Rethinking Suicide Assessments for Helping Professionals: The One Sign We Miss

Trigger warning: all the sacred smoke that rises up when suicide appears and takes a loved one.

I saw a post by Timothy Harrington today. There was a picture of Mark Gukel and a post reporting that he recently died by suicide. My heart sank.

I wonder what he really died from. What pain lay beneath his soil feeding the roots of that choice? Could it have been the same pain that fed the roots of his passionate service in the world?

I didn't see any darkness or sense anything eating at Mark. I didn't get to see him in person so I'm sure there are plenty of details I'm unaware of. But I want to talk about his life and the impact he had on me and the world.

I got to know Mark on LinkedIn over the past year, reading his powerful, courageous shares advocating for a truly inspiring recovery, inclusive of psychedelic medicine. We communicated a couple of times while celebrating good ceremony, and all I ever got from him was an exuberant, joyful light.

This past May he texted me his number, and said "You're always welcome to give me a call or shoot me a text." I was really touched, and felt a little honored that he wanted a connection with me. I told him, "Thank you, I'll give you a call in the next few days." I meant it.

Then he said, "Be sure to text first. Sometimes I get super busy."

I don't know why I never called him with my hands. Instead I called him a hundred times in my head: "How's Mark doing? I gotta give him a call." More recently, it's been a daily. Yesterday morning, while putting on my socks: "I haven't seen Mark in a couple of months here. Is he okay? WTF am I not calling him? I really have to reach out and see if he's okay." I rehearsed it in my mind, Maybe today was the day. Except instead today was the day I found out it was too late. I was too late.

I wanted to tell him how much he inspired me. I wanted to thank him for his courage, and the way he shows up in the professional arena without a thread of pretentiousness. To thank him for his willingness to break the mold, to go against the powerful energy of group-think, To take a deep bow at the beautiful life he clearly had built, rising from the ashes to become a glorious new man. He was a man on fire for life and he made OUR lives better. I know I'm not alone in feeling this. I'm saying now: Thank you Mark for YOU, for your choosing to gift the world with your powerful, beautiful presence. You made the world a better place.

I wish I had followed through and called him like I said. Or at least when I began to worry about him. Sometimes life gets crowded with a stampede of "I wish's" and you can barely hear anything when that happens.

But would it had made the difference? I've lost several clients to suicide, and sometimes by the time a person is in that state, the mind is so hijacked and polluted it can't even integrate kindness. But there was a signal Mark put out that may have been a call for help, and I missed it. He presented the offer "you're always welcome to give me a call..." I told myself "he's offering to help me if I need it". And let me know how busy he was, so I was reluctant to take up his time when he was helping so many. I didn't feel the need for help really so I didn't call. Perhaps I just wanted connection, but Mark wanted to help. Or maybe - more likely - Mark's way of reaching for connection was to offer his help.

Missing that is my big regret.. Maybe that was his way of saying, "hey, I need a friend", and failing to see that. ...and maybe I missed it because, being a professional helper all my life, I know too well the tendency to hide my true self behind the "helper" manager. That's what many of us do, don't we?

Mark was a spirit dedicated to service. He seemed like a man holding his hand out all the time. "Here, take my hand, I'll help you stand up." He wasn't a "taker". He was one of the most generous people on LinkedIn, sharing freely of himself. Whether anyone agreed with him or not, his spirit was delightful. I think so many of that will miss him for that.

According to Columbia's Mailman School of Public Health, (9/23) U.S. health care workers are at increased risk for suicide. I'll leave the link to see the ugly numbers. We can deduce many reasons for why mental health and wellness professionals are at such risk, but what signals might we be missing with this population?

In The Prince's Bride, the farm hand Westley answered every demand Buttercup asked with, "As you wish". That annoyed the hell out of Buttercup until she came to realize that "As you wish" is code for "I love you". I've heard it said that the only thing people ever say, hidden behind every word and action is: "Please love me. Please don't leave me." This quality is what turned a simple farm hand into a Prince.

"Feel free to call me anytime you need anything" = "Please love me. Please don't leave me."

But like the Prince who knew this, Mark kept giving. One might say the feeling of being loved is the driving force of our species. Maybe that force evolves into something greater: the devotion to loving someone by way of sincere, humble service. The Narada Sutra speaks to this as "the superior path" and quickest to the ultimate reality. The 12th Step boils down to this: Love expresses itself by offering unconditional generosity: "I am here for you. Whatever you ask, as you wish" . That's how nature operates. That was Mark Gukel.

When a person with a heart of gold and a tendency to survive inside of the helper's archetype says, "Hey, feel free to call me if you ever need something?" that could be regarded a yellow flag, if not red. This may already be included in some assessment instruments, but I'm not aware of them. If anyone has one I'd be grateful if you'd send it. Too often we miss cries for help when coming from people we perceive as "strong". The data suggests that the helpers too often fly under the radar.

This is a call to raise the volume a bit on the conversation about supporting professional helpers. One might say that it's trauma that gives birth to the helpers in this world, so we all carry it into the job. We churn it in many ways for many years to induce the alchemy, making ourselves fit vessels to channel the trauma of our clients. Compassion fatigue hits hard. Anxiety and depression and a heap full of secondary/vicarious trauma become part of the sack helpers carry on their backs. Please check in with your people, especially first responders, medical personnel , counselors, therapists, even the aides. Don't forget your mother. ??

If you feel the need to connect with someone, I'm happy to speak with you directly. Otherwise, if there's no one you feel safe enough to talk to, please call or text 988 and you will be connected with a professional counselor.

Please pass that on to anyone you are concerned about right now.

Thank you, Mark, for the Light you shined in this world.

https://www.publichealth.columbia.edu/news/u-s-health-care-workers-are-risk-suicide#:~:text=The%20analysis%20showed%20suicide%20rates,for%20non%E2%80%93health%20care%20workers.