Rethinking Rejection

The fear of rejection is often cited and emphatically stated as one of the worst fears that we face. I think it officially ranks as #3 on the list of greatest fears that we face. In second place comes the fear of failure, and I’m pretty sure that fear of death has the #1 spot claimed since we could comprehend that such a thing existed. Some people have also called death the “mother of all fears” (if fear of death is the mother of all fears, then what is the father of all fears?) Then there's also the fear of success, something that just isn’t written enough about since I believe that it's even stronger than the fear of failure. Failure is the expected, but success is the unexpected, and therefore scarier because it's unknown.

This article explores only the fear of rejection. Not as an academic analysis of what the origin of the word is and when the word was first created (part of me does want to do a deep dive into it since it would benefit most if not all of us given how often it shows up and how prevalent it is in our daily lives). This article is a way to share a different perspective on rejection get feedback from you on the ideas that are shared because in the next few months one of my top goals is to create a course on understanding rejection, dealing with rejection, and going beyond it altogether so that it frees us up from thoughts, feelings, and actions that we never take that severly cost us our best experiences and best relationships in the long-run.

The most I read about rejection it goes something like “Yes, rejection exists, so you must get over it, get around it, or just ignore it.” The problem is that this thinking doesn’t directly address the fear of rejection. Why is it something to be feared anyway? And why has it become something that our culture doesn’t really address?

What is Rejection?

Since this is a very non-academic essay, let’s describe rejection as “not getting what you want, whether you directly ask for it or not”. For example, you want someone to buy your product or service. Someone who has already shown interest in buying it. You have the conversation where you get to know their current situation, their pain points, their vision, then you show them how far they are from really getting the results that they want and why your product will solve their problems, before going into making your offer for them to buy. You think they will buy, and they decide not to. “I need to think about it” they say, and you know that that statement really means “No, I’m not going to part ways with my precious money for your product for reason XYZ”. You wanted to make the sale, but they didn’t put the money down. This case, you got rejected.

Another example. You ask someone out on a date because you like them, and realize after the first date that you want to meet them on a second date. Then a third, along with going in for a kiss, and getting it! And then a fourth where you decide to “ask them out” (whatever that means), and they decline saying “You’re sweet, but I don’t see you in that way. We can still be friends, though!” You “liked” them (whatever liking them means to you) and they didn't like you back. You got rejected.

Rejection, as illustrated in these two examples comes down to three things:

1. Offer made
2. Offer declined (The rejection itself)
3. After-effects of the rejection.

The rejection from an objective standpoint is just a few words said. “I don’t want to buy” or “I don’t like you” but it’s the after-effects that seem to cause you the most harm, it? 

Meaning Assigned to Rejection

The meaning assigned to being rejected by someone is universally negative and something tone avoided at all costs. It’s a rare individual who views rejection from the perspective that it is a great thing to experience! “Hey! I just got rejected from someone I thought liked me from Grade 5 (age 11), and now I’m 25, and they said they’ve never seen me as more than a friend! I’m glad I didn’t waste more than 14 years to tell them that”. You might think someone like that is delusional.

The meaning assigned to being rejected is universally negative and something to be avoided at all costs.

From personal experience that I’m sure you can relate to, the following thoughts and feelings are what come to mind:

Thoughts:

1. I knew from the start…:I knew from the start that I shouldn’t have asked for *insert what you want here* anyway. I knew this would be the outcome, it always is. 
2. I knew that I should have said that differently. I mean, why did I say “would you like to buy the product?”..I should have said “Would you like to invest in it?”
3. This path isn’t for me, I’ve just dealt with too much of this to keep going.
4. This hurts. I wish rejection didn’t exist. 

