The "Right Advice" but the Wrong Way?

As parents, friends, colleagues, managers, consultants, coaches etc we all want to help people but giving advice and helping people isnt easy.

Have You Ever Given the Right Advice the Wrong Way?

Have you ever tried to give advice, thinking you were helping, only for it to fall flat? Maybe you were certain your advice was spot on, yet the person you were speaking to just didn't seem to get it—or worse, they pushed back. It’s frustrating, right? And the problem often isn’t the advice itself, but how it’s delivered. Good advice can go wrong if it’s given at the wrong time, in the wrong way, or without the right connection between you and the person you're speaking to.

Giving advice is more than just telling someone what to do. It’s about understanding the moment, the person’s state of mind, and how to communicate effectively. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. This means timing, empathy, soft skills, and building trust all play a huge role in how well your advice will land.

The Power of Soft Skills: Timing, Tone, and Listening

The first thing to understand is that soft skills are essential when giving advice. It’s not just about sharing knowledge—it’s about connecting with someone in a way that makes them feel heard, understood, and supported. Timing, for example, is crucial. Even the best advice can go unnoticed if it’s given at the wrong time. If someone’s feeling overwhelmed or emotional, they might not be ready to hear what you have to say. If your advice feels like a 'one-size-fits-all' solution, it might come off as cold or dismissive.

Take grief, for instance. If someone has just lost a loved one and you tell them to “look on the bright side,” your intention might be to help them, but it can feel tone-deaf. They’re not ready to hear it because they’re still processing their emotions. When someone’s not emotionally ready, offering advice too soon can make them feel like their pain isn’t being acknowledged. The right advice, given in the wrong moment, can push them further away.

Timing aside, your tone and body language matter just as much. A calm, gentle tone signals that you’re offering support, not criticism. How you say something can be just as important as what you say. It’s a bit like the difference between giving a suggestion and sounding like you’re telling someone what to do. No one likes to feel like they’re being ordered around, especially when they’re in a vulnerable place.

Context and Readiness: Is the Person Ready to Listen?

Context is also key. If someone is struggling with a problem in one area of their life—say, their career—it might not be helpful to offer advice about their personal relationships. It might feel out of place or irrelevant to their current struggles. When giving advice, you need to be mindful of the person’s immediate needs and the challenges they’re facing at the moment. If they’re dealing with a personal crisis, they might not be ready to take on advice about something unrelated.

On top of that, every person is at a different stage in their journey. Someone might not yet be aware of the changes they need to make, or they might be in denial about their situation. You could be offering the most sound advice, but if the person isn't ready to hear it, it won’t make much of a difference. For example, someone battling addiction might not be ready to hear that they need professional help until they fully recognise the problem themselves. Giving advice too early or without understanding their readiness can cause resistance rather than change.

Building Trust and Rapport: The Foundation for Effective Advice

Perhaps the most important element in giving advice is trust. Without it, the advice will likely fall on deaf ears. If the person doesn’t trust you or feel like you genuinely care about their well-being, they’re not going to listen. Building that trust takes time, consistency, and genuine connection. You can’t expect someone to take advice from you if they haven’t felt supported by you before.

This is where rapport comes in. Rapport is about building a relationship where both people feel comfortable and understood. If someone feels like you’re genuinely listening to them, rather than just waiting to speak, they’re more likely to listen when it’s your turn to speak. Active listening—where you show that you’re paying attention and care about their feelings—is crucial.

And it’s not just about what you say; it’s also about how you say it. Non-verbal communication, such as your body language and eye contact, plays a big role in building rapport. Mirroring, which is when you subtly match the other person’s posture or tone, can also make them feel more at ease with you. If they feel like you understand them on a deeper level, they’ll be much more likely to accept your advice when it’s given.

Credibility: Why People Need to Trust You

Along with rapport and trust, credibility is essential. If you want people to take your advice seriously, you need to have credibility—both in terms of knowledge and integrity. If your advice is solid but you haven’t built trust, it’s less likely to be acted upon. On the other hand, if you’ve proven yourself as someone who is reliable, honest, and genuinely concerned for their well-being, your words will carry much more weight.

Credibility doesn’t just come from your expertise. It also comes from how consistent and trustworthy you’ve been in your relationship with the person. If you’ve shown that you can be relied upon in the past, people will be more inclined to listen when you offer advice.

The Right Advice, Given the Right Way

I’ve certainly been guilty of giving the “right” advice at the wrong time. One experience stands out: A close friend of mine was going through a tough breakup. I, being someone who’d experienced similar heartache, thought I was helping by saying things like, “Focus on the positives” or “You’ll be fine, just move on.” But what I didn’t realise was that they weren’t ready to hear that. They were still in the midst of their emotional pain, and my advice felt rushed and dismissive. It wasn’t that my advice was wrong—it was that I hadn’t taken their emotional state into account. I hadn’t built enough trust or rapport to be heard in that moment.

What I’ve learned from this is that giving advice is more of an art than a science. It’s about connecting with the other person, understanding where they’re coming from, and knowing when they’re ready for the guidance you have to offer. You need to listen carefully, be mindful of the timing, and always consider the person’s emotional readiness. Offering advice without considering all these factors can backfire.

In the end, advice is most helpful when it’s delivered with empathy, patience, and a deep understanding of the other person’s needs. Building a strong relationship, showing genuine care, and timing your words carefully can make all the difference in whether your advice is heard and acted upon. So next time you give advice, take a moment to ask yourself: "Am I offering this at the right time? Have I built enough trust for them to listen?"

What's even more powerful than giving advice?

Helping people arrive at the right answers themselves is often more powerful than simply giving advice. This approach not only fosters deeper understanding but also builds a sense of ownership and empowerment in the person seeking guidance. It’s an art rooted in active listening, asking thoughtful questions, and gently guiding the conversation so the individual can uncover their own insights.

Why It Works:

1. Ownership and Commitment:
2. Deeper Understanding:
3. Empowerment:
4. Respect and Trust:

How to Do It Effectively:

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” ask ones that encourage reflection. For example:
2. Use Gentle Probes: If someone struggles to find clarity, gently guide them with questions that nudge their thinking:
3. Reframe Their Perspective: Help them see the situation differently without imposing your own view. For instance:
4. Validate Their Thoughts: Even as you guide, affirm their ideas and feelings to build their confidence:
5. Provide Subtle Guidance: If needed, share a suggestion as a prompt rather than a directive:

Why It’s Powerful:

When people uncover solutions on their own, they not only feel more invested in the outcome, but they also gain skills for future problem-solving. This method builds their confidence and resilience while deepening your bond with them. Instead of being someone who simply hands out answers, you become a trusted ally who empowers them to grow.

Ultimately, helping someone discover their own answers fosters lasting change. Solutions that come from within are always stronger because they’re aligned with the person’s values, beliefs, and unique perspective. By asking the right questions and guiding with care, you help them unlock their potential and take ownership of their growth.