Rethinking "Help"

From a very young age, when asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would answer “I want to help people.”

This drive and desire to help others led to a wide exploration of educational options and career pathways; medicine, psychology, social sciences, international development, anthropology, educational theatre – I wanted to understand people and challenges they face so I could help solve them.

I am now reflecting on what helping others even means. I have a history of believing that I can help where no one else can. It has resulted in being involved in some very meaningful work. I saw a problem, wanted to help, engaged with others to solve the problem, felt good about the outcome and the process…a perpetual feedback loop that told me to keep doing what I was doing.  

It has also resulted at times in getting caught in relationships and situations where I cannot seem to extract myself because I have built and fostered a dependence meaning I continue to be needed for the next issue and the next issue. Funny thing is, in a psychometric assessment I took, it lays out in black and white that “Margo has the least patience for those most dependent on her.” Yikes! My view of help and helping others actually created exactly what I dislike. How’s that for a feedback loop?

Helping by doing is not very helpful. Reflecting on it, it is quite self-serving. I get to prove to others (and myself) how capable I am and receive recognition for it. Where does that leave the other person? What happens when the next challenge arises?

Truly helping others is working with them to build their competence. Work with them to build their ability to recognize what is working and what is not, to understand what is contributing to the way things are and to adapt their response/approach to generate different results.

To that end, helping is not only beneficial to the person receiving the help, it is beneficial to the person providing it.

When I am engaging with someone who needs help and I am doing so from a learning perspective, I am learning too. I am observing and reflecting to the other person the internal resources they have to work through the challenge and in so doing, I am engaging the internal resources I have available to myself.

That’s a feedback loop worth experiencing again and again.