Revenge Bliss: The Hidden Response to Fear of Failure (and 3 ways to deal)
Dr Katherine I.
Keynote Speaker & Shoe-Lover | Delivering motivational keynotes to help leaders spend less time in their heads so they can make a bigger impact within your organisation.
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Introduction
I call them revenge bliss behaviours.?
They’re the behaviours you choose to give a double middle finger to the world when things are going far from fabulously.
Maybe you’ve had a disappointing week.
Maybe an unexpected curve ball has hit you where it hurts.
Maybe you’re just pissed off when you think “shouldn’t I be further ahead in life by now?”
So there I was. Saturday, 1pm and I’m on the couch watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
I may or may not be eating chocolate chip cookies as my wholesome, nutritious lunch.
I also may or may not be stalking my partner using a GPS app. It’s called 360. No, not in a jealous girlfriend kind of way, but rather to let me know when he’s almost home.
We originally downloaded it to monitor his girls (my stepdaughters), who, admittedly, are absolutely wonderful (in comparison to my satanic behaviours at that age).
And yes OF COURSE I use it to ensure they’re safe.
But I more often use it to tell me when my partner is in the driveway because it gives me just enough time to jump up, turn off the TV, fix the couch and start looking ‘busy’.
Because as a still recovering high-achieving people-pleaser, it’s one thing to feel guilty and ashamed at doing nothing, but it’s a whole other kit-and-kaboodle to let someone else, especially someone you adore, love and respect see you do nothing.
Especially when they’re a high-achiever too.
So the question is: when us high-achievers hit a rough patch where they internalise failure (“clearly there is something wrong with me”) rather than seeing it for what it is (“pain it’s part of they process”), how can we utilise the power of the pause to see our next steps more clearly rather than getting stuck in a cycle of anger and revenge bliss behaviours?
How can we fight the fear of never being successful and use stillness to stop screwing ourselves over?
Here are three ways that have worked for me (or at least kept me out of being committed).
1. Phone a fart friend.
I have friends, and then I have my fart friends.
Friends are those people in your life with whom you have amazing conversations and can also solve problems together. But in general, these friends will, more often than not, only see the positive, motivated side of you.
And then, there are your fart friends.
Before I go on - to be clear - this is (for the most part) a metaphor.
I call them ‘fart friends’ because you can let one slip without feeling the need to blame it on someone else. You can simply say, ‘Yep, that’s me. I’m imperfect.’
These are the friends whom you can answer the question of “howya doin’?” with
(and those are the PG options).
These thoughts, emotions, and feelings fuel revenge bliss behaviors. They leave you feeling isolated, as though you are—and will always be—a failure.
The moment you let those feelings out, you release the frustration and buildup that keeps you trapped in the cycle of anger and self-doubt. In that raw honesty, you begin to shift back to clarity and discover a way forward.
And by the way, if they’re a good fart friend, they won’t try to fix things or express pity. Instead, they’ll say something like, ‘FFS, that sucks,’ but they’ll never, ever let you quit.
2. Maybe it’s just a bad day.
Ever have those days where you’re in a scathing mood but you just can’t figure out why?
Yep, me too.
I blame either my bacteria (microbiome) or my hormones.
No, seriously I do.
It might sound a bit crazy but I can actually ‘feel’ myself not being myself, but I know it’s not ‘me’ per se. As a former researcher in physiology (and being a daughter to one), and someone who continuously battles severe IBS, I am a huge supporter of understanding how our physiology affects our psychology, rather than the other way around.
For example, when your gut microbiome is imbalanced, it can produce fewer mood-regulating chemicals like serotonin or trigger inflammation that affects brain function.
Stanford Medicine research highlights that gut health impacts the brain's emotional processing, linking changes in the gut microbiome to increased anxiety and depression. This connection explains why an upset gut can lead to feeling down, anxious, or irritable. It’s not just “in your head” – it’s in your gut too.
Understanding this can help you recognize that some bad moods aren’t entirely psychological. By identifying these physical triggers, you can learn to pause, detach from the emotion, and focus on actions that restore balance rather than spiraling into self-blame.
3. Maybe it is you, boo?
This one is going to hurt more than a wax on a sunburn: maybe it is you?
Early in my career, I found every excuse to avoid tackling the hard stuff, like reaching out to potential contacts or introducing myself to new people at networking events. Instead, I stuck to tasks that felt safe and easy, such as convincing myself that my entire website needed to switch from left-justified to center-justified text.
As my beautiful friend Claire Seeber says “Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you’re productive or effective”.
Sometimes, the hardest thing isn’t the actual work itself but is facing the fact that we’re avoiding the real challenges. So, take a deep breath, point inward, and ask yourself: what scary thing am I avoiding doing? Because it’s usually not the website formatting, but the fear of doing the uncomfortable stuff that really moves the needle.
Concluding Thoughts
We all hit those moments when the gap between where we are and where we want to be feels wider than the gap between the couch and fridge.
And when fear of failure creeps in, revenge bliss behaviors can feel like a quick fix, but they only keep us spinning in frustration.
By naming these feelings, leaning on our "fart friends," and understanding how our mind and body interplay, we can pause, reflect, and chart a clearer path forward.
Because the key to success isn’t working harder, it’s not giving up.
Are you ready to Accelerate Action in your audience for #IWD 2025?
I’m passionate about helping individuals and organizations move past the pressures of ‘never doing enough’ and people-pleasing, so they can lead with confidence and authenticity. For International Women's Day 2025, I’d love the opportunity to inspire your team to #AccelerateAction.
Get in touch!
?? Website - www.drkatherine.com
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