Right people need not justify

It was like a project for me everyday. Sometimes at 11 PM and some times 9 PM but it is a set of tasks that was started after a tragedy and has been continuing for the last few weeks. Irrespective of the mental and physical pains I experienced, I try my best not to look at this as a painful activity but recently I was feeling tough to continue. Today it was evening shift when I needed to wait for 15 more minutes to hand over to the next shift. By the time I came out of the plant where I work on shift basis, it already crossed 10.45 PM. Driving my two wheeler for a distance of 70 KM on the bad roads of Farakka-Malda highway-West Bengal, takes me around 2 hours to reach the hospital. As I am used to it, the formalities didnt take much time before I went in to ice box. Rathore's body was there like sleeping peacefully. Even after this many days, It is still difficult for me and all my friends to believe that he is no more after that painful end 90 days ago.

Rathore, Vishal, bedade and Sanjay are all good friends since we joined NTPC in New Delhi , followed by training in Ramagundra and than posting in Farakka Plant. We were all from other states hence we became friends quickly. All of us hated the locals probably because we were jealous about them being in their own state :). There were many other things common to strengthen our friendship, we had common interests like IES and IPS and all of us were working in Shifts as the plant runs 24X7 basis. Rathore was the youngest among all and was always cheerful. His best love was his newly purchased bike. He never allowed us even to touch and allowed only sitting behind him while he was riding the bike. Farakka being a dry place for entertainment, our nearest place to cheer up is Malda 70 km away from our place. Whenever we have a common holiday we go together to spend the day watching movies, eating in good hotel and doing some shopping. One of such days proved to be a bad day for all of us.

We were all coming back from Malda. It was still bright sunny day. On the 3 KM Farakka barrage, the guys decided to go for a race on who will reach the other end first. It was all going fine, till Rathore didnt find time to slow down to avoid some mustard seeds lying on the road. He could not negotiate the skid of the vehicle, his head fell on the foot path, much worse was that he was not wearing helmet. Rathore went unconscious. Only we knew how we could get him to the scarcely equipped Company hospital. Very quickly he was referred to Calcutta hospital. Our General Manager was very helpful and gave approvals for the best treatment. But Rathore never got back to his senses. Very rarely he woke up and even in senses he could not recognize any one. I knew his parents are old and heart patients. Rathore being the last son, they loved him more than anyone else. Giving this information can be more risky to the parents so they were not informed. Till the end, we were all hoping that Rathore will come back as a normal man and thats when I thought I can inform his parents. But after struggling for weeks doctors declared him dead by all means. Before that there was a dilemma when there was a issue of decision about making his clinical death. It was more tough when his parents were are around. In all this, I realized I was getting in to more trouble by keeping all his relatives in the dark about the sequence of events including Rathore's death. And I was finding more difficult to take the courage of facing his parents when things were slipping more and more.

Biggest problem we four friends had was about what and how to manage the communication with the parents with Rathore already dead. It was difficult to postpone any further. We however took a call to keep Rathores body for some time and find the right time to communicate his parents. Thats when this epidode started. We four used to go to Malda every day to change the ice over the body of Rathore and return. All the way, we used to be silent with lot of memories of Rathore with each of us. After a week Vishal said he had a commitment to family in one night and dropped. He however could never join us after the day. Bedade too found an issue and said he needed to sleep with the family as they are getting scared to sleep without him. It was a strong reason that can justify his exit from our activity for rest of the life as ice had to be changed in the night Very soon in next 1,2 weeks I realized I am alone to do this activity. I am still bachelor while these guys got married one by one.

Going alone and doing this activity in the middle of many dead bodies was difficult for many reasons. Doing the task is important. On the other side, controlling emotions at the same time was challenging. More than these two, the guilty feeling of not letting the parents aware of the tragedy was difficult to avoid. When I look at Rathore's face I feel like a culprit being responsible for this entire mess. Many thoughts like what if he wore the helmet, or if we didnt go for such a crazy race and even thoughts like why did we go to Malda. Some other time, I used to think why didnt I inform the parents on the day the accident happened and why I needed to worry about them more than anyone else. Another painful development is that, I didnt have anyone to discuss and share my feelings because once they skipped joining me in this activity my friends stopped communicating with me even otherwise. Probably they knew meeting me or talking to me will raise Rathore's topic more than anything else.

Somehow for the umpteenth time, I finished my task, completed the formalities to return. While coming back it was about 2 AM. There was nothing to eat at home. I may find something to cook and eat only to spend time till morning without sleeping. With all such crazy thoughts I reached my bachelor hostel. By than I decided to sleep immediately once entered in the room.

