The Right Way to Build Authentic Connections

"This is my friend Shriya, she knows, like, everyone in tech"

I was at a party and my friend introduced me with the above sentence. I was shocked and a little embarrassed—how did I create this impression? I had only moved to the Bay Area a little over a year before and spent most of my time working in a basement office in Palo Alto at a startup with only 3 people on the team. I wasn't from a big CS school like Stanford, MIT or Penn. And I hadn't worked at any of the huge companies that launch many careers like Google, Amazon, Microsoft or Facebook.

So, how did my friend still think that I knew "like, everyone"?

Without completely realizing what I had been doing, I had spent over four years trying to make friends and connections in the tech industry because I felt like I "had to". It was only when I felt that I had established a sizable network that I realized that many people around me didn't take the steps that I did. Rather than being behind, I ended up ahead!

If you feel lost and unsure of how to build authentic connections rather than shallow "professional contacts", here are some tips on how to get started:

1. DO join tech sub-networks on social media platforms to learn more about the tech industry & meet interesting people. I've had massive success with interest-based Facebook groups and I know friends who utilized Twitter, Slack groups, Google+ or other networks to a similar effect. Do a quick search for something you're interested in and join a few groups! Some that I love are Ladies Storm Hackathons (Facebook), Tech Ladies (Facebook), Women in Product (Facebook), Women of Color in Tech - Bay Area (Facebook), XX+UX (Google+), and my favorite tech people on follow Twitter are Anil Dash, Nicole Zhu, Bianca Laurie, and Bo Ren.
2. DO seek out people that you want to meet because of a concrete experience rather than a vague interest. It's tough to know where to steer the conversation if the only reason you want to talk to someone is "whoa you're really cool". The best thing to do after you meet someone at a tech event, talk to them in a Facebook group, or are introduced over email via a mutual connection is pick out 1 or 2 of their experiences you are most interested in. Do you research on their LinkedIn and personal site if they have one, and no matter how amazing the person seems, remember that they're just a person (like you)! It's a lot easier on their end to answer the question "How did you position yourself to get a job at somewhere as exclusive and fast-growing as Airbnb?" than "Omigawd, you've done such cool stuff! I want to be you, haha! What do I do?"
3. DO connect with your peers in college, or if you've graduated, check out alumni in your industry—you may be surprised! I wasn't too connected to other CS majors at Tufts during undergrad, but as an alum that connection was enough to get the conversation started with other Tufts grads in tech. If your school had even a small tech presence, that number will be multiplied when you go on LinkedIn and look at alumni from the past 10 or 15 years. Having that connection is a great way to start a conversation with someone you otherwise don't know.
4. DO prioritize face-to-face, then video chat, then phone connections over email or social media. I put the first tip first for a reason—I think social media is the easiest way to make lots of connections when you are starting from zero, no matter your location or level of experience. That said, the best way to really strengthen those contacts is by meeting up, ideally face-to-face. If someone is located in a different city or country, video chat is the next best thing. We can't help but feel more connected to other humans when we meet them in real life, and it's not just a slight difference in depth, it's a massive one! The only way you'll really develop a deeper professional relationship is through meeting face-to-face.
5. DO run or help run in-person events if you're trying to meet other people in tech in a city. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I had never been on the West Coast outside of a handful of short vacations with my parents. I know many other tech hopefuls who are in exactly the same position. How do you make friends? How do you meet people in tech outside of work? The most effective thing for me was organizing monthly brunches for young women in tech via the Ladies Storm Hackathons Bay Area Facebook group. When you are the organizer, you put yourself in a leadership role by default. Because the attendees see your name and face, ask you for details, and look to you for guidance, you earn the respect of others (well, as long as you're a good host!) and that stays in their memory for months or years to come. Running the event also makes you much more likely to remember a higher percentage of attendees, and if you're hosting something at a tech office or related to recruitment, you can make valuable connections at companies that can help in a future job search.
6. DO give yourself leadership positions if you're having trouble convincing others to give them to you. This is the most challenging and time-consuming of all of the techniques, but it's also by far the most valuable. In college, I was frustrated that many of the clubs and organizations I was in had a seniority-based leadership model. It made sense, but I didn't want to wait until senior year to experience the challenge and responsibility of running an organization. I also felt very disconnected from the startup community. I ended up creating an organization to connect undergraduate women across the country & help us work together to create startups. While the organization itself did not grow to have much of an impact, the act of creating something from scratch and telling people about it led me to connections which opened to floodgates of the tech community. I wouldn't have known about Ladies Storm Hackathons at its inception, so I wouldn't have known about Hackathon Hackers at its inception, and I may not have met my amazing friends who co-created the Spectra Hackathon with me. I wouldn't have made the connection to a recruiter who led me to another recruiter who introduced me to my first job! Creating something that you think should exist in the world is the best way to meet people who share the same ambitions and goals as you, or who can help on your journey to reach them.

