Returning to Work after a Loss

They say there are many stages of grief.  Honestly, I kind of expected them to feel defined and to recognise when you are “working through the motions”, maybe almost gently eased into each stage.  But no. 

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, these might be the common framework associated with loss, but for each of us, it will be a unique experience and not something that is simply split into five stages.

That said, I would like to add another, confusion. 

Confusion, and indeed all of the emotions that come swinging at you are not defined stops on some linear timeline.  For me they’ve come as a huddled mass, they’ve revisited in pairs and sometimes on their own. I’ve felt numb, sick, pained, sad, yet I’ve also been contemplative, happy through memories and I’ve felt loved by those who have lent their support or simply just listened as I’ve processed through talking and sharing my experience.

So no. Grief is not a project plan - as I had perhaps hoped. It is not a set of processes that can be evaluated and ticked off as completed. I knew it was going to hurt, but I was wholly unprepared for how utterly unapologetically chaos ladened the impact on my daily life has been.

And so we return to the confusion. Confusion feels like the distant cousin of denial and bargaining.  As I’ve come out the other side of this, confusion has remained, looming large in the background forcing me to re-evaluate my priorities, not just at home but also at work. So what is this confusion?

“What will be my legacy?”

I am aware this is a common question and is shared by other experiences that create shock in our lives.  However, it has left me wondering how to answer this question and more so, does it need be answered?

Changing track slightly, my experience of returning to work was a non-event, my employer and more so my direct manager was exceptional in listening and enabling me to regroup so I could pick up where I left off.  In my head, the expected experience was akin to falling down a dark deep cold hole, but nothing could be further from the truth.  This type of support is vital and helped me get to a point that I understood a bit more about what was causing my confusion as well as determining that nearing 40 it could be argued I am due a mid-life crisis...

So what is my answer? I realised that the answer for me was contained in my experience.

“Listen”

Listen more and crucially hear more of what is being said.  Those of you that know me will appreciate the irony of that statement (I’m deaf), but it is surely one of the most profound tools that we are gifted with. 

For me, “to listen” is not always about audible interactions.  It is empathy, reading someone’s expressions, and enabling someone to offload without being distracted by your consciousness interjecting. 

An old but relatable tale is about the gentleman who everyday waves and smiles at everyone he meets in his path. Why? Because just one positive interaction might be enough to change the outcome of someone who simply doesn’t have the energy or the hope to smile and be positive that day.

When we look back at our working days, how many of us measure our performance by who we simply listened to? 

Remember. Technology is also an enablement to listen more, not just to communicate outwardly to those around you. 

/c