Rhetoric spicier than biryani, morality bland as roti

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The season of elections is again around us – or is it? As mysteries go, this one not only takes the cake but perhaps the whole bakery! After a lot of smoke and mirrors – the date is set, the contestants are ready and the Election Commission of Pakistan is in action! Pun intended.

Ah, Pakistani elections – what can one say about them? Perhaps not much, perhaps a lot – it depends on your point of view and whether you are “maqbool” or more importantly, “qabool”! That’s right people, popularity is not the only barometer of success nowadays. In the land of cookery shows, where chicken-stuffing goes hand in hand with ballot-stuffing, this election season promises to be at-least as outrageous as the previous one. It’s a once in a lifetime spectacle which is as grand as the Himalayas, as chaotic as the Rawalpindi Rush Hour and as morally ambiguous as a politician’s promise. It’s a time when scruples become as arrow straight as fresh jalebi, principles go missing just like missing persons and the only given is the eager hurling of abuse and accusations like rotten eggs and overripe tomatoes thrown at a sub-par concert in Alhamra Arts Council. Buckle up, stow your dinner trays, close your overhead compartments and prepare for a satirical trip through the election jungle. Ably guided, I might add, by a captain – of the plane of course!

Let’s meet the contenders. In the blue corner, we have the seasoned politicians with years of experience – or should it be inexperience? – under their belt. Their faces as stoic as the mountains of Balochistan and emotions as arid as the outskirts of Tharparkar. This election cycle – they look like deer caught in the headlights. Wondering, what happened to their old brand of politics and what are these new age demons called Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram and X (formerly Twitter – curses to you Elon Musk!). In the absence of any new ideas, all they can do is promise development so rapid that it will make the F1 look slow. Their understanding of politics now as in vogue as the ruins of Mohenjo-daro and Harrapa. Unable, clueless and outdated – they are looking for anything or anyone to help them cross the finish line for the umpteenth time and have yet another stab at serving the electorate. Lord, have mercy on the people!

In the red corner, we find the new entrants. Only that most of them have their elders in the blue corner, their dynastic links as thick as the fog on the Lahore-Pindi motorway! They are the fresh blood – with a fire in their heart and a family fortune in their pocket – out to bring change, end corruption and reform the frat house. The lads adorned with the latest shalwar kameez from J. and the lasses draped in designer dupattas from Sana Safinaz – that’s the extent of my fashion knowledge – but both out to wow the public through social media and social messaging. They truly understand the notion of public servants and want to serve the masses, after all they have a lot of servants at home. Their expectations are as high as Nanga Parbat and their will to work as high as the flatlands of Punjab.

In the green corner – green turbans anyone? – we discover the obligatory piety brigade. They have this uncanny ability to whip-up a frenzy even in the dullest of scenarios and much kudos to them for it. With half a mind on the halwa to be served and the other on the new golden Rolex just launched, the are adept at the art of not practicing what they preach. Just like almost everyone else, they are also seasoned contortionists who can back the prevailing winds in any which directions they are asked to and that too without much of a charge – bless their hearts. Left to them there would be free burqas for all, education for only the proud recipient of the XY chromosome pair and worry beads given out with every plate of biryani when you vote.

Lastly, we have the corner that shall not be named. The less said about it, the better. Thus, I only say this: all three previous contenders pale in comparison to the magnificence and efficiency on offer here. These are the true harbingers of power who can set things in motion while having morning chai and whose whispers are more influential than those of an energetic Friday preacher. Enough said.

The unsung heroes of this episode are the voters, dear reader. Fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me. If that idiom was exercised publicly then there would be a lot of shame to go around. But in true Pakistani fashion, their spirit as grand as the Khunjerab Pass, the Pakistani voters will queue for hours in the hope that this time it will be different or that the alternative maybe unthinkable. With the mark of indelible ink as a battle scar, they will regale their friends with their stories of the voting day. How they stood up for democracy, how they overcame all odds for the future of their children, how they put the country first. All the while, forgetting to mention the transport that came out of nowhere to take them to the polling station or the plate of biryani and nan-qeema that was on offer at the voting booth.

Other notables of this circus include the media – the actual watchdogs – indulging in paid puff pieces and waxing lyrically for one or the other while ignoring the critical questions to be asked. The justice system, where expediency takes the front seat and the blindfold only taken-off for the chosen few. The money, which passes hands like hugs at Eid and falls down on the lucky like a downpour in monsoons. What about morality you may ask? It is as elusive as a straight answer from any of our contenders and as over-hyped as the release of the new Lollywood flick.

In the end, election day comes and goes. The counting of votes – sometimes needed, sometimes a mere formality – is a saga of its own with more twists and turns than a whirling dervish. Victors are declared, losers are wronged, outrage showcased and ultimate result achieved: legitimacy gained, even if it is full of holes and doubt.

But put fear to rest – it’s all a grand performance where the pure audaciousness of the extravaganza, the shameless U-turns, the unremorseful self-interest, the unabashed hypocrisy is enough to split your sides with laughter. Till the time when the seriousness of the issues raises its ugly head – the laughter gets stuck in your throat, the irony weighs down your soul and the satire chokes your strength. And so it should and you are not alone because even from the darkest hell of this spectacle there is some shimmering hope – ordinary self-respecting citizens tired of the status quo, youth empowered by technology and demanding accountability, electorate about to peek behind the curtain.

For now – keep your sense of humour, temper your expectations with a dose of scepticism, enjoy sarcasm as it is meant to be and relish the morality of this election cycle with a healthy dose of cynicism. Above all – sit back, sip your chai, have a samosa and enjoy the show.

Published in Daily Times