Feelings

1. I feel awful. This isn’t how life is supposed to be. I wonder how my social circle will view me now that I got rejected again. I mean again! How many times has it been?
2. Why do I feel so terrible? 
3. I feel that this goal might never be achieved...how long can I take this? It’s been *insert time duration* here. 
4. I feel that a fraud, and maybe they picked up on that. I don’t want others to know the inner me. The chaotic, crazy being that sometimes loses all control. Thankfully this only happens in private. I don’t want anyone else to know but what if they can sense that despite my polished exterior, I’m really not as good as they perceive me to be.
5. I feel like taking risks, especially risking being rejected is overrated. Why bother dealing with these distasteful feelings anyway? Better to live a life of comfort and security and not worry about these uncomfortable feelings. I can’t deal with this more than a few times per year. 

I could go on and one...but those are the main ones that I’ve felt in the past, and most likely you have too. 

There are those, however, who don’t just see rejection from the perspective of it being one of the best things that happen to them, they see it as a stepping stone to meeting what they really, truly want. Oh, the last 50 people didn’t buy from me, so what? That means I’m 50 people closer to finding the one that will. Way better to be at 50 than being at zero!

Changing the Meaning Assigned to Rejection

It’s a funny thing about writing that you clarify your own thoughts as you view them on your screen (or paper). The main point of this article (and I’m guessing of the course that I will eventually create on it) is to change the meaning assigned to rejection. Actually, this might take more than just this one article, but I’m curious to see what the response is and what people would like to see me tackle next in terms of permanently changing our relationship with rejection (which is just a concept)? 

Rejection can be assigned new meaning, and positive meaning that leads us towards more action in the direction of getting what we want. We can change the way we view it. Instead of us seeing it as a big bad wolf that is there to scare us away, we can see it as a gateway to ultimately getting what we specifically want. 

Rejection can be assigned new meaning, and positive meaning that leads us towards more action in the direction of getting what we want.

Conclusion

Rejection comes in many forms and in many areas of life. I’ve taken a considerable amount of rejection, especially in my romantic life, and after 8+ years of dealing with it, did end up with creating the first and most beautiful relationship with a lovely woman. Even though it the relationship lasted 8 months, it helped me view rejection from a different light. This wasn’t a traditional relationship either, as my girlfriend knew from the start that the relationship wouldn’t be monogamous for the long-term (even though during the relationship we did practice monogamy). That's an important point to mention, that the relationship wasn't traditional, because this helped me see more clearly the times when I was the rejector, and not the rejected.

You see, the biggest shift when it came to my personal understanding of rejection happened just a few weeks back (after in incredible conversation I had with a friend on May 28th, 2019 that helped me see it in this way) when I looked backed and saw that I wasn't the one always being rejected, I was also many times the rejector. There were quite a few women that I said no to, because they just weren't good matches for me, for the short-term and long-term. Majority of them did not accept the idea of me wanting to date other women and certain women I just wasn't attracted to. In the end, I'm glad that I did not pursue anything further, because even though it was a dark road with years of experiencing rejection after rejection, after rejection, after rejection, that 10/10 match did show up. But rejection then wasn't a black and white concept anymore, there were layers to it that I did not until after the relationship ended.

We mostly only see ourselves as being the ones being rejected, but very rarely, if ever, see ourselves as the ones being the rejectors. This new perspective brings balance to something that we see as so unfair. And this was a way that I had never heard about it talked before, and it left me feeling much better about the past...a past of complete rejection when it came to my romantic life but now not as unfair as it first seemed.

We mostly only see ourselves as being the ones being rejected, but very rarely, if ever, see ourselves as the ones being the rejectors. This new perspective brings balance to something that we see as so unfair.

Next week or maybe later this week depending on the response, I will dive deeper into this topic to open up (pun unintended) the concept of ‘rejection’ even more so that you can see it more clearly, and with the greater knowledge, empower you to not see it as something to avoid, not even something to embrace, but something to deal with in context. Everything is relative, and since this rejection is so personal yet so general, coming up with a proper treatment in a way that makes us avoid it will surely serve us more in terms of making up more proactive to take the opportunities that we might have no because of the fear of rejection.

Please share intelligent comments below. Don't worry, even if you reject some of my thoughts, I won't take it personally. :)