The Revenant (Part 3/5)

My breakdown

Raccoon never made me very happy. I never enjoyed the journey, except for certain moments working with some clients who valued the work and the results. But my professional life during those months was a horror. The stress destroyed me, made me into a bitter and dark person, and that had repercussions in my personal life, of course.

In May of 2013, I went to therapy for the first time in my life. By that time, I was devastated. There were two events that pushed me to make the decision: One ordinary day, I left our accountant’s offices. I know the zone perfectly—in downtown Madrid, next to my house. I went out to the street so overwhelmed and worried and I ended up sitting on a terrace disoriented, not knowing where my car was, despite knowing perfectly well which street I had left it on.

The other decisive event was when one day, on my way to a meeting at the Be up offices to visit Marta Romo https://is.linkedin.com/in/martaromo, I had a problem in traffic. A car driven by a criminal cut me off in the street like in the movies. I had my daughters in the car and the act struck me as so barbaric and unfair that I hit the other car with mine. I didn’t hit it just once, but 3 times. I destroyed it and left, nearly running the driver over. I arrived at the Be up offices and I cried for 10 minutes before I was able to go up to the meeting.

I went to a therapist who has since truly become a mentor in my life. After a time, he confessed that when I had arrived at his office, I was in such bad shape that he had considered committing me.

One more try before the end

The therapy gave me enough self-control and peace of mind to face my partners and lay down the conditions to take another shot at moving the company forward. We changed offices, decreased the costs enormously and pushed on.

There was no longer a sales team. It was like starting over, but with an enormous burden in the form of debts, and our strength—physical as well as mental—diminished. I barely had any hope left.

Starting in 2013, idea of the enormous difference between the effort and the reward was constantly on my mind. I was at my professional best—very prepared—with the great experience that Raccoon had provided me, but I couldn’t see a future that inspired me

2014 was a year of transition, but as I said before, Raccoon was already dead. I have to say that my treatment finished in mid-2014.

Over the past year, we had been studying the sales transaction of a competing company. It was a process that I had started with the director of that company. Raccoon, as much because of its brand as because of its clients, played an interesting part and had constantly brought us to the attention of possible buyers who could merge us into their organizations.

I laid out only two conditions to begin the process; the first was to monetize at least a year’s salary to be able to reinvent myself, since I already had the seed of a new project in mind. The second condition was that I didn’t want to be part of the new merged company. I wanted to start fresh.

After a year of Due Diligence, discussions with my partners, discussions with the possible buyers—an authentic waste of time—an offer came, consisting of:

• Assuming the debt of the partnership.
• Making a non-separation agreement for at least 3 years. I didn’t understand this point, since one of my previous conditions was not to remain linked to the project. But this competitor didn’t stop suggesting that I be disloyal to the partners of Raccoon and go to their companies, taking the clients and projects. This in the middle of the Due Diligence.
• There would be no monetization. I didn’t understand this, either, as it was the first condition on my part for the success of the process.
• I had to reduce my salary in spite of becoming leader of the entire worldwide business activity of the merged company in its corporate sphere. The explanation was that their directors were not charging what I was being paid, to which I responded that they should therefore assess the viability of the company if, after 20 years of operations, they couldn’t adequately compensate their directors.

I said NO to this offer at the end of 2014, to my partners as well as to the offering company. After three months, this company hired the sales manager I had just hired, as a last ditch effort to pull Raccoon out of the hole.

The decision was made: I didn’t want to stay with Raccoon

Before the summer of 2015, I had a serious relapse, falling into what I call a period of total darkness, where all my thoughts were extremely negative. I went back to “Paco,”my therapist, but this time, I had enough strength to make decisions and say NO. I wasn’t going to continue with my professional life like this anymore. I felt terror, fear of the creditors (some of them friends), fear of the employees, fear of the clients’ reactions, fear of the banks and fear of not having work offers. At 45 years old, I decided not to continue. I still didn’t see a change in my life, since I couldn’t be free from the main source of my unhappiness, which was the work and the project.

I had a lunch where my supposed mentor and partner put enormous pressure on me to keep trying—a couple of years, according to him—and in this way be able to liquidate the project in an orderly manner. I told him no, and it wasn’t easy. On the one hand, receiving another capital increase would mean more breathing room, and on the other, we are talking about one of the toughest negotiators in the Spanish business world. Going to personal therapy with “Paco” as well as to group therapy—again, one of the best things I have done in my life—gave me enough strength to say NO.

(To be continued) We will publish a part of this story every week, if you do not want to wait you can download the full article at: https://jvsp.io/resources/