in retrospect

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the past year, big surprise, I know; but trust me, it has been more reflection than usual for me. Looking back to see what makes me tick. As one who has lived a pretty disciplined life, it is hard to forgive myself when I have not lived up to my own pretty high standards for others.

A while back, while talking with one of my older siblings, we were discussing the humongous family reunions that used to occur on my mother’s side of the family. My Mom’s family had 12 kids, and every Thanksgiving the whole famn damily would gather at Holland Christian High School for a Thanksgiving family reunion. My father hated them, and you could always expect him to be seeing snow on the horizon for days preceding the reunions, and I always silently hoped he was right.?The many many cousins would all go to the gymnasium and do gymnasium stuff with each other. Apparently it was a lot of fun. I don’t know, because I always hid out in the back of the school where there was this waiting room-like area with magazines, avoiding well-meaning aunts who would drag me to the gym so that I could have “fun” with everyone else… If they found me, they would invariably drag me to the gym and force someone to include me in whatever mind boggling ball game they were doing; till I could make a great escape again to where no one would find me. I was never good at sports, and do not have much of a competitive spirit. My sibling could barely believe me when I told him that I always hid out in the back room during the reunions. I guess I was good at hiding.

I think of my time at the #crazyoldunderwearfactory and my time at John Calvin Christian Reformed Church in terms of my character. Both of them ended up in the end in a similar fashion. Me leaving jaded after having given my all, but having been rejected as a messenger of things that they did not want to hear. And I know, this makes them both out to be the bad guy, but it is not the whole picture. Part of it is the dissonance between who I appear to be, and who I really am when I am moved enough to speak my mind. Sometimes they just don’t see it coming. I’m not much of a hob-knobber, and probably won’t chit-chat with you at work, unless there is something work related that I feel the need to express. Unless you are one of the few people that I happen to feel at ease around, you probably will not know me very well.

If you are my neighbour, co-worker, boss, or someone else on the periphery of my life and I see you at a grocery store, I am most likely to walk around the other direction to avoid any awkward conversation. Oftentimes casual questions about my life feel invasive, and my inability to ask the same casual questions back can seem like I am not interested in the other person; as a result I often avoid such casual chit-chat when possible. On my dog's walk, I avoid other humans as much as possible, it is my me time, and my dog time. I'd rather not see anyone.

Now, all of this is putting myself in a worse light than I need to, I’m not that bad of a guy to work with. I know that at my workplace I am known to be popular with the newer employees as being eager to help and assist when they need it. I’m just not great at casual conversation stuff unless I feel particularly comfortable with you. I’m not as bad as I make myself out to be, but I do sometimes feel that bad. I also do find that healthcare seems much more receptive to my particular personality type than the manufacturing setting could ever be. I’m just not really good with the “macho man” thing, and I couldn’t care less about hockey, who has cancer, or who is banging who. On the other hand, the nurses at the home where I work are very receptive to my insights and ideas, and it feels really rewarding on a daily basis.

The written word also seems to open a completely different pathway to vulnerability with me that I only discovered through my time on LinkedIn. Some of you who know me in real life have learned more about me reading what I have written here, than you will ever learn from me in real life, as I probably avoided running into you when I saw you coming my way… I think at the #crazyoldunderwearfactory, this disconnect or dissonance between the ideas that I was espousing on LinkedIn and the rather hard-working but awkward person that they knew on the factory floor was hard for them to accept. I accept that. I understand that. The only thing I will add is that if they had engaged with me, I would have probably felt comfortable enough to express my ideas directly. But, engagement with employees was never their thing.

But, all of this is water-under-the-bridge, as I’ve said, I’ve had some experiences last year that have led me to some deep retrospection and navel-gazing. I’ve learned a lot about myself, although, as with all of us, I believe I have a lot left to discover. I am not yet through my phase of healing from my path down the low-road, but I am finding my way. I share many of my posts with my wife. I can feel from her that my honesty makes her uncomfortable at times, as she is not easy to express herself, but I have realised also that this is my confessional and that by confessing I am also on my way to healing.

So, here we are. When I used to do youth group, I remember one young teen who I always hoped would hook up with my son, once remarking that she really liked me and how awkward I was. It was a real awkward compliment that really hit the mark. I do have a small circle of friends, and if I consider you my friend, then you truly are a trusted person and you probably know the whole story behind the past year.?I need to process things outside of myself through others to fully understand them, or my busy little mind gets all gummed up with old oil and sludge. So, thank you all for being my sounding board over the years as I process my life as it evolves and moves along slowly down the river to the sea.

“Perhaps a creature of so much ingenuity and deep memory is almost bound to grow alienated from his world, his fellows, and the objects around him. He suffers from a nostalgia for which there is no remedy upon earth except as it is to be found in the enlightenment of the spirit--some ability to have a perceptive rather than an exploitive relationship with his fellow creatures.” - Loren Eiseley

pEACEoUT thom