The right and wrong way to pursue goals and resolutions

The landscape of every New Year is littered with broken resolutions. They were surely made with gusto but abandoned in days, if not in weeks. Why do we go through this repeated failure? Maybe we will get our answers to this question if we start somewhere else

Do you recollect the last instance when you changed for good or accomplished a major milestone? Recall the point when you became sure that this is going to be permanent and real. You weren’t going to regress back to old ways. You have now grown up for good.

It does not matter what the change or transition was about. You might have adopted a new exercise regimen, quit a habit, moved on from a broken relationship or gotten over bereavement. You might have kept a promise despite all odds, persisted with and completed a difficult project - in short, kept a resolution. What characterized those irreversible transformations? What mental, emotional and physical modes accompanied such transformations?

Observations

When I reflect, a “quiet but sure” demeanor rather than an “agitated exertion” seems to characterize every leap of growth. Popular portrayal has “agitated exertion” as the metaphor for pursuing difficult resolutions or goals. We can instantly recall the hero working hard to get back at those who harmed his family. A sportsman or woman pushing themselves against their own sloppy selves comes to our mind. Training programs on personal change have videos and images galore of a frowned brow, sweating forehead, clenched fist, thumped desks and a lot of “goading oneself” to do it!

In fact, this metaphor of agitated exertion can actually be counter-productive. Why?

We experience the “quiet but sure” dynamic when our whole being has embraced the exciting possibility of growth. We can’t display quiet resolve if parts of ourselves yearn, resist or feel restless. Neither can we display quiet resolve if we fervently wish for a divine hand to work it out for us. Wishing itself is an act of acknowledgement of lack of control. The acknowledgement however is not in the plain light of awareness. This is what makes the period between the wish and the outcome a period of trial. A fuller consciousness of risk and possibility is what causes our whole being to synch up. We can then move fluidly and purposefully about our goals and resolutions. Else, we are condemned to our current jerky and shaky pursuits.

Not Surprising!

Psychologists long ago posited that our sub-conscious mind has often different thoughts from the conscious mind. Lately, even in neurology, the emerging view is that we are not one integrated self, but different parts of our brain set different priorities and compete for resources. The part that happens to dominate and get the most resources seems to direct our choices at the moment. This is why we can sometimes resist ice cream and sometimes not.

When we are not sure, parts of our nervous selves fight against the other parts. Agitated exertion is the manifestation of this tension and contradiction. The man who thumps his desk is first convincing himself that he is right!

This lack of integrity between the different parts of the person is what causes everyday slips. They can be slips of the tongue, or of other inadvertent actions. It is as if the same person is going both backward and forward and hence is slipping, and often literally so. For this very same reason, slips are considered inauspicious in folklore. Recall the poet or the director portraying a slipping hero as he sets out to his final war and death.

When we forcefully push ourselves to resolve and to stick to it, the act provokes a hostile reaction. There is recoil. The suppressed emotions will find a way to re-surface and trouble us. We will soon see ourselves slipping, meandering, wishing and dreaming about the situation.

The mind has its own complexes and dynamics. It can cleverly scuttle any attempts to hustle or overpower. We need to wait till we have considered and embraced the idea or the action rationally. We have given space for all contradictory emotions to play out. When we calmly analyse our discomforts, make a genuine attempt to locate their source, commit to openly reconsider everything, we would have engaged our whole self. We may even re-decide our position. What is wrong with it?

Re-consider what you are doing to yourself

Haven’t we felt silly in the “commit to action” portion in one of those personal growth and development workshops? The facilitator asked us to verbalize our commitment to everyone in the group. Didn’t we all feel this to be over-dramatized and silly?  

Let us remove the hard-hitting, self-reproaching ways to making progress on our goals. They may be good for inciting a mob into violence. They are no good for making the subtle maneuvers required to progress on our personal goals.

Another counter-scientific practice in personal change is making our goals public – to friends and even strangers with whom we are getting developed. When we make our goals public and request friends to sound an alarm when we deviate, we are actually complicating matters than helping ourselves. One of two things is likely to happen when we do this.

Stating our goals and fantasizing about them will substitute for real action. Or else, to get out of the embarrassment we will invent excuses.

We will either pattern our interactions around these excuses or indulge in ritualistic half attempts to work things out. Or we may substitute vain glorious fantasizing for the real action. None of these help you make progress.

In Conclusion

We must instead be gentle with ourselves and ask, what made me slip? Why am I reluctant to take this action or embrace this possibility? Where is my discomfort coming from? It is only when we answer this question slowly, deliberately, clearly, privately, honestly and without rushing to harsh judgments about ourselves, that we have a chance of keeping our next resolution.

Do you agree?

SAGE has recently published my book, “Happiness at work: Mindfulness, Analysis and Well-being”. In this book I discuss how the principles of psychology and mindfulness can be applied to improve our life satisfaction and well-being. It can be ordered at https://www.amazon.in/Happiness-Work-Mindfulness-Analysis-Well-being/dp/9352808053/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538457436&sr=8-1&keywords=9789352808052

Gratefully acknowledge the cover image from quotesideas.com