a bad cup of tea with sugar. Well, I took my daughter to school, and barely had the strength to drive home as my body was collapsing. The following day, I had a panic attack. I knew since I had experienced it before. Well, I couldn’t believe I was going through all this again. This time I was calm, called a friend, went did a physical body check as I was vomiting too much to rule out anything then took a cab to see my psychologist.

We concluded, I was not I where I was last year, I had greater awareness of what I was going through. The death has triggered post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I had had this term before. Thankfully I wasn’t hysterical, but my psychologist recommended I see my psychiatrist as I was over thinking (I do have ADHD anyway) and feeling overwhelmed. That’s how I got back into medication. I have traumas but none of us knew what trauma we are dealing with. The anxiety is there, it doesn’t scare me anymore. The negative thoughts don’t scare me anymore. I have increased meditation thrice in day like medication.

I am sharing this story to remind myself that I will Rise Again. I may not stop the anxiety, but it will not stop my life. As I write this, I am anxious, but I am in control. I started with three points, now I have nine. My Ferrari mind never disappoints me.

(a)?Stay close to God.

(b)?Honour God’s plan for the day: Take it one day at a time. Some days you feel joyful, others you feel exhausted. Whatever the case, honour God’s plan for the day and go along with it.

(c)??Gratitude: Be grateful you are still here. Verbalise it, sing it, whatever you need to do. Be grateful. Some days I was just grateful that I got out of bed and showered.

(d)?Take care of your physical body: Eat, drink a lot of water, sleep, move around and if you can do some light exercises do them. Repeat and repeat and repeat until you feel you have regained your strength.

(e)?Be present: For planners like me, our mind wonders and wonders and always thinks about the next thing. Well, you need to tell your mind to stop and focus. I am achieving this through meditation and journaling. Look for what works for your, painting, exercise etc. Be present, feel the sunshine, feel the wind blowing over your face, touch the leaves and enjoy the present moment.

(f)???Improve yourself, not prove yourself: There was an inner voice that started telling, “Muthoni, what will people think now”. Well, I just said, “not today, Satan, not today”. I reminded myself it’s my journey and being true to self is the biggest honour I can give myself.

(g)?Open your heart and mind to the love around you: I have received so much love and support, it’s just overwhelming. One of my closest friends would come pick me from the house and we move around to get my mind off over thinking. My family members forgot their grief to hold me. My colleagues closed the shop and surprised me at home. The moment you realise you are not alone, healing comes easily.

(h)?Some journeys are spiritual: In December 2022, I had started asking God to help me with the anxiety. I asked my psychiatrist, how do I let go? How do I stop thinking too much? I told her I don’t know. I asked her to show me how. She said, she doesn’t know and that only God can help. She recommended I read the Alchemist and I learnt something very interesting, and I quote “Tell the heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and eternity”.

(i)???Remind yourself and remember who you are: I journal a lot, I started a journal series of “Achievement by self”. I reminded and patted and hugged myself. I stood in the mirror, still stand in front of the mirror and remind myself of who I am with God. In the Alchemist, I quote again “…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that we have learnt along the way. It does this not because its evil, but so that we can in addition to achieving our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of the thirst just when the palm trees have appeared in the horizon’”.

?It is my hope that for all of us struggling inner battles that we cannot share, is to remember you share rise again. I will Rise Again! I don’t know where this journey will lead, but I am happy I am staying close to God and trusting Him. I also hope that you become your fiercest champion and friend.

?I close with my verse of the year, Isaiah 43: 18 - 19

“Do?not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

19?Behold, I will do a?new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And?rivers in the desert”.