I hope those tips gave you the confidence and guidance to get started! Here are some commonly recommended practices or things you'll frequently encounter that I would highly encourage you not to do:

1. DON'T make them do all the work or ask for something unreasonable. Going to a tech meetup and handing a stranger your business card, having a shallow 2-minute conversation, and then walking away is not going to land you your dream job. Asking Sheryl Sandberg to come to your favorite coffee shop and give you 2 hours of free-form life advice is not going to happen. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about a reasonable, actionable, and small ask—Could you go to their office and get a tour so you can see what their company is like? Could you talk to them on the phone for 20 minutes and discuss if your career goals would be a good fit for the team they lead? Could you meet them for coffee for 30 mins next to their workplace to ask about their day-to-day work? Do the legwork for them, keep the ask short and sweet, and you'll have lots of good luck connecting with accomplished people.
2. DON'T treat the other person like a collection of titles and possible connections, rather than a real human with a personality and interests. People can smell it from a mile away when someone is only interested in talking to them or "befriending" them for potentially lucrative connections. People with more experience are often aware that this technique doesn't work, but sometimes students don't realize how shallow they seem if they chase after a brand-name rather than a person. Even if you have a dream company in mind and want to talk to people who work there, get to know them as a person before you meet! What was their job before? Did you both play the same sport in college? Who is their favorite person to work with? Bring those aspects into the conversation, and talk to them as a friend instead of a human resume. Keep the golden rule in mind and you'll be a much more likable person.
3. DON'T get too personal with people before you have gotten to know them. A professional coffee meeting is not the time to complain about your annoying coworker, messy roommate, or boy problems. Even though the tech industry is casual, you're still ultimately looking to discuss career paths, professional interests, and ambitions. Make sure not to steer the conversation too far from those topics, otherwise, you'll look at your phone and realize 30 minutes have passed, and all you two did was talking about the best brunch spots in the city. It's a balancing act between this bullet point and the previous one!
4. DON'T ask people to "pick their brain". This phrase has been overused and sounds like the conversation is going to be unquestionably one-sided—like you want to extract as much advice as you can get from them and then walk away. Experienced leaders enjoy being a mentor to more junior people in their industry who seem promising because they could hire them in the future or help guide them as they rise up the ranks. They enjoy sharing their knowledge and experience, but only if they really think that you'll use it! Instead of using this kind of phrase, talk the way you would to an older cousin or friend's older sibling—respectful but still friendly & real.
5. DON'T overwhelm yourself with small favors. This has been a big one for me. One of the best ways to build a positive reputation in the tech industry, strengthen professional connections, and "pay it forward" to those who are just starting out is with small favors. Small favors can be many things—and introduction to a close contact, advice choosing between two job offers, tips on how to do something like plan a hackathon, reviewing a resume, etc. It's not about owing someone a favor, but more about being a helpful person, increasing your own knowledge and spreading good will. Unfortunately, it's easy to go overboard, so make sure you sign up for less than you think you can manage rather than more.

Good luck! I know you'll be amazing if you are true to yourself, focused, and kind.

If these tips helped you out, let me know with a comment. And if your company is hiring Software Engineers or Front End Developers, I'm looking for new opportunities: email is sneva831@gmail.com. :) Thanks for reading!