Review: Never Split The Difference

Today, I'm delving into?"Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It" by Chris Voss. This book is a masterclass in negotiation, offering practical strategies based on Voss's experiences as an FBI hostage negotiator.

Key Concepts:

- The art of negotiation: a dance of words and emotions.

- Empathy as a tool: understanding the other person's perspective.

- Tactical empathy: using empathy strategically in negotiations.

- The power of "No": turning a negative into a positive.

1. Mirroring:?This technique involves repeating the last few words of the speaker's sentences, which encourages them to continue talking and provide more information. It's a subtle way of saying, "I'm listening, and I want to understand your perspective." This can be used during project meetings to encourage team members to share their ideas and concerns. For instance, when discussing project timelines, mirroring a team member's statement like, "So, you're saying we need two more weeks to complete this task?" can prompt them to provide more context or alternative solutions. It's a way of fostering open communication and promoting a culture of collaboration.

2. Labeling: This is the act of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it. For example, saying "It sounds like you're frustrated" can help diffuse tension and open up the conversation. It's a way of showing empathy and understanding, which can be incredibly powerful in building trust and rapport. This can be used to validate the emotions of stakeholders, helping to build trust and open lines of communication. For example, during a project review meeting with a project sponsor who seems dissatisfied, saying, "It seems like you're not completely satisfied with the progress," can help bring underlying issues to the surface.

3. The "Late Night FM DJ Voice": Voss suggests using a calm, soft voice to instill a sense of tranquility and trust in the conversation. This technique can be particularly effective when dealing with heated situations or difficult stakeholders. It's about setting the tone and creating an environment conducive to open, honest communication. Effective for calming tense situations, such as when a project is behind schedule or over budget. For instance, when delivering the news of a project delay to a client, using a calm and composed voice can help to mitigate their frustration and keep the conversation productive.

4. The "That's Right" Breakthrough: According to Voss, getting the other person to say "that's right" in acknowledgment of your point of view is a breakthrough moment in any negotiation. It shows that they feel heard and understood, which can pave the way for more productive discussions. It's not about winning an argument; it's about reaching a mutual understanding. This can be used to gain buy-in from team members and stakeholders on project decisions. For example, when proposing a new project idea to leadership, explaining the rationale in a way that gets them to say, "That's right, this could improve our efficiency," signals you are taking a step in the right direction.

5. The "7-38-55 Percent Rule": This rule refers to the balance of communication elements - 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language. Being aware of this can help you better interpret the messages others are conveying and adjust your own communication for maximum impact. It's a reminder that communication is not just about what you say, but how you say it.?This can be used to better understand the needs and concerns of team members, stakeholders, and vendors. For example, during a negotiation with a vendor, paying attention to their tone of voice and body language, in addition to their words, can provide valuable insights into their priorities and reservations. Job interviewers sometimes bring in a second person solely for the purposes of observing the interviewee's tone of voice and body language.

6. The "Bend Their Reality" Strategy: This strategy involves using time and empathy to your advantage. By showing empathy, you can make the other person feel valued and understood. By controlling the pace of the negotiation, you can create a sense of urgency or calm depending on what the situation requires. It's about shaping the narrative and guiding the conversation in a direction that benefits all parties involved. This can be used to manage project timelines and deliverables. For example, when a project is running behind schedule, or facing risks, showing empathy towards the team's challenges and creating a sense of urgency can motivate them to find solutions and accelerate progress.

7. The "Ackerman Model": This is a bargaining strategy that involves setting a target price, then reducing your offer in decreasing increments. It's a powerful tool for reaching a mutually beneficial agreement. It's a strategic approach to negotiation that requires patience, persistence, and a keen understanding of human behavior. Can be used during contract negotiations with vendors. For instance, when negotiating the price of a software license, starting with a low offer and gradually increasing it in small increments can lead to a favorable outcome without damaging the relationship with the vendor.

Professional Experience:

In my role as an IT Project Manager, I've found these strategies to be incredibly effective. Voss's strategies are like a multi-tool in a survival kit. The techniques are easy to understand and apply, and they've helped me to navigate the complex world of negotiation with team members, stakeholders, and vendors. By understanding and empathizing with their perspectives, I've been able to build stronger relationships and achieve better outcomes. Below are couple of real examples:

Mirroring: I once had a team member who was hesitant about sharing his ideas during meetings. During one particular meeting, I heard him muttering when we were discussing an issue we were facing with our vendor delivering hardware late. I decided to use the mirroring technique to encourage him to share his thoughts. I echoed his last few words, saying, "John (not his real name), you mentioned something about maybe check with Steve (not real name)?" This prompted him to elaborate on his idea to borrow the hardware we need from Steve's team, and we can backfill once our delivery arrives. Finding out from John that Steve's team had spares was our "black swan", a piece of information that is unknown or overlooked but has the potential to change the outcome when discovered. This turned out to be a game-changer for the project, and we were able to totally mitigate the risk.

Labeling: During a critical phase of an application migration project, we were facing a significant challenge of resource shortage. Some of the engineers had become sick, so the remainder of the team was trying their best to pick up the slack. My project, along with others, was behind schedule, and the pressure was mounting on the remaining engineers. Our lead engineer, let's call him Alex, was particularly affected. He was working long hours, juggling multiple tasks, and the his stress was evident. During a team meeting, Alex's frustration boiled over. He was curt, dismissive of suggestions, and his professional hostility was on display. It was clear that his behavior was a symptom of his stress and not his usual demeanor. I decided to address the issue offline, after the meeting and away from the rest of the team. I invited Alex for a coffee break. I started the conversation by using the labeling technique. I said, "Alex, it seems like you're really frustrated and overworked right now." By labeling his emotions, I acknowledged his feelings, which immediately diffused some of his hostility. Alex confirmed and responded, "Yes, I am. I feel like I'm fighting fires all the time, and I am working late every night." I labeled again to dig deeper, "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with the current workload you've taken on." Alex opened up more, sharing his concerns about the technical challenges, the tight deadlines, and the impact of the stress. He felt he was carrying too much of the burden and was considering saying he is sick too.

Having started a dialogue, we brainstormed potential solutions. We discussed redistributing some of his tasks by bringing in off shore resources that can take a handoff overnight. We went a step further and adjusted the project plan with more realistic deadlines, and received approval. Alex appreciated that his concerns were heard and addressed.

Final Thoughts:

"Never Split the Difference" is more than just a book about negotiation. It's a guide to effective communication, problem-solving, and leadership. The strategies it presents are practical, actionable, and incredibly effective. No matter what role you are in, from individual contributor to leader, I highly recommend this book. It's a resource that will not only enhance your professional skills but also enrich your personal interactions. As an IT Project Manager, these strategies have not only improved overall communication and leadership abilities. I highly recommend "Never Split the Difference" anyone looking to level up their communication techniques.

To learn more about the techniques in "Never Split the Difference", you can visit the Black Swan Group website, where you can find resources, training, and coaching on negotiation. https://www.blackswanltd.com/

Have you used any of the techniques from "Never Split the Difference"? If so, how have they worked for you? Share in the comments below.