But something scary was awaiting me. I closed my door and washed my feet to get to bed and thats when I started hearing a strange noise outside the window. I could not make out what is that sound, but it was like some one calling me outside the window with a heavy voice. My heart stopped for a while. What can it be? I stood like a statue and wondering how to react. Should I open the window? Or should I run out of the room? Will it be better if I wake up the other guys or call the security guard? I didnt have courage to do any of them. The sound was continuous and increasing the decibels as if shouting on me to open the windows even though I could not figure out what is that voice trying to convey. My mind was getting blank and suddenly heard something, was it Rathore?

"Khaderao, my deal Khaderao! Why did you do this to me?"

Is this Rathore? Am I hearing right? My body was full of sweat and my feet started shivering.

"Why did you keep my body like this without doing the rituals? Why didnt you inform my parents? I want them to know about me and cry. Thats how they can relieve themselves from the pain that may occur to them. I thought you are my friend. Never thought you will do this to me. Do you think people will never die? Why do you want to hide? Or do you want to take over my belongings in the room? You can still take them. but inform my parents"

I suddenly got to my senses.

Did I hear anything or was it my illusion? the unending noise outside the window says it is not a dream or illusion.

I decided to face it. I took the paper weight on my table, keeping weight handy to apply on the enemy went to the window and quickly opened the door!!!

I found no one.

???

From where is this noise coming? I slowly and carefully looked outside.

.........................

In the dark after looking at all surroundings outside, I realized! The noise was actually coming from the next room. I recollected there was a new entry in the room next to me. My new neighbour seemed to be snoring horrible. It was heavy, with multiple frequencies and from distance it was as if some one was talking.

Hmm!!!. I was hearing the noise of snoring! I was scared for no reason.

Than? What was the voice telling me to do the rituals? Was not it Rathore?

I could not think beyond. When I woke up in the morning it was about 9 AM. I quickly got ready and met my friends in the hostel itself. To my agony, the reactions were strange. One said, why the hell I got in to this mess. Some other said, I deserved this as tried to be a hero without thinking of consequences. Finally one guy even told that unless I had vested interest why would I do this. I tried to explain. But then while having lunch, while in the plant I was seeing many people looking at me like a peculiar creature, stopping conversations once I enter. I wanted to explain each of them. But they were not saying anything directly to me but I was sure they are talking about me, some laughing, some cursing me, some looking at me with disgust. I might be imagining some times, but not always. It made my life more miserable.

I finally went to the Pundit of the temple in township. I told him about Rathore's soul talking to me and what the soul spoke to me. Also about what the guys were talking about me.

The Pundit heard me patiently and without laughing at me like others, he said:

"My Son, why are you feeling guilty and trying to explain and justify to everyone ?"

I was puzzled and said "No Sir. I am not guilty and even if guilty I didnt do any wrong intentionally. I thought I have to explain what thought process I followed while taking the decision"

"Did any one ask you to explain?"

"No. But they might be thinking I did wrong"

"My dear innocent son. You Yourself going on own and explaining is the reason why you are losing peace. Did you have any bad intention while doing this?"

"No. Never. And that was also painful when they are all discussing but not trying to hear my version. All I was trying is to ensure no one misunderstands me"

"Once again... you will justify, clarify and explain when you are wrong. If you are not wrong why should you worry. Do you think people are convinced once you explained? "

"...."

"Do you think You can convince every Tom Dick and Harry?"

"....."

"It is your own thought which made your hear non-existing voice of Rathore. If Rathore's soul really meets you, it will overwhelmingly thank you for all the effort you put for his body as well as for his loving parents. You might have misunderstood or you might have told the parents about the tragedy. But your intentions were good So why to feel guilty?"

I opened my mouth. "Panditji! what should I do now?"

"Do the divine work that you have been doing all these days. On this specific issue, check if there are other relatives who can digest and take the burden of conveying to your friend's parents in appropriate manner. Let them come and take over the body as well as belongings of Rathore. Participate in the rituals and ensure the soul is happy. Finally never worry about what people think about bad that you never did. Let your so called friends who left you alone all these days explain and justify what they did or didnt do to you and your friend."

I thanked the Pandit and left with lightened heart.

No need to justify when I did no wrong. Let me remember this through out my life.

**************************End******************************

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Disclaimer: I have been writing the blogs in the style of story telling based on real incidents but with some fiction added to emphasize the message. Hence I request not to make any conclusions to derive facts based on the posts in these